Pain & Gain Page #13

Let's go, Paul.

I need you to grill

these fingerprints off, all right?

Grill these fingerprints off?

Are you nuts?

No, I'm not nuts, Paul.

But I am about fed up with

your defeatist attitude, okay?

Now grill those f***ing hands. Now.

You need to be more positive, Paul.

Just make a positive effort.

- What's up?

- Hey, Ed.

We've connected these people to

the bodybuilders you were talking about.

They've gone missing.

These people aren't

just missing, George.

They're probably dead.

It's a big department, Ed.

We can't do everything right.

I didn't ask for everything,

George. I asked for one thing.

I told you these guys

were gonna get hungry again.

What seems to be the problem?

It's a piece of China crap.

It worked for two seconds,

then it cut off.

Well, for 20 more,

you can get free parts

and replacements.

We strongly recommend it on all

our customer power tool investments.

Oh, we don't want to

hear about that rip-off.

Sir, there appears to be fur in the works.

I don't see no fur

in that nonworking chainsaw.

OFFICER:
How funny was that

when that scumbag sh*t himself

when your dog almost bit his balls off?

What do we got? Description again?

FEMALE DISPATCHER:

White male, 30s.

All right, standby, we're en route.

Leave that stuff, we got to go.

Well, either you're dumb

or blind, but that's fur.

Go on, pick out another one.

Save the drama for your mama.

(SIZZLING)

(JAUNTY LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

DANIEL:
Holy sh*t! What the f***?

(GROANS)

- ADRIAN:
Oh!

- What are you doing?

You got to cook this sh*t outside.

(GROANING)

Be careful, that's hot.

You'll burn yourself.

You know, you're like a three-year-old!

You're dropping the fingernails.

A three-year old...

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

PAUL:
It Stunk like sh*t.

You put it in the f***ing street?

PAUL:
I didn't think you'd be pissed.

It got really smoky in there, Danny.

DANIEL:

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

PAUL:
in AA, they teach you

to sit with your feelings.

Look under the bed and see for yourself

that there's no monster under there.

But the problem is,

sometimes the monster is there.

And sometimes,

you've just got to f***ing run.

Hey, Paul?

Where the f*** is he?

He's got no f***ing accountability!

GEORGE:
Okay, gentlemen, listen up.

These are your locales.

These are your targets.

We are taking down

these scumbags simultaneously.

We have some making up to do.

MAN:
Here you go.

GEORGE:
Any questions?

Good.

I feel good.

Got to get a pump, though.

Need to push that Lambo

into the swamp, bro.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

F***!

OFFICER:
Get out of the way!

Look at these guys, huh?

Carved from stone! (LAUGHS)

Adrian? Honey,

there's some people here to see you.

(SCREAMS) No! No!

- Get down!

-(SCREAMS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- Do not move.

- Let me see your hands.

PASTOR RANDY". No hard feelings.

Hands behind your back.

(HANDCUFFS SUCK)

Call Daniel!

- Call Daniel!

-(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(GRUNTS)

F***!

Hey. police, Stgp!

MAN:
This way. Follow the officer.

BRAD:
Hey, buddy.

How you been?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Wow. Didn't see that coming.

He seemed like such a nice guy.

You think you know people...

puppy's gone.

BRAD:
Yeah, he loved your boat.

We went out on it five or six times.

We had a great sunset cruise.

We took the neighborhood kids.

Hey, pal. That'll do it.

GEORGE". We circulated Lugo's picture.

Coast Guard's got the specs

on Lugo's boat.

You mean my boat?

GEORGE:
Your boat.

Start looking!

(SIRENS WAILING)

According to the other two,

Lugo killed Griga

before he could get anything,

which means

he's gonna run out of his money.

My money! My money.

ED:
Victor, for God's sake.

He's right, Ed. We f***ed up.

The fact is, Mr. Kershaw, right now,

you're the only source of funding

this guy has got.

He put all his eggs

in your basket, Victor.

We've got that basket

under 24-hour watch.

Lugo's gonna come up starving soon.

When he does, we'll get him.

What if I told you there's another basket

you didn't know about? Offshore.

- Where?

- The Bahamas, where do you think?

So, where do you think he's going?

You could have saved us 20 minutes.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Now I'm the criminal here?

It's a secret stash.

You're telling me

you don't have a secret stash?

You're a very difficult victim, Victor.

It's Money Management 101.

Get a chopper, ASAP.

DANIEL:
My name is Victor Kershaw.

I'm looking to close my account.

MANAGER:

And what would you like to do

about the safety deposit box?

Well, I'm really in a rush,

but I may as well open it

while I'm here, right?

His f***ing baby booties?

What the... A**hole!

Oh, sh*t! No cash!

Where's your bank manager?

This is a United States court order

authorizing us to freeze

the accounts of a Victor...

Lugo!

MAN:
Open the door!

ED:
Lugo!

MAN:
Open it!

ED:
Open it up!

Open the gate! Open the gate!

(PANTING)

Get the gate!

Lugo!

VICTOR:
He's over here!

Hey! Officer!

-(GROANS)

-(PEOPLE SCREAM)

Where are they all?

He's a thief!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

DANIEL:
Son of a b*tch.

Sometimes God just fucks up your order

and you got to chow down

on that shitty shame sandwich.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Look at you.

All f***ed up.

It's kind of undignified

being all f***ed up by a car,

isn't it, you silly turd?

- You all right?

- VICTOR:
I'm getting there.

You know, I could have

got you ripped, man.

You know what your problem is?

Skinnyass quads.

You got no quads, man.

That was my problem.

I spent a lot of time

building these bad boys.

Is this all for me?

Yep. Your own little party.

Wow.

They're going

to want to know why you did it.

Well, 'cause I'm a do-er.

ED:
This was the longest and most

bizarre trial in Dade County history.

PROSECUTOR:

So, the Central Intelligence Agency.

So you were a stripper and an agent.

Or, as you call yourself,

a field operative.

Lugo and I used to bang a lot.

But then he passed me to Agent Doyle.

Miss you, sweetie.

But I'm going to quit the whole CIA thing

to become a movie star.

ED". They say truth

is stranger than fiction.

And no one tells the truth

like a pissed-off wife.

Sir, I officially divorced him last night.

That's why I can testify

against him today.

Well, I've been working

in the penis industry for 19 months.

I think he lifted weights

to try to compensate

for the fact that he had a very tiny penis.

It was bent on a 25 degree angle,

like a boomerang.

You see, erectile dysfunction

is nothing to be ashamed about

but being an unfaithful lying sh*t

who I know for a fact tried to finger bang

his paralegal in the interview room,

that's a little shamey.

But being in the medical profession,

I prefer not to judge.

But that lady's a whore.

- Yeah, you, you f***ing b*tch.

- No further questions.

ED". The state was very thorough.

Frankly, it had a lotto make up for.

We're going to walk on this.

They ain't got no proof.

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