Pain & Gain Page #3

while you grow long sensitive ears

to better hear the sound

of sirens coming for you.

Lucky for me, I got saved.

Saving all of God's creatures

was my special mission.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(CHOKING)

(GRUNTS)

You know, the Son of God

knew how to just say no.

I guess you could say

He's my role model.

(CHURCH BELL RINGING)

Why Miami?

It was warm. It had beaches.

And I didn't have

any warrants in Florida.

Chaplain at Attica said Pastor Randy

had been down the habit road himself,

so he'd help me.

Curfew is 9:
00 on weekdays,

10:
00 on weekends.

I've been there, dude.

If you want to rap,

my door is always open.

I like to rap. You'll

find me very friendly.

Just come in any time. Any time at all.

I'm just Randy, man.

PAUL:
Daniel was really encouraging

about my self-improvement.

- And I needed a friend.

- Oh! (LAUGHS)

Hadn't really had a friend since Ma died.

What do you think,

you want to go get a beer?

I'm sober.

That's a good thing.

"A beer" is only an expression.

Let's go get something to drink,

-hang out.

- Okay.

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Make some noise

for the great Sorina Luminita!

This is Solid Gold, Miami.

(PATRONS CHEERING)

(PATRONS CATCALLING)

ADRIAN:
Hey, is that breast milk?

- What?

- Is that breast milk?

- Why would that be breast milk?

-'Cause this is.

Listen. You take this,

you put it in there

and you got the real HGH.

I'm talking about a steroid shake!

I got this pregnant chick I buy it from.

She real clean, too.

- No.

- No, no, no, for real.

She just got her tests and everything.

(PATRONS CONTINUE CATCALLING)

Oh, my. You ever suck

a pregnant woman Rie'?

Oh, my God!

This is so good! Come on, try some.

It'll make you great, man!

You already big,

but you could be bigger, you know?

I'm big! I'ma be swolled, though.

Walk sideways through doors.

You want some?

We could be tittie brothers.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

I'm going to go with "no."

- Excuse me.

- What you...

Now I'm the guy at the bar?

Fine, keep my breast milk to myself.

Hey, Paul? What do you think of Sorina?

(ems-ems)

Wow, she's... Exactly.

She's perfect!

And we thought

we were gonna have to cast in London.

Please, tell me again

about this movie you're making.

No, it's not a movie, baby,

it's a music video.

But big budget. Sets, cars, Eiffel Tower.

It's going to be amazing.

Tell Sorina about the song, Paul.

She's very excited.

Enrique is our... ls our lead singer.

And he falls in love

with a beautiful woman.

- Me?

- You're the leading lady!

Yes, of course!

And he follows

this beautiful woman, you,

all the way to London.

SONNA:
It all started in Transylvania.

I was Miss Bucharest.

Ludimila Draganesti is a whore!

She show her vageena

to the stupid judge.

I knew the only place

a woman like me could be appreciated

was in United States.

After all, it was the land of opportunity.

USA.

- Good bye!

- I saw Pretty Woman.

All Julia Roberts had to do

was show Richard Gere her pvsda

and she got a shopping trip

to Beverly Hills.

My msda was so much nicer than hers.

Then I met Daniel.

He had that can-do spirit.

Yes! Bang me harder!

The car...

-(SORINA MOANING)

-(CAR ALARM WAILING)

My American dream

was finally coming true.

That was great!

PAUL:
You can't just kidnap a guy

and take his things!

You can't do that. That's so illegal.

DANIEL:
Yes, we can.

We're do-ers. Do-ers do.

I can't do right now.

I just got out of prison.

DANIEL:
That's fear, Paul.

- All right. Good night, babe!

- Bye.

Do you know what fear is?

False Evidence Appearing Real?

That's a Jonny Wu line!

False Evidence Appearing Real.

You know Jonny Wu, too?

I don't know anything

about an Asian guy.

That's an AA line.

AA started in 1935, Akron, Ohio.

And I want no part of this.

You're on your own.

- We're gonna do this. Yeah.

- We're not gonna...

- You're gonna do this with us.

- I'm not.

It's gonna be fun.

You sure know how to pick 'em, DL.

Dude's a freak of f***ing nature.

Ought to put a fence around him.

ADRIAN:
I'd do anything for Danny Lugo.

He was my boy.

As good to me as anyone ever was.

He was a big-hearted motherf***er

who I knew only had my best in mind.

But the sh*t he was poppin'?

This daffy plot he had percolating?

I'd never been a crimer.

Ain't never had a reason to be.

(GIRLS ON TV MOANING)

Come on!

Goddamn! My sh*t stopped working.

(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

Then all of a sudden, I had a reason.

Mr. Doorbal,

are you currently using steroids?

No, ma'am.

Really? When's

the last time you injected?

Uh, Monday?

Yesterday. Okay. Um...

I'm just going to put down "using."

I threw them all out.

I think they messed me up.

Hmm. It's okay.

You probably just

have Defeated Phallus Syndrome.

We, like, treat it here all the time.

But don't worry, we can change all that.

It's what we specialize in here.

Penis magic. (CLICKS TONGUE)

(SNIFFLING)

Aw.

It took a lot of balls to come in here.

More like Raisinets.

At least yours are

chocolate-covered Raisinets.

Eh? (PUCKERS LIPS)

Uh... Oh.

Sorry. It's just I find nothing sexier

than a big black man in tears.

I love me some rain on the African plain.

I hope your girlfriend

knows just how lucky she is.

She would know if she existed,

but she doesn't exist, so...

I guess she don't know.

Whoa.

I just got a flash

of us together on a water slide.

(IMITATES WHOOSHING)

It's a steroid-induced impotence.

But with a shot of an engorgital

right into your penis,

you will return to those

beautiful, robust erections

of your high school days.

You do remember

your high school days, don't you?

Hell, yeah! (CHUCKLES)

I used to have

a nickname for my di... I mean, penis.

I used to call him Ernesto.

I used to call my vag Michelle. What?

Just leave it up to me and

I'll have Ernesto up

in high gear in no time.

Those injections expensive, Doctor?

They come with a price.

PAUL". I was trying so hard to be good.

But there was so much

temptation in Miami.

You should take a break.

Oh, thanks, Father.

This Miami heat is really crazy.

Wow, the way your sweat's

glistening off your muscles...

You know, Jesus said,

"Come to me, all who are weary,

"and I will give you rest."

I can give you rest, Paul.

You're so buff.

Why was he telling me I was buff?

Hey, buddy!

Thanks for coming.

I've been thinking a lot

about what you said.

Things aren't working out too good

at the church.

-(GRUNTING)

-(CLANGING)

PAUL". {just snapped.

- I almost killed him.

- Don't sweat that, Paul.

We go through with this,

nobody gets hurt, right?

Physically hurt? (LAUGHING) No, man!

This is a straight-up kidnapping,

that's all!

It's like a snatch-and-grab.

Very simple.

We snatch him, we grab him,

he signs a few signatures,

we give him a protein shake

and we show him the door.

He doesn't even know what happened!

He thinks he made a deal!

- Right?

- Huh.

Listen. I watch a lot of movies, Paul.

I know what I'm doing.

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