Pain & Gain Page #8

we could come to only one conclusion.

We're so much better when we wing it.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

DOCTOR:

Can I help you with something?

I'm Dr. Lowenstein,

uh, Mr. Kershaw's

primary care physician.

He didn't mention anything.

Oh, well, I'm, uh...

I'm over at Miami General.

Where is Victor?

He checked himself out,

against my advice.

I think the visit

from the police scared him.

Police? What did they want?

Oh, accident investigation.

They didn't seem too thrilled

by Mr. Kershaw's account of events.

He claimed he'd been tortured.

By bodybuilders.

- Bodybuilders?

- Yes.

This is a case of delusional

alcoholism. It's not uncommon.

You know, I warned him about that.

Why are you dressed for

surgery in our hospital?

Well, I like to be prepared for anything.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen?

(ADRIAN LAUGHS)

ADRIAN:
Oh, sh*t...

So, what if he goes to the cops?

He already did.

You know what happened? Nothing!

Because they figured out

what we already know,

that Victor Kershaw

is a half-criminal prick

who deserved bad sh*t to happen to him.

Yeah.

I thought he had to be dead.

So what?

You might feel a little prick.

(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)

Oh, yeah!

It's a little less than what I'm used to,

but what the heck?

(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES)

I'm going to rock your world.

Ninja style.

(BOTH MOANING)

I told you we'd fix it

with the magic penis shots.

(LAUGHS)

Mmm... (MOANS)

Oh, yeah! (MOANS)

- No way!

- No, this is your house.

-(GASPS)

- PAUL:
Jesus may exalt.

- But cocaine is king.

-(SNIFFING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

They seem very happy.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Mmm-hmm. Dry humping.

(MOANS) This is such nice,

supple leather.

A**hole.

I know what you're looking at.

Now look at this.

I don't have a home, you putz!

-(CAN CLATTERS)

-(KNOCKING)

(GROANING) Oh, jeez!

Hey, Kershaw! It's Ed Du Bois!

Jesus.

You thought I was lying.

Sometimes it takes me a while

to make up my mind.

Nice place.

How'd you find me?

Cab driver at the hospital.

(SIGHS) I paid him 20 not to talk.

ED:
Well, I paid him 40.

This sh*t's my new best friend.

I'm gonna look into your case, Victor,

but if you're not telling me the truth,

you're gonna be in a lot more

trouble than when you started.

So, why are you helping me?

Well, what they did to you

is un-American.

Real reason.

Well, catching fish is fine.

Catching bad guys is finer.

Now, won't you tell me

your story again, hmm?

From the beginning.

Just give me one more

of those blue ones.

You've had enough.

- Hey, there.

- Hey.

Hey, we didn't see you move in.

Oh, you know,

most of my things are being shipped.

What happened to the Kershaws?

You know, I don't know the specifics,

but they must have

really been underwater,

because they practically

gave me the house.

I mean, I had asked

the guy from the bank

and he thinks that

the guy ran off with some girl

that he met in Havana,

like one of those sex vacations.

Jeez! Man, you think you know people.

Yeah.

Although Victor liked

to talk about sex a lot.

Brad MacCalister.

Torn...

Lawn.

- Gotcha.

- Yeah.

That's a pretty

professional looking hoop

-you got there.

- Yeah.

Look at you,

already improving the place.

Well, that's what I do.

You know, I saw

your wife drop off a gang of kids,

figured they could come by

anytime and shoot a round.

I've done a bit of coaching, so...

Hey, that sounds terrific.

Use your elbows, you little p*ssy!

(GRUNTS) Oh, tell your mama!

Damn!

- Sucker! Oh!

-(BOY GROANS)

What the hell

are you doing on the ground?

- That hurts.

- Well, it's supposed to hurt!

That pain's what's gonna save your life.

Your cells remember where it hurts

and that's where they get strong.

It's called pain and gain, Rusty.

Don't be a little b*tch.

You gonna man up?

You better,

'cause right now your sister's

stronger than you.

Give me your hand. Get up!

What are you looking at,

you little chubby broad'?

Don't eyeball me, boy. I see your mother

driving up and down the street

looking at me.

I'll be your stepfather in about a week.

DANIEL:
I love my new home,

my new neighborhood

and my little brat-pack crew.

I kept it real with them

little motherfuckers

and they kept it real with me.

(GRUNTS) That's 315, close grip.

All right, benching builds your pecs.

We got no homos in this gang, right?

All right, good.

And if you bachelors like girls,

listen to the Lawn Dawg.

No hottie can resist dope pecs.

You want to chase tail with me

in South Beach

on my Puppy Luv? Huh?

Or do you want to

look at your little nuts in the mirror

and see if you got any peach fuzz?

All right, good.

Wow!

DANIEL:
Hey, guys. You like it?

Yeah.

Oh, I love the sexy casa!

-(SORINA SQUEALS)

-(LAUGHING)

You guys like that?

You like that fine Russian p*ssy?

That was mine.

I gave it to him. Like nothing.

Now if we're gonna roll,

we're gonna chase tail,

we got to do it my way, okay?

No pickle-licking around here. Let's go.

Break it off. Remind your folks

about Neighborhood Watch, okay?

You, you, you and you, jog it home.

- All right, big man.

- ADRIAN:
All right, brother.

DANIEL:
Let's race the Porsche, baby.

PAUL:
Let's do it.

DANIEL:
Come on. It's money.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

You get the Turbo.

ED:
And this Adrian Doorbal,

he paid in cash?

Yes. 100,000.

- Cash?

- Cash.

- This didn't surprise you.

- No.

I thought maybe he was in sports, rap.

You know, he is black.

Yeah.

Well, you don't think it was strange

that Mr. Kershaw never said goodbye?

WOMAN:
He was a dick.

Always making fat jokes.

One time he told me

if I can cut out snacking,

that they can cure world hunger.

Yeah, he can be kind of rude that way.

What do you think of the new guy?

Awesome. He says I'm a do-er.

DANIEL:
Our Neighborhood Watch

is about to start.

Can I get everybody's attention?

Would you like one? Those are so cute.

They're like little edible penises.

I wish they had them in the strip club.

They're great niblets.

This is delicious.

And so easy,

from freezer to microwave to mouth.

(CHUCKLES)

Stan.

DANIEL:
Okay. Eyes front, neighbors.

Now, we'd all like to believe

we're safe here in

Old Cutler Cove Estates.

I know I feel more snug

and secure than I've ever.

And I feel very welcomed,

and I want to

thank you all for that. Okay?

But this is a very serious situation.

Okay? There are bad guys out there

that are waiting for

good people like us to drop our guard.

Bad guys are everywhere.

I should know, okay.

I work for the government.

And I've been to prison.

And it sucks!

At this first meeting

of the Neighborhood Watch,

Peter, Dick and I will demonstrate

a few ways we can keep ourselves safe.

- My pal, Dick... (SNAPPING FINGERS)

- Yeah.

...who works with me at the government,

will now hand out

your preparedness packs.

Right.

That means we have to hand

out the preparedness packs,

-thank you.

- PAUL:
Yeah. Right away.

In our own corner

of the American dream,

Rate this script:2.3 / 3 votes