Pain & Gain Page #5

I see guys like you my whole life.

You roll into this country, and America,

she just spreads her pretty cheeks.

Meantime, native sons

born of the red, white and blue

are left broken,

snuffling for your crumbs!

You're broke, you dumb sh*t,

because you never went to college.

Thereby guaranteeing

you were going to spend

the rest of your life

obsessing over pectoral muscles.

(WITHOUT ACCENT)

Why'd you say that?

(CLANGING)

Why'd you say that, you piece of sh*t,

about pectoral muscles?

(CLANGING)

F***ing tell me now!

- What's going on?

- DANIEL:
What's going on?

What's going on is

this dude seems to think

he knows who the f*** I am!

No, I don't, I don't.

DANIEL:

Tell me why the f*** you said that!

Well, you're going to f***ing tell me!

You're going to f***ing tell me now!

VICTOR:
No, I don't... I don't know.

-(DANIEL GRUNTS)

-(VICTOR GROANS)

- Come on, man.

- DANIEL:
F*** that.

- Tell me.

- No!

DANIEL:
I don't know

if you realize this, Victor,

but you're not going

anywhere anytime soon.

You're going to tell me.

Get him up! Now!

- Get him up!

-(GROANS)

Your cologne, Danny.

Your stinky, awful, vanilla,

disgusting cologne.

VICTOR:
As soon as I said it,

I knew I'd sealed my fate.

My goddamn half-Colombian,

half-Jew temper.

Killing me is not going to

give you job skills, Danny.

(GROANS)

I don't just want everything you have.

I want you

not to have it.

What are we gonna do now?

What do you mean,

"What are we gonna do?"

We're doing it.

Everything's under control.

You better f***ing man up.

We're gonna make some phone calls.

You hear me, Victor?

PAUL". This was supposed to be easy.

(PHONE RINGING)

VICTOR:
(ON MACHINE)

Yes, you've reached the office

of Victor Pepe Kershaw.

I'm not in to take your call right now,

because I'm being held hostage

by a bunch of f***ing body...

-(GRUNTING)

-(GROANING)

(MACHINE BEEPS)

...Kershaw. I'm not in

to take your call right now.

Please leave a message at the tone...

And for God's sake, help me!

My a**hole trainer, Daniel...

(MUFFLED GROANING)

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Okay. it won't happen again.

I understand.

-(MACHINE BEEPS)

- Please leave a message

and a designated representative

-will get back to you.

-(MACHINE BEEPS)

Gentlemen, it's me. Listen closely.

Rabbi Melman, Gut Yontiff. (GRUNTS)

(STAMMERING) I'm fine.

I just banged my shin.

Take the kid to your parents

until I can get this worked out.

And not a word to the police,

baby, okay?

Not one word.

I don't need a secretary anymore.

Okay, you're fired!

There's some complex engineering

in these things.

No necesita...

You know, to clean Ia casa.

Jack... It's very simple.

I've fallen in love with a younger woman

and we're relocating to San Juan.

I know. .. (GROANS)

Okay, take care.

DANIEL:
All right, we're good here.

Patriot Two, you got first watch.

-(VICTOR SOBBING)

- First watch?

DANIEL:
Uh-huh.

- I got to watch him?

- Yeah.

- We're gonna be alone?

- We're gonna rotate.

I got to go to work!

We got to keep up appearances.

What do you want me to do?

DANIEL:
Keep an eye on him.

- He's crying!

- That's okay, he'll stop.

(TRAINERS YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

JOHN:
Late three times in a row.

DANIEL:
Tiffany, did my 11:00 call?

Mr. Kershaw?

He didn't call, Mr. Lugo.

You know, call me crazy.

I don't know... My body's top priority.

DANIEL:

Everything was falling into place.

VICTOR:
(YELLING) Anybody here?

I need a drink!

Somebody?

I need a drink!

Urn... Somebody!

PAUL:
Uh...

We don't keep spirits here.

And I'm sober.

VICTOR:
No sh*t!

- Me, too.

- You are?

So cool. Praise Jesus!

Got my chip and everything.

That was a proud moment.

(SIGHS) You should be proud.

There you go.

You know, when I was in prison,

I was clean for nearly a year.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

But a week before I got sprung,

I had a little pruno slip.

- Huh?

- Pruno is prison wine.

I made the best pruno in the yard.

You know what?

Maybe the real reason I'm here

is to help you

get through another day sober.

- That's heavy.

- It really is. I know.

It truly is.

I'm sorry about all this. Everything.

Oh, no, no. It's okay.

Sh*t happens. Forget it.

(STUTTERING) But really,

maybe I was sent as a reminder.

Do you believe in that stuff?

Higher power stuff?

I live it.

Okay...

You think I could get another one

of those Taco Supremes?

Yeah...

Sure. There you go. We'll switch.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. (CHUCKLES)

- They're even better cold.

-(CHUCKLES)

- You must be so hungry.

- Mmm.

You are so much nicer

than the other two.

(CHUCKLES) Ah, they're sweet guys.

You just don't know them yet.

But thank you for the compliment.

See, the simple fact

that you are defending them

suggests that

you are nicer than they are.

I'm just saying.

You're a Jew, right?

Yes, I am.

Half-Jew.

You have a problem with that?

I think I can help you.

That would be great!

That would be great.

How? I mean, how so?

(SIGHS)

Victor, do you accept Jesus Christ

as your personal savior?

Victor?

I do.

-(SIGHS)

- That felt great.

(SIGHS)

How did you do that?

I have a gift.

It's a gift.

(MUFFLED) You're good.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

DANIEL:
Busy day!

- Wake him up.

- Get up!

(WHIMPERING)

(GROANING)

Oh, yeah... Look at that...

DANIEL:

Get some paper towels, damn it!

ADRIAN:
Yeah.

DANIEL:
Sh*t!

If there's pee on the policy,

they'll think

he's incontinental and flag it!

Sh*t!

It's not "incontinental,"

you moron. It's "incontinent."

You really are

a brilliant criminal mind, Lugo.

Well, I'm smart enough

not to be the one cuffed to a couch,

about to get cleaned the f*** out.

This one's gonna require

your signature. Bing!

(GRUNTING) No f***ing way.

(GROANING)

PAUL:
I know you can't see me, Victor,

but I have a look

of suspicion on my face.

VICTOR:

What's there to be suspicious about?

I would like to call you Eldad.

In Hebrew, it means

"Beloved of God."

Would that be okay, my friend?

I would be honored, Victor.

PAUL". Pepe was my second friend.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

ADRIAN:
It's my shift, bro. Go home.

Go to church or whatever you do.

It's my torture chamber now.

DANIEL:
Doyle was taking

extra shifts with Kershaw.

And, yes, it was getting my attention.

DANIEL:
Sorina, you home?

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to see who you really are.

A big music video director

does not need

these glasses that see in the dark!

I don't want you going through my stuff.

Okay? These are not toys.

Big director driving your p*ssy-ass Fiero

with the Scooby-Doo seats!

I need you to sit down right now

and listen very carefully.

You know where I've been all day?

I've been at headquarters

in Langley, Virginia.

I haven't been truthful with you,

and, believe me, it hurts.

You have got to understand my work.

I'm in the CIA.

Now, good men have died

to keep what I just told you a secret.

CIA? Like the CIA-police CIA?

Those goggles,

they're government issue,

and, I guess in a way, so am I.

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