Pain & Gain Page #7

(GROANS)

I'm doing you a favor!

(SPUTTERING)

I'm giving you a private jet!

Whisking you out of the country!

(BOTTLE SMASHES)

VICTOR:
(SLURRING)

Hey, this don't look like an airport.

(MUMBLING UNINTELLIGIBLY)

Where's my jet?

PAUL:
Don't worry,

you're still going home.

A thousand bucks if I smash him

-into that f***ing backhoe!

- ADRIAN:
Do it.

- A thousand?

- A thousand!

- Drink some! Drink some!

- Hey... Son of a...

Oh, my God.

(ADRIAN LAUGHS)

VICTOR:
Hey, I have a... (GRUNTS)

Calm the f*** down.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-(TIRES SCREECHING)

-(GRUNTS)

Yes!

I f***ing told you!

(LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

Lucky I had an airbag.

You put on his f***ing seat belt?

Yeah.

It is the law.

You don't put on a seat belt,

you'll hurt your face

with the airbag.

That's what they tell you.

"Buckle up. It's the law."

His blood alcohol's up to his ears!

Nobody would expect him to buckle up!

Yeah, I concur. That was real stupid.

You just made a good man suffer.

This is going f***ing perfect!

- Perfect.

- Get the gas can now!

You're siding with him?

I was like the Iceman, okay?

Bull's-eye! Strike!

Suckers.

I'll get the gas can. I'll be alone.

Hey, Pepe, it's Eldad. You okay?

Don't do that right now, please. Don't.

VICTOR:
(SLURRING) All good, Eldad.

ADRIAN:
Let's go. Let's go, let's go.

-(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

- Hurry up.

Uh-oh.

Oh, sh*t.

Paul, just run him over.

PAUL:
Just run him over?

DANIEL:
Yeah, just start the car

and just run him over.

I can't start the car

and run him over. We...

Paul, your friend Pepe is on fire.

He's going to die anyway.

Do you want him to suffer,

or you want to take him

out of his misery?

You can do this, okay? Start the car,

put it in gear and run him over.

I don't know, DL. That's hardcore, man.

Start the f***ing car and go!

(CAR STARTS)

-(ENGINE REVVING)

-(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

Back over him.

Get it over quick.

It's like ripping off a Band-Aid.

Just do it!

Don't make Pepe suffer.

(GROANS) No!

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

-(GURGLING)

-(CRUNCHING)

I knew you could do it, Paul.

You just killed a man.

We did.

No, you did it.

I just provided options.

Why are you saying I did it?

We did it.

No, you drove.

It's... It's a good thing. Tell him.

You did a good thing.

(SIRENS WAILING)

VICTOR:
No, this wasn't heaven.

I wasn't transported

to some celestial space

given my newfound bullshit Christianity.

This isn't that kind of story.

But you know how

I knew these monkeys

were rank f***ing amateurs?

Because I was still alive.

You can beat me, rob me,

hang me like dry cleaning,

burn my f***ing hair off,

but don't tell me

you're taking me to the airport

when really you're going to kill me.

And if you are going to kill me,

you damn well better do it.

-(GROANING)

- Mmm!

Hey, baby doll.

Thought we almost lost you

there for a while.

Okay, let me explain to you

about your face.

(MUFFLED) Holy sh*t!

(GROANING)

I was tasered by ninjas.

Is that tire tread on your forehead?

Yes, for the fifteenth time, it is.

They did this to me!

Drove right over my face.

So, you're from Colombia originally.

So what?

I got run over here. In America.

Not in Colombia!

- I'm not sure I like your attitude, sir.

-(CONTINUES GROANING)

Shut the hell up, Baby Huey!

A**hole.

I'm going to kill him.

Nurse!

Listen to me.

I just lost my family, my business,

and half of my nose.

I almost bit my tongue off.

Got my bank accounts cleaned out.

You think I give a rat's ass

if you don't like my attitude?

FEMALE DETECTIVE:

We could still arrest you.

Your blood alcohol

was four times the limit.

Is this her first day?

Just tell me if this is

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

Don't you listen?

They forced chocolate liqueur down me!

The evil ninja weightlifters?

Those are the guys?

You should cut

some of that fuzz out of your ears!

Daniel Lugo. Write it down.

From what I hear,

Mr. Vic "Pepe" Kershaw,

they sell quite a bit

of drugs in Colombia.

God, I can't believe this!

I'm having some trouble with it myself.

You say you were bound, abused

and roughed up by

a group of bodybuilders.

Was this a sex thing?

What?

One very large burnt dildo,

baseball-sized anal beads found

in the back of your car.

Not normal stuff.

We're finding it hard to believe

that no one reported you missing.

Not one single person.

This could be a wake-up call, buddy.

(STAMMERING)

Wait a second. Is that all I get?

Get back here!

- I don't believe a word he said.

- Mmm-mmm.

DANIEL:

We stack-loaded 3,000 protein calories.

Looking tough, feeling tough.

We were going to rock it.

We didn't find Kershaw's obit.

We found him alive, at the hospital.

So we had some unfinished business.

Oh! I'm not going to make it.

I'm not going to make it...

Can you keep him quiet?

-(GROANING)

-VICTOR:
on, Christ.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

ED". Being a cop for so long,

I've learned that

people's lives are usually linear.

Until they're not.

Comes a day

for just about everyone when A

suddenly skips B

and careens to polka-dot weird W.

Best move I ever made

was marrying Cissy.

Sweetie pie, are you deaf?

- The phone has rung, like, 19 times.

-(PHONE RINGING)

Twenty.

Sorry, babe, I didn't hear it.

After I retired,

I reopened the detective agency

my old man used to own.

But after a few years,

Cissy begged me to retire from that, too.

She said Pd earned my relaxing years

with long, lazy days

full of golf and fishing.

Except the only thing

I hate more than golf is fishing.

Du Bois Investigators, Inc.

Is this Ed Du Bois the Second?

Actually, it's Ed the Third.

I want Ed the Second.

He's dead. And I'm retired.

I'm guessing you're looking at

a hell of an old yellow pages, buddy.

Everything's old in this frickin' hospital.

-(TOILET FLUSHING)

-It just shot out of my ass!

- I couldn't help it.

- NURSE:
(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, God.

He should be ejected from this facility!

NURSE:
Oh, my God...

Not you.

(STAMMERING) I need your help.

I'm a desperate man.

What did you say your name was?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

DANIEL:
The team explored

a number of infiltration procedures.

Adrian even offered to stage

a diversionary fistfight in the hall.

We decided against that.

But I can't say that

what the police told you

is far from my own analysis.

I have to entertain

the possibility that you might be lying.

DANIEL:
There was one major problem.

This f***ing archaic

line-directory system

throughout the whole entire hospital.

It took us an hour just to find the ICU.

VICTOR:
Please believe me,

it happened just the way I say it did.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Mr. Kershaw,

but I can't take the case.

I'm a dead man.

A hospital is a very public place.

And anybody could gain

access to your room.

And if it were me, and some large men

were trying to re-kill me,

and I wanted to stay un-dead,

I'd get the hell out of there. Fast.

(DISCONNECTS)

DANIEL:
In the end,

after reviewing our past performance,

Rate this script:2.3 / 3 votes