Pain & Gain Page #4

(DOOR CHIMING)

This is the sh*t, man!

Adrian, put those down, will you?

Sorry, gentlemen. Police use only.

Tampa PD, brother. It's okay.

In that case, I need to see badges.

We're, uh, retired. Off the, uh...

Off the job.

And now we're doing security for a, um...

For a rock group called, uh, Stryper,

- I don't know if you've heard...

-(CHUCKLES) Oh, I've heard...

Never again will an oppressor

BOTH". Overrun my people!

For now I'm keeping watch!

- That's the gospel, yeah!

-(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

And people say Christian rock sucks.

Who says that?

Yeah, who?

Nobody. I mean, well,

f***ing a**holes do.

Huh. Oh...

You know, I, uh,

I actually thought that Stryper broke up.

They're actually having a reunion tour

(STAMMERING) in Jerusalem.

(GULPS) Ooh!

And they need extra security.

Look, we wish

we didn't have to go there, but, uh,

but as you know,

it's not the world we live in now, brother.

So true. Hmm.

So, what can I do you for?

We're looking for merchandise

to shock, incapacitate

and imprison our fellow man.

Okay, seriously,

you're gonna love this, all right?

I've done it before,

so come on. Just hit me.

Come on, just hit me, hit me!

Come on, do it!

Hit me! Hit me!

-(TASER CRACKLING)

-(SCREAMING)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

DANIEL:
That moment,

I knew I assembled the right crew.

Doyle and Doorbal,

stone-cold ballers from the old school.

Now, test phase.

(SHOTGUN C*CKS AND FIRES)

The best way

to do a human extraction like this,

in a location like this,

would be through the water,

but we don't have a boat,

so we're going in by land.

We're gonna hit the bushes

and get to blue point two

within five seconds.

Here we get a clear view

of our entry point.

PAUL". Danny was a mastermind!

We hit him in the house

as soon as possible,

bring him out

right through the front door,

through the bushes and back to the van.

Delta Force could do a mission

like this in probably 53 seconds.

But with our athletic superiority,

we should be able to do it

in about 40. All right?

One problem. He's got a live-in maid,

so if she's there,

we knock her out on the way out.

ADRIAN:
I knew Danny was

making most of this sh*t up.

But it didn't matter.

We were going to be f***ing rich.

(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

Back!

ADRIAN:
He's having Shabbat!

Oh, sh*t. Go, go, go, go, go!

DANIEL:
Mission abort! Mission abort!

PAUL:
We're gonna get caught!

We're gonna get caught!

DANIEL:
Mission abort!

Mission abort! Mission abort!

PAUL:
I don't want to go back to prison!

DANIEL:
Block him in.

Gotta jump off the back,

we snatch him.

PAUL:
I honestly don't know

how he figures this stuff out.

DANIEL:
Here. Ninja.

That's your suit right there.

- Green bug.

- ADRIAN:
No, man.

Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- How does he get to be a ninja?

Eagle is on the move.

He's carrying a big bag of charcoal.

White shorts.

He's coming to us.

Prepare to neutralize the target.

Come on, come on, come on.

PAUL:
Sh*t, he's coming, he's coming!

DANIEL:
Come on, come on, come on!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Go, go, go, go, go!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

What the hell?

Ass wipe!

- Did you get him?

- Prick.

- DANIEL:
Where is he?

- F***ing maniac.

ADRIAN:
What the f***?

He was right here!

PAUL:
Where'd he go? You see him?

DANIEL:
Where the hell is he?

You've got to be f***ing kidding me!

- PAUL:
There he is!

- F***!

You got the wrong BMW?

PAUL:
It's two exact BMW's!

I told you to check the license plate!

It was an honest mistake!

Yo, we thought it was the same car.

It looks exactly the same.

I told you, M98305 "Miami B*tch"!

Is that too hard?

- It was an honest...

- DANIEL:
F*** that!

F*** you!

I can deal with his impotence,

I cannot deal with your incompetence!

What the f***?

You were a bit of

a disappointment today.

You're reassigned to Eagle's Nest.

Tomorrow we get our prize.

Schlotzskys.

God damn m (GROANING)

There's this crazy new thing

called "hygiene."

Look at yourselves! You handle food.

What are we talking here, herpes?

Don't they feed you at home,

chunky trunks, huh?

Yeah.

And can we stick a smidge of pastrami

in the sandwiches, just for the novelty?

F***ing Pimple and Blimpie here.

What the f*** do you want?

(YELLING)

(CRACKLING)

(GRUNTING)

What is this about?

Who the f*** are you?

-(TASER CRACKLING)

-(SCREAMS)

ADRIAN:
(WHOOPING)

Do these tasers rock or what?

(WHIMPERING)

DANIEL:
(IN HISPANIC ACCENT) Hey.

- What do you want?

- You gonna call home.

You gonna tell your baby mamacita

she gonna take the kid and go

home to Colombia, immediately!

And she tells no one.

Especially la policia.

Because if she does,

that's a big f***ing

problem for you, man.

- MAID:
Hello? Kershaw residence.

- No, no,

just get Mrs. Kershaw.

She's at her tennis lesson.

She's not there! She's not home!

ADRIAN:
Tell her to get her,

you piece of sh*t!

(CRACKLING)

DANIEL:
You knocked him out, man!

What the f*** did you do that for?

- Put the f***ing thing away!

- Okay, okay.

I need to read the manual.

DANIEL:

You don't f***ing need it anymore.

Here. You take it.

DANIEL:
(ON RADIO)

Eagle's Nest, it's coming in hot.

Rat's in the cage. Over. Patriot Two?

Patriot Two?

Roger that, Patriot One. Uh...

Didn't you say that

your friend kept athletic supplies

here in his warehouse?

DANIEL:
Do we have to

have this conversation now?

Over. What's the issue?

I'm looking at a lot

of homo stuff right now, Patriot One.

A lot.

Oh, such a f***ing moron!

Patriot Two, we're a little busy here.

Come on, man.

PAUL". It was what I thought it was.

DANIEL:
(ON RADIO)

Target time in five seconds,

four, three, two, one.

Open the frickin' gate, man!

PAUL:
These things were weird,

but amazing.

DANIEL:
Open the F-ing gate,

Patriot Moron Two.

-(VICTOR GROANING)

-(MEN GRUNTING)

DANIEL:
Out, now!

Cover him up.

(VICTOR SCREAMING)

Rpido!

VICTOR:
Please!

ADRIAN:
Shut up!

(PANTING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

VICTOR:

My grandfather ed Germany in 1943.

No...

I was born in Bogota',

grew up in New York City.

Put myself through college

working six nights a week at Pizza Hut.

Busted my ass,

but ended up comptroller

of a billion dollar pipeline

in the rectum of the Third World.

I put up with sh*t

they don't have names for in civilization.

Funny, I left South America because

there was too much kidnapping.

That's what you cal! irony.

But if they think a little

slapping around's gonna break me,

they don't know Victor Pepe Kershaw.

Somebody want to tell me

what the hell is going on here?

(IN HISPANIC ACCENT)

I struggle, Vic. I wake up each day

and I try to live

a life dedicated to self-improvement.

To finding a personal path

that allows me

to employ my special gifts.

Like tying guys to chairs

and sticking pliers up their nose?

You shut your mouth

while the man's talking!

(WHISPERING) You got to be quiet,

Victor. Like a mouse.

Rate this script:2.3 / 3 votes