Pain & Gain Page #6

(GASPS) CIA, Daniel?

- That is so hot!

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's better you hear it all.

L... (SIGHS)

I mean, I've seen things, okay?

Done things.

One time in Hong Kong,

I had to live for a week in a tree.

No food, no bathroom, no nothing.

You poor, poor baby! I am so sorry!

Do you know, this is the real reason

I approached you.

- Me?

- Yes.

You think you can handle

being an operative?

Oh, my God, Daniel, yes!

I'll do anything!

You know my associate, Paul?

- The big guy?

- Yeah, the weird guy?

Yeah. You're gonna

have to work close with him.

This is my adopted country.

I'll die for it.

Daniel, did you ever catch a spy girl?

And then maybe

you have to be spanking her.

Yeah, and calling her dirty,

Commie-sucking whore.

Whatever it takes.

"...which has been trading

on the NYSE since 1972."

NYSE?

New York Stock Exchange.

Oh. I'm from New York.

All right, next... (CLEARS THROAT)

I can read to you about the Unabomber.

Scary.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh!

Damn it! Why'd you make me

do that to you, Victor?

I have responsibilities!

Jesus Christ Himself

has blessed me with many gifts!

One of them is knocking

someone the f*** out!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Pepe, you okay?

Pepe?

It's Eldad.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, James Bond.

Why so sad?

I had to hurt a man today.

- Wow.

- I didn't want to,

'cause I like him.

But he forced me to.

Look, in your line of work,

people do get hurt.

- Okay.

- Danny tells me I'm with you now.

We work together, we play together.

For king and country.

Playing together sounds good.

Very good.

I still have no idea

what you're talking about right now.

Oh, it's okay. I know who you are.

Well, you should, 'cause we've met.

Tell me about the playing again?

I woke up this morning

in a state of excitement,

lap dancing the day away.

PAUL". It's like the Bible says...

You give and you get back

a hundredfold.

And then some greasy pudge-bunny

comes and takes it all away.

Me and the lady

were having a conversation.

You should never wear yellow, pal.

Little kids might think you're

a school bus and climb on for a ride.

PAUL". His name was Frank Griga

and he was the third richest man

in Golden Beach.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't know any of that then.

All I knew was that he was a douche.

DANIEL:
We were three weeks in

and Victor wasn't breaking.

- You got a racing dog, huh?

- Mmm-hmm.

Hey! So, Mr. Kershaw

sold you Tasty Reuben?

Yep. Tasty Reuben's all mine now.

Let's try something new.

This one, I think,

is gonna be a fan favorite.

-(SIZZLING)

-(GROANING)

- You ready to sign now?

-(STRAINED) No!

DANIEL:
The guy was fierce.

ADRIAN:
Ha! Come on, come on!

Hey, baby!

Where did you get that dog?

I got somebody here

that wants to meet you!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God, I love him!

VICTOR:
Lugo, you can get my life,

but you can't have my sh*t!

DANIEL:

All I wanted was a little effort, baby.

Eat me, Doogie.

DANIEL:

He never worked this hard in the gym.

But I did. I break guys for a living.

- Are you ready to sign now?

- F*** you!

Take him around again.

(GROANING)

I hate you.

Thanks, buddy.

BANK MANAGER:
Mmm-hmm.

Good. Good. Hmm.

Uh-oh.

Is... Is there a problem?

No, there shouldn't be a problem.

It's just that

all of these transfer documents,

they need to be witnessed

by a notary public.

Well, can't you do that?

We'd be delighted.

We just need you and Mr. Kershaw

to sign the documents

in the presence of our notary.

But Mr. Kershaw is overseas

in Europe saving elephants.

So, you can just... It's okay.

Well, around here,

we call that a problem.

F***! F***! F***! F***!

F***! F***! F***! F***!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

JOHN:
Put it in the trash,

with the rest of my dreams.

DANIEL:
No contest, John?

Lost the sponsor. Chapter 11.

I told you

Amino Tropical Blast's benefits

were totally undocumented.

Can I see you in the office

for a minute, John?

You're still a notary, aren't you?

Yeah. Technically, I guess. Why?

Well, I was hoping

you could transfer some property.

I made a deal with a friend of mine.

Just bring him by tomorrow.

Look, my friend,

he cannot come back, okay?

This is a very unique situation.

He's out there trying

to impact the world in a positive way.

No, that's the only reason for a notary,

is that I have to

witness the signing of the document.

Otherwise, somebody

could just come in off the street,

forge somebody's signature

and take all their sh*t.

You know, I got a stamp.

Can I borrow it?

No, you can't borrow my stamp.

That's sacred.

What the f*** are notaries, man?

We're officers of the law.

Remember this chick?

Shelley? Used to work here?

Black chick? I f***ed her.

Big slut.

- Oh, John?

- Yeah.

You know, I, um,

I might have found

a sponsor for your competition.

You ever heard of Schlotzsky's?

JOHN:
The signature's a little off here,

but no big deal.

All right, down, down, down! Just...

There, there, there!

(LAUGHS) Love it!

DANIEL:
Finger one,

find somebody with money. Check.

Finger two,

make him give you everything he owns.

Three million dollar house,

500,000 cash. Check.

Finger three,

make America a better place.

PAUL:
You said no violence.

No bad violence!

(SIGHS) I know! Okay?

And I meant it when I said it,

I swear to God.

All right?

But this guy, he knows who I am.

He could ID me.

All right? That's gonna lead them to you.

I cannot kill.

Duly noted. All right?

But if you had to do it, you would adapt.

You would reach down deep, right?

What do you mean, "reach down deep"?

What if I reach down

and there's nothing there?

Then we give you bus money

and you're off the team.

That's harsh. I want to be on the team.

I want you to be on the team. Okay?

And the Good Lord wants you to be rich!

All right? But he could put us all away.

He saw us, big guy. He saw you.

Do you want to go back?

I'm not gonna let him do that to you.

I'm not gonna let that happen to you.

You're not going back!

Look, when this is over,

we'll all go camping.

- All right?

- Okay.

And, meanwhile,

make him comfy, all right?

Just get him drunk.

I can't do that.

Why?

Pepe is sober.

Do me a favor, okay?

Don't call him Pepe

like you were in the sixth grade together.

VICTOR:
(GASPING) Hey.

(WHISPERING) Are we alone?

- Yeah.

-(SOBS)

Would you...

Would you help me... Help me escape?

You need money.

I've got money. You can have it all.

- Everything.

- Victor, Victor.

(SOBBING)

I don't want to die, Eldad. Not now.

My son...

Look, Victor. Victor.

This will all be over very soon.

(COUGHING)

We're gonna get you on a plane tonight.

We know someone at the airport

who's gonna get you

out of the country tonight,

but the only way he's gonna do it

is if you're knee-walking drunk.

You won't remember his face.

You have to.

You're going to need a drink if I die,

you half-a-retard!

And when I get to heaven,

I'm going to tell Jesus what you did.

You're not going to tell Jesus anything.

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