Pain & Gain Page #9

safety requires vigilance.

Okay, look at our chart here.

Number one thing,

vigilance equals safety.

-(SNIFFING)

- Number two, recognizing...

PAUL:
Oh, baby. That's the one. Yeah.

Okay. First thing,

recognizing a potential attacker.

Sorry about that. There it is.

Peter?

- ADRIAN:
Safety pack.

-(SNIFFLING)

Each family gets a pack.

Each pack has

pepper spray and a taser.

Ladies, these things work.

You can zap a guy's balls off

with one hit, all right.

Okay! The lovely Sorina here...

- Ta-da!

-...Is going to be the victim.

Who wants to volunteer to be a rapist?

MAN 1:
Oh, sure.

MAN 2:
Right here!

Me. Pick me.

Can you pick me? Can you pick me?

We're only picking one, guys.

This is not a gang rape, okay.

You sit down. We'll take Brad.

Yes!

DANIEL:
My favorite neighbor.

BRAD:
He picked me, he picked me.

Hi, I'm Brad.

You touch her, I'll f*** you up!

- Hey!

- It was nice meeting you.

Dick.

This is only a simulation, okay?

Cairn it down.

PAUL:
Well, that's what

I'd do in this situation.

I'll f*** him up!

Paul, now.

Honey, I had to grab her ass.

Look, I was the rapist!

- You're a perv.

- It was role playing.

DANIEL:
What the hell are you doing?

What?

"What?" You look like sh*t.

I feel like I look great.

This is a critical time, Paul. Okay?

We cannot afford to mess this up.

I agree. You don't need

all this Kumbaya sh*t.

Excuse me? I blended in, okay?

I'm an influential member

of this community now.

Have some respect and act accordingly.

SORINA:
Paul?

The hotel wants you

to pay your $47,000 bill

or they're kicking us out.

(PAUL GROANING)

Yeah, honey?

What are you doing?

(GRUNTS)

I'm praying.

Well,

(VOICE ECHOING)

you should pray for $500

to relocate a pair of Jimmy Choos

from Neiman's to my shoe closet.

Okay.

Secret Agent Sorina

needs pimpy shoes for proper spying.

Secret agent,

Jimmy Choo shoes, I got it.

Mmm. (KISSES)

(GROANING)

Jimmy Choo shoes. Cash.

PAUL:

Sometimes, when you hit rock bottom,

you happen to be on the 20th floor.

I had a choice. Take the fast way down,

or find a way to keep climbing.

Lord God, this place is depressing.

(VICTOR GROANS)

And so is this.

(VICTOR GRUNTS)

No matter how it gets there,

your John Hancock shows

notarized, even at a 90-degree angle.

It's all legal and binding.

Oh, funny thing,

when a man's blindfolded,

electro-shocked, beaten with sex toys,

and hung like dry cleaning,

he tends to sign just about anything.

The Sun Gym Gang

has successfully acquired

every asset you had.

And they're enjoying it.

So I don't have a move?

Because if that's true,

I'm not paying you a f***ing dime!

You don't have a f***ing dime.

What happens now?

Now I go to work.

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

After a couple months with us,

you won't even recognize yourself,

trust me.

I trust you.

As you can see here, we've got

all brand new Cybex equipment.

All the latest stuff.

Want to start out with some curls?

You have the perfect frame

for bodybuilding.

I'm going to get you so jacked.

I'd love to get jacked.

What kind of work do you do, Ed?

Lawn and garden supplies.

Benches, birdbaths, stuff like that.

Oh, yeah? I got a pretty big yard myself.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Old Cutler Cove.

Wow. I didn't know trainers did so well.

You know, you believe

you deserve it and the universe...

...will serve it.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

- Jonny Wu says that.

-Yeah. I v commercial.

I love that guy.

All right, let's hit the chest press.

Lawn supplies, huh?

I got me a riding mower.

Snapper 342, you know it?

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

Yeah, it's a beauty.

It's a zero-turn model, right?

Yep.

It's got one of the best decks around.

It even stands up to Florida's sandy soil.

You might be my new favorite client.

Now, come on, you're growing.

Let's go. Let's go stretch those pecs.

How'd you happen to choose this gym?

A friend of mine recommended it.

He said

you worked him over pretty good.

(CHUCKLES) That's what I like to hear.

Who's that?

Victor Kershaw.

How is Vic?

I don't really know.

I can't get him on the phone.

(GROANING)

Well, maybe he's on vacation.

- Who's that?

- Kershaw.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure that's what it is.

PAUL:
I've been here before.

And I'm not proud of this.

(PEOPLE TALKING EXCITEDLY)

(GLASS CLINKING)

To my dearest Adrian.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You are my sun, my moon,

my Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

-(GUESTS LAUGHING)

- I love that show.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

GUARD:
He got the bag! He got the bag!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

-(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

-(HORN BLARING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(MEN SHOUTING)

GUARD:
Drop the bag! Drop it!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

My grandfather,

he said to me,

"Never marry a black man."

I don't know why.

He thought they were all dodgy.

But he's dead now.

From racism. No, it was a cement truck.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hello. ls the haircut line here?

I just need a little trim.

(GRUNTS) Oh, sh*t.

-(YELLS IN PAIN)

-(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Oh, sh*t!

(GROANS)

(WOMEN MURMURING)

GUARD 1:
He's over here!

GUARD 2:
Come on down here.

In here, go.

- Freeze!

-(GRUNTS)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

-(GRUNTS)

-(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(GUNSHOTS)

(OFFICERS YELLING)

PAUL". Well, this plan didn't work.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

OFFICER:
Cover the back!

She makes me

the happiest man in the world!

(GUESTS CHEERING

AND APPLAUDING)

PAUL". This plan was just practice.

(SIRENS WAILING)

But I had another plan.

Frank Griga,

the phone-sex douche from the club.

He wouldn't be as easy as a bank.

But as it turns out...

OFFICER:
In the water!

Fire!

...a bank wasn't all that easy.

(MUFFLED SHOUT)

(MUFFLED) Motherf***er!

(SIREN WAILING)

F***!

That's all I got.

What a dick.

Luge'? (GROANS)

Hey, Lugo! Goddang it.

Oh.

Oh, Danny. Danny?

- Will you shut the f*** up?

-(GROANS)

Slow down, Paul.

Did you do something bad?

Maybe a little.

You're all f***ing green.

I f***ed up! Oh, I've got to sit down.

(GROANS) om (GRUNTING) Dan...

Oh!

Oh!

They got my toe, Danny!

- They got my toe.

- Jesus!

I know, Jesus!

(STAMMERS) You can see the bone.

Put that f***ing thing away now!

Can they reattach it?

No, Paul, they can't, okay?

Because that's gonna bring questions

and the f***ing heat.

God gave you 10, now you got nine.

You've got to deal with that, okay?

Frank Griga.

He's got millions.

And we can take it. You know why?

'Cause we're do-ers.

I gave you a second chance,

and what did you do?

You put it right up your f***ing nose.

Oh, no, no, it's not just that!

(SNIFFING)

It's a little bit of that.

DANIEL:
You're broke, all right?

And now you want me

to solve your problems

by going f***ing cowboy

on some porn king?

Hey, what's going on? What...

- Why's your head green?

- Yeah.

PAUL:
I made a mistake.

He blew his whole cut,

now he wants to do another job.

Is that right?

Why did you say it like that?

Because I put

all my money in the house,

and now I need a procedure.

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