Pain & Gain Page #2

(GIRLS WHOOPING AND LAUGHING)

John was rolling in the cash.

He started reading Fortune magazine.

And he recognized my value.

I made Senior Fitness Coordinator

by Christmas.

Perks included.

'Cause that's how it works.

You give and you get back.

Oh, bills suck.

JONNY:
(ON TV)

Rolled out into a money magnet.

I'm living the American dream.

Take notes and HI tell you the secrets

of living the dream!

Does your life suck balls?

Are you a hot mess?

Do you ever look in your mirror

at home and ask,

(MOCKINGLY)

"Why me?" Well, go to Jonny Wu's

Golden Dream seminar

at the Jupiter Ballroom

and you'll find out how to be a do-er!

DANIEL:
l got to say,

it felt great to be doing so awesome.

(BURPING)

(SNIFFING)

- What is that stink?

- What stink?

You smell like a Cuban stripper.

My niece gave it to me for Christmas.

It's called "Vanilla Fella."

Oh, well, it's unsettling

while I sweat here.

So, you make decent coin in this place?

We do fine.

Shoots out your ass in taxes

though, right'? (GROANS)

Hey, if you're smart, you do what I do.

Incorporate offshore.

The Bahamas

don't exactly sweat your paperwork

and the IRS can't touch it.

You have any money here in the States?

(LAUGHS) Of course!

My offshore stuff is just

a rainy day fund, margarita money.

You should meet my accountant,

he's a friggin' miracle man.

Maybe I will.

Oh, you're a Maybe Guy!

(SIGHS) I misjudged.

I had you figured for

a Definitely Guy, Damien.

Sorry. Lugo. Lugo.

DANIEL:
Victor had a point.

I mean, he was an a**hole,

but he had a point.

Michael Corleone didn't

become the Godfather by folding towels.

He did it by keeping a gun behind

the toilet and knowing what he wants.

And I know it might sound strange,

I just want a big fat lawn

that I can mow until the sun goes down.

That baby's 20% off!

Well, if I believe I deserve it,

the universe will serve it, right?

What, you never heard that before?

No, jackass.

Yeah, that's why

you're working at Sears, bro!

Easy, fella, or I'll kick your ass.

What is that? Is that a bug?

There's a bug! Do you read English?

Yeah? Puta? B*tch? Right?

Between the "B" and the "I."

You migrant workers suck!

DANIEL:
When I was young,

there was a rich kid

lived two blocks over.

Little prick had a new bike

every Christmas.

VICTOR:
Your asses are looking great!

And his parents took him on vacations

to places like Paris and France.

I mean, I didn't hate him.

I just thought it'd be cool to see France.

But I knew that

wasn't ever going to happen

unless I did something about it.

- Let's go, set...

-(CLANGING)

F***!

Yo, what's going on, DL?

You've been unfocused all day, man.

You ever just get tired

of being where you are, Adrian?

No. I kind of like it here.

I mean, the weights are new...

I mean in life, man!

Where you are in life.

I mean, look at us, man.

We're like Superman.

(GRUNTING) I mean, come on!

Don't you think we deserve better?

'Cause I do.

(SNAPPING)

Hey. Yo.

ADRIAN:
Man, I do, too.

DANIEL:
Then f***ing act like it, man!

Come on!

That's why when these 'roids kick into

this chocolate mass, baby,

I'ma be unstoppable!

I ain't making no more tacos!

I ain't cleaning up after nobody tacos!

I'm putting my beef in their tacos, baby!

Everybody gonna eat some of this!

That's what I'm talking about.

I was like you.

You work hard.

You do what you're told.

And what does life serve you?

A shame sandwich

with a side order of sh*t!

You deserve better!

Every person in America

is either a do-er, or a don't-er.

A do-er or a don't-er.

And if I can get you

to learn one thing today,

one take-home point,

it would be this.

Don't be a don't-er.

Do be a do-er.

I had a wife, two beautiful daughters.

A perfect partner.

Thank God I left her!

Now I'm with seven honeys

of which I can choose from.

(ALL LAUGHING)

DANIEL:
Oh, my God.

This guy understands me.

Well, it's simple.

I don't know

why God gave us 1O fingers,

because we's only gonna need three.

Get a goal. Get a plan.

And get up off your ass!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Which one are you, playboy?

Me?

No, someone else sitting in your seat.

(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)

Come on, which one are you?

I'm a do-er?

Is that a question?

I'm a do-er.

What is this, Valentine's Day?

Say it like you want to hunt it, skin it

and mount its head on your wall!

- I'm a do-er!

- What?

- I'm a do-er!

-(YELLING) Yeah!

- I'm a do-er!

- Let's do it!

- I'm a do-er! I'm a do-er!

-(ALL CHEERING)

- ALL:
(CHANTING) Do-er!

- I'm a do-er!

- ALL:
Do-er! Do-er! Do-er!

- I'm a do-er!

I'm a do-er!

DANIEL:
He singled me out

and gave me my own

private training session.

I will make him proud.

- I wish I had a camera.

- All right.

Get the b*tches on the boat.

Okay? We got to go.

Get the b*tches on the boat.

We got to 9!

DANIEL:

I'm a do-er with a three-finger plan.

Finger one, find a guy with money.

Finger two,

make him give you everything he owns.

Finger three,

make America a better place.

Leave the guy broke and clueless

as to who made him that way.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

'Cause that's

some straight-up gangsta sh*t.

- Why do you want to do this?

-(SIGHS)

ADRIAN:
She's out of your league, bro.

Wow.

Adrian, you're f***ing magnificent.

You walked in that door,

you were 28% body fat,

you wanted to be six.

I gave you that.

You want to be two, I will give you that.

You deserve that.

You want to be a monument

to physical perfection?

You want to be a shrine?

You should be!

You wanted change, right?

All you got is change in that fanny pack.

Is that what you want?

(SIGHS)

When's the last time

you paid your rent when it was due?

When's the last time you took one of

those plump b*tches out to dinner

and didn't sweat them ordering dessert?

You love those big b*tches.

And they love to eat.

It's okay. That's important!

But this being broke sh*t's

got to stop, man.

You need some money

to go with that body, man.

DANIEL:
Adrian loved the idea.

Hey, that guy wants a job.

Will you interview him?

But to implement a plan of this intensity,

we needed to secure another operative.

(GRUNTING)

Where'd you do your time, pal?

Up north.

Club Fed Correctional. White collar.

I learned a lot. It's all businessmen.

Hey, how many grams of protein

do you eat?

How you fixed for a job now?

(SIGHS) Well, it's not good.

It's kind of hard when you got a record.

I know.

It doesn't feel real good

when Mickey D's tells you

you're not even good enough

to make the French fries.

We all make mistakes.

Doesn't mean we have

less right to a piece of the pie.

Amino acids after you work out

or before?

So you do it with smoothies,

like, fruit smoothies,

-or just, like, soy milk?

- What?

Don't mind him. What were you in for?

(SNIFFING)

-(slc;l-ls)

-(GUN COCKING)

(LAUGHING)

-(CELL DOOR SHUTTING)

-(SNIFFING)

PAUL".

Know why habit rhymes with rabbit?

'Cause your whole life

disappears down a bunny hole,

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