Our Idiot Brother Page #5

I mean, all those humanitarian awards.

I've got to call Nat. Whoa!

Hey, Dune's on Showtime,

director's cut. You want...?

- Hey.

- Hey, hi.

Sorry, didn't know you... had company.

- No, he's nobody.

- If you're busy...

That's my brother, Ned.

- Oh, this is Ned?

- Yeah.

- Ned! Hey!

- Jeremy, Ned. Ned, Jeremy.

- Hey, man, Jeremy. Nice to meet you.

- How's it going? Nice to meet you.

You, too, Jeremy.

I'll watch Dune with you.

- Yeah? Me too.

- I love that movie.

"Father, the sleeper has awakened!"

You don't have to throw yourself

at him, Ned.

"Father!"

Hey, by the way, thanks for going

with Miranda to that benefit.

- She always makes me do that sh*t.

- Oh, hey, man, it's all good.

Jeremy finds it a burden to shave,

but he loves free food.

- That's true.

- I had a great time, actually.

I tell you, that Arabella

she is one cool chick.

She's so pretty and so smart

and funny and strong.

My God, after everything she's been

through. All the humiliation with

- the South American guy, stabbing...

- Nat, oh, my God. Guess... Wait.

Hey, Miranda, do you have

any toothpaste I can borrow?

I'll call you back.

Ned, what did you just say?

I said, "Do you have

any toothpaste I can borrow?"

No, no, no. Arabella and a stabbing?

What did she tell you?

Oh, I don't know. it's kind of private.

- Ned, who just gave you $300?

- You.

Yeah. Plus, I feel like you

just wanted to tell us.

You were basically just practically

telling us the whole story.

Come on, Ned, spit it out.

Come on, Ned.

She was in South America, there was

a stabbing, just give us the rest of it.

- The goat barn?

- Yeah.

Ned, why would I want a past lover

living in my backyard?

Billy said that you'd be cool with it.

Oh, f***, man,

I totally forgot to ask her.

That's my bad, man, all the way.

I understand. Look, you won't

even notice that I'm here.

Ned, I'm so sorry,

it's not gonna happen.

Willie Nelson!

Whoa.

- Put Willie Nelson back in the house!

- What?

Janet said no.

Sorry, man.

- Come on, Willie Nelson.

- You're not gonna let me see him?

You know what, I was hoping

I wouldn't have to say this,

but I don't think you've

given me any other choice.

How many times did you make me throw

Willie Nelson outside in the cold

because you didn't want

mud tracked in the house, huh?

How many times did you insult him

by telling him he had bad breath?

Whoa, man, do you understand

that you come here to this farm,

you put Willie Nelson

in the middle of all your bullshit,

and you traumatize him.

Is that what you want?

Why can't you just let him live

with someone who loves him?

Stop with the violence, man!

- You made me raise my voice.

- Sorry.

I'm feel really affronted right now,

man, on my own property.

Get your book bag, get out of here.

You know what, you know what? Wow.

Seriously, that is just...

I mean, come on.

She's not even gonna budge unless

there's some sort of official action

or something. Is there any kind of

motion, or like injunction or something

that you can file? I mean...

I don't know. I don't want

to sound conceited or anything,

but I really am the better caregiver.

You can sue her, but I'm not gonna let

that hippie b*tch put you through that.

You don't think we have a case?

I mean, she's splitting hairs

when she says

it was her friend Tim

that left him with us.

Look, you have a case,

but you don't need one.

That dog is yours and you're gonna go

back there and you're gonna get him.

I don't think I can ask her again, Cin.

No, no, no, Ned.

We're not gonna ask, We're gonna take.

- We?

- Yeah. Who's the man?

- You are?

- Who's the man, Ned?

Jesus. Me.

Yes, say it. Who's the man?

- Who's the man?

- No, say it... "I'm the man."

- You're the man. I'm the man.

- You're the man! You're the man!

- That's right. I'm the man.

- Say it! Say it!

- I'm the man!

- Louder!

- I'm the man!

- Yes! Come on.

Pum!

It's a sign.

I gotta run

to keep from hidin'

And I'm bound

to keep on ridin'

And I got one more

silver dollar

I ain't gonna let 'em

catch me, no

I ain't gonna let 'em catch

the midnight rider

- Hi.

- Hey.

Hey.

Natalie says you haven't

had sex in like a year.

She told you that?

Max and I think you're really cute.

Oh, uh...

Thanks.

Thanks, Max.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

I'm sorry, I can't... I'm so sorry.

I can't do it.

I think your erection in my leg

totally threw me.

I'm so sorry, I'm really embarrassed.

I'm so... I'm so...

I'm sorry.

- I'm such a jerk.

- You're really not a jerk.

No, maybe I should've

tried harder or just...

- You know.

- Ned.

Dude, just 'cause you're straight

doesn't mean you're homophobic.

I just feel bad, you know?

They seemed pretty into me.

Well, they'll get over it. Let's...

- We can look around this place.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Let's try and find you one woman.

- Hm! She seems kind of fun.

- Yeah, sex would be awesome,

but then she'd make you

go to rock shows.

- Oh, sweet!

- Really?

Sweet? You'd be psyched

to goto some rock club?

See a band called, like, Paint Store...

- or something?

- - Not really.

No, you don't.

What about those ones over there?

Lindsay and her friend,

they're gonna analyze every word

of every text you ever send her.

I like the name Lindsay.

But they're both named Lindsay.

Look what she's reading, it's like

a novelization of Us Weekly.

Exhausting.

- Ooh, look at that one.

- Look at that girl.

Oh, yeah, that would be great,

if you wanted, you know,

to date your sister!

- What's wrong with my sister?

- Nothing's wrong with your sister.

Why, you wanna date your sister?

You're a wild man.

No, I don't wanna date my sister.

But what about you?

- Me? Date your sister?

- Yeah. Right.

Miranda? What are you talking about?

- Well, it's obvious.

- What's obvious?

That you guys totally love each other.

OK, I love Miranda, but...

- I know.

- ...she's bossy.

- Yeah. She is.

- She's a bossy person.

She's like, "Jeremy, help me move

everything in my apartment around?"

You know, it'll only take two minutes."

And then it's like...

all day.

I mean, she's great, she's pretty,

she's very pretty,

that's undeniable,

but relationship-wise and...

pardon me, but sexually,

I don't know if I could deal with it.

Every man I meet

is either a dick or a loser.

What about Jeremy? He's not a dick.

And he's not a loser, either.

Well, that's debatable,

he doesn't even have health insurance.

Neither do I,

at least I don't think I do.

- Here you go.

- I just want to meet a real man, Ned.

I asked for that side-by-side,

not swirled. Thanks.

- Sure.

- Whatever.

I mean you two are obviously

not headed in that direction.

He thinks the idea

is as ludicrous as you do.

Hey, man, can I try some acai berry?

- Yeah.

- Wait, wait. I'm sorry, what?

- Why is that?

- I don't know, I don't know.

What he said, it didn't make any sense.

Why are we even talking about this?

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