Pain & Gain Page #10

A procedure?

I'm a man who just got married

and his penis don't work, okay?

You know what?

Why don't you glue his toe

onto your balls?

Everyone wins.

ED:
Did you remember

to get me some bait?

CISSY:
I will not buy worms.

You're pretty funny.

(GROANS)

Your back?

(GROANS)

This is from your trip

to the gym, isn't it?

No, I just want to

lie here and think about the case.

Why did Miami PD

ignore this man's story?

His account of what happened

is rather unbelievable,

and other than that,

he's a hard guy to like.

-(PHONE RINGS)

- Mese.

Hey, you schmuck, you remember me?

(CHUCKLES) No, should I?

Well, I should think so,

seeing as you apparently watched me

sign my whole life away

to some f***ing weightlifter!

- WOMAN:
John!

- Mr. Kershaw.

Oh, so you do remember me.

That's funny

because I don't remember you.

Which must mean you're a liar.

Get the f*** out!

Ah...

(EXHALES)

I was under the impression

that you were out of town.

Oh, yeah,

I never left town, because I didn't have

any money to leave town with,

because you f***ing stole it!

Now give me my money back!

F***!

If that dog pees in the pool, you're fired!

Hey! Victor Kershaw

just called my office!

What'd he say?

You f***ing out of your mind? You f***!

(GASPS)

(CHOKING)

What'd he say, John?

He wants his stuff back!

- He wants all of it!

- Shut up!

Did he forget he gave it to me?

He wants the whole nut.

This phone's going to cost you $43.

...good tonight. Come on, let's go.

- Give me a whoop-whoop!

- ALL:
Whoop-whoop!

VICTOR:

You talk to your mommy, you b*tch?

Victor, how's it going?

I feel kind of just like sh*t, John.

Watch your language, dude.

Shut the f*** up!

No, no, no. No, not you.

Not you. I'm so sorry.

F*** you, you f***ing piece of sh*t!

You got the worst karma ever!

Victor, I feel horrible about this, okay?

Let me swing by there

and make it right. What's your address?

You got a pencil?

I'm at 143 F*** You Avenue

on the corner of Blow Me and Die.

(STRAINING)

Listen, tell me where you are

and I'll bring by the forms

for you to sign.

It'll be all legit. It'll make this right.

These f***ing guys hustled me

like they hustled you!

I am furious!

Now where are you?

I'm at your house, John,

f***ing your wife.

I'm not telling you where I am, John!

I'll call you later to set a meet.

That went like sh*t.

- What do we do now?

- Star 69 him.

You want me to have sex with him?

Press the star key,

press the six and press the nine!

(PHONE RINGS)

Seven Seas Motel.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

How did you do that?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

F***!

What's with you clowns?

What the... Hey,

snatch that Cabbage Patch!

(GRUNTING)

All right, here's the deal, little fella,

I'm gonna head-butt you

and knock you out, okay?

Well, if he's not there,

then I don't know where he is.

The only guy he talks to is

the guy who pays for his room.

What guy?

Sorry. Classified information.

No peeking through the hole!

I recently got married

and I was looking

for a place to have a honeymoon.

I was hoping maybe

you could show me around.

Why would you

want to have your honeymoon here?

Oh, this place has

a lot of fond memories for me.

The very first time

I bashed a man's skull in was here

and it was a mess!

But that bat was aluminum.

I've switched to wood.

So you should

get your ass out here right now

or I'll bash your brains all over that wall

with one f***ing swing!

Okay, sure.

Let me show you the pool.

DANIEL:
Holy sh*t. It's my client.

I told him I was gonna give him

a f***ing body like mine!

- Unreal.

- What a f***ing cocksuck.

ADRIAN:
I can't wait to go in his house.

I'm gonna sh*t in his bathroom.

That's what I'ma do.

ED:
It takes a little finesse

to tell the Chief of Police

that his guys missed something big.

His story's true.

Your guys went to sleep on it.

Yeah, you're a soft touch, Ed.

I'll take a look at what you got,

but it sounds like a nonstarter to me.

George, I got a trunk full of evidence.

Believe me, it's a starter.

OFFICER:
(OVER RADIO)

Hands up! Hands up!

A Colombian plus torture

equals bad news, Ed,

at 5230, 6200 and 11100,

for however many nights

it takes Channel 4

to make me look like

I'm kind of Uncle Juan

defending the rights of drug dealers.

Drug dealer?

The guy sold submarine sandwiches.

And Pablo Escobar

was a florist. Come on.

Ed, you know this.

Anything below the Keys

is like a boil on my ass.

These guys are still out there

and they're gonna get hungry again.

You should get on it.

DANIEL:

Trust between a trainer and his client

is sacred, like with priests and lawyers.

To betray that is

to betray everything I believe in

regarding fitness and America.

DANIEL:
Hey!

There's a white lady in there

making a really nice cherry pie.

I love cherry pies.

Cops.

What? Why are the police here?

Somebody called them

on a black guy in their yard!

What do you think they're doing here?

- Now what?

- Well, we can either

walk out front or

we can jump in the f***ing water.

I can't swim!

Thanks, guys! Appreciate it.

All right. Come on, come on!

ADRIAN:
Mission abort,

mission abort, mission abort!

CISSY:
How's your back?

The old back's fine.

Car wouldn't start, though.

You've got to get rid of that,

it's an old-man car.

So Mr. Kershaw called.

He said, "This is how you protect me,

"you p*ssy son of a b*tch?

"F***ing thugs come to murder me

"and where the f*** are you?"

And then he left an address.

ED:
Victor!

Never call bad guys!

Especially the ones

who are trying to kill you!

You're gonna give me sh*t

about that right now?

I'm gonna take you home. Clean you up.

ED:
Would you pass me a roll, please?

CISSY:
Sure.

You have some tiny trees.

That's sort of my hobby.

Oh.

Oh! Sh*t!

Here, let me help you.

(STAMMERING)

No, I can do it. I can do it.

ED:
Come on, let me help.

(STAMMERING) I... (QUIETLY) Ed;

(GLASS SQUEAKING)

- Mmm!

- There you go.

Every man needs to fight for his dignity.

I have a boat.

(VOICE BREAKING) I have a boat.

Sure you do.

Don't don't, do do,

nut up and be like Wu.

DANIEL:
I was so sick of Jonny Wu.

If! had learned anything

these past few months

besides what a f***ing notary does,

it's that if you don't

pay attention to details,

they can come up

and bite you in the ass.

Or worse, they hire detectives.

F*** this Beaver Cleaver sh*t.

And this nice house.

But I'm not going backwards.

So the three-finger plan

just needs another finger.

So, what?

Hey, Paul, it's me.

I want you to pick up Adrian.

We're gonna move on your porn king.

Dibs.

DANIEL:
How are you, sir?

- Good. How you doing?

- Excellent.

FRANK:
Yeah. Shut the door, please.

Now, come on, let's do

the show-and-tell. Come on, boy.

DANIEL:
Next.

India alone has a billion people

as of the last census.

One billion people, two billion ears.

And until now,

AT&T has had a lock on all of them.

Take a look at our flow chart.

See this guy, this is a woo-woo Indian.

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