Panto! Page #3

I'm fine.

I wanna word with you.

Take five!

Finlay!

I'm OK. It's Chesney

I'm worried about, he took

the full force of the Gherkin.

I can't stop weeing.

Is anyone else like that? No.

First rule of the theatre, train

your bladder as well as your ego.

When I did my two-hander Les Mis, I

didn't feel the call to trough once.

And nor did Sue Pollard.

I could put a bucket in the...

Do you ever finish

a sentence, darling?

I have never been

surrounded by such a bunch

of incompetent idiots since...

Well, since I last worked for you,

Di. That's libellous, Johnny.

Maybe we could just cut the flying.

Over my dead body. That's Fairy

Liquid's big moment. Sort it out.

I'm fine, guys.

I can do this. I'm a pro.

I think it might be a good idea

if I did one of my

new songs with less guitar.

This whole bloody fiasco is cursed.

Cursed. Did someone mention

the Scottish play?

I bet it was you. The one set

in Glasgow? I mentioned that.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

You all right?

I might need kissing better later.

Listen, babe, now your Paul's

staying, what are we gonna do?

Is Mummy Bear gonna have to be quiet

while you stir her porridge?

And, of course,

I adore porridge.

Do you love porridge?

Right, with the paucity of time,

I think we should carry on

and get to the end of act one.

That'll give us about an hour

before the actual show.

I need ten minutes

to mend the hoist.

Is that...? Oh! Argh!

Sorry, dear. Sorry, dear. It's OK.

Er... Is that really necessary?

Take a wild guess.

Finlay!

I think our Paul

walked out, you know.

Turn that frown upside down

and go find him.

Yeah. And, remember,

I am always here for you.

Always.

Over the years, I don't think

I've been such a good dad to him.

Sorry, I've got to get this,

it's my agent.

Hi, Jerry. Yeah. No, I'm great.

Can't wait for you

to meet my new b...

What news? Tamsin! I've got to go.

Can we talk about it later?

I'm not being disruptive. I'm just

not used to working with a tale.

I'm better than this.

I want to be playing Sleepy again.

We can't do Snow White every year.

Sleepy's a great part.

He's got narcoleptic tendencies

and is from a family of six siblings

with conflicting personalities.

Greg, you're not an actor

playing the part of a dwarf.

You're a dwarf who can act a bit.

Di. And this year,

you're a dwarf who is a cat.

Just get on, get off,

and don't bump into the scenery.

I think you're forgetting something

pretty major here, Greg.

Without the cat, there is no show.

No, no, no, listen. Think about it.

London is awash with rats,

the desert island

is awash with rats post-shipwreck.

Who saves the day?

Hmm? Only the best cotton-picking

rat catcher in the business.

So what you're saying is,

even though he has no lines,

the cat's kind of

the lead character.

Rrrrowww!

Rrrrowww!

Did you see the dress rehearsal?

I was a bit knackered so...

Yeah. I was a bit like that when

I was 12. Growth spurts and all that.

I'm 13.

Just testing.

I was thinking, on my day off,

we could go to the pier,

go on the Traumatizer.

It's not there any more.

They moved it to Blackpool.

It's been there for years.

I'm not even into fairs any more.

On Sunday,

JLS are playing in Manchester.

I'm sure I can

get tickets through work.

Brilliant. Can you see if One

Direction are playing as well?

You like One Direction?

About as much as I like JLS.

I'm 13, Dad,

not an eight-year-old girl.

Who are you into?

Elbow, Muse, the Killers.

Well, you'll like Tamsin, then,

she's a bit of a killer.

Francis.

Ah, Di. Er, yes.

I've been thinking.

Um, I wonder if Like A Virgin is...

too much of a stretch

for our Chantelle.

Vocally, I mean.

Oh, nonsense.

She's got the vocal range

of Katherine Jenkins.

Really?

Well, part of it, anyway.

Don't worry. I've sorted something.

Come in.

Um...

New costume for Like A... Virgin.

Oh...

Sorry.

Thanks, Finlay. You're

the only person on this show

who treats me like a human being.

Well, I... You know...

See you.

Are you decent?

Yeah.

Shame. Hi, babe.

Paul was just having a lie down,

weren't you, mate? Growth spurts.

I'm not having a growth spurt.

It's part of growing up.

Ask your dad, he still

gets them now, just not all over.

We'll be doing a bit of

catching up over Christmas.

That's so sweet.

Can just see you two together.

Doing loads of father and son stuff.

Um, fishing, DIY...

Wrestling.

We don't do nothing together.

We do. We play footie.

We haven't played since I was five.

You're too busy working.

He's a brilliant goalie. I play

up front now. Not that you'd know.

Well, maybe over the holidays

we can have a kickabout.

Who with? A fairy,

a dwarf and an axe murderer?

I'm not really an axe murderer.

Do you think I should go after him?

Listen, babes.

I've got the most amazing news.

My agent Jerry is coming tonight

and I am so going to introduce you.

You need an agent.

Nice one.

Nice?

It's more than nice, Lewis. It's

the start of us becoming a team.

It'll really cements us as a brand.

I really think I need

to go after our Paul. Sorry.

I'll see you in a bit.

No, no, no, no, no.

No. It's your best song

and it's not shoe-horned in.

I know but four times?

I could do a new song

just to mash it up a bit.

Chesney, it works. You're

in your shop. You want a loaf.

They have one.

It's the one and only.

Yeah, but... You want

a string of sausages. They have one.

It's the one and only.

You want a new hat. They have one.

It's the one and only.

One and only. I get it.

There's nothing

shoe-horned about that.

OK. OK. I give up. It's not.

Thank you.

It is a bit shoe-horned in.

Thanks, Chantelle.

I've had some bad reviews in my time

but never before opening night.

I didn't see you there. I was once

told by the great David Niven

that these are good for vocal cords.

One has the propensity

to make poor decisions when young.

He's probably doing his best.

Do you reckon?

That's what all parents do.

That's all we can do.

Do you have children?

Yes, yes.

A daughter Finty in Australia and

a small smattering of grandchildren.

Do you ever Skype them?

Beg pardon?

You know, to keep in touch?

Um...

Alas, I have to confess, I've not

been the best at keeping in touch.

Why's that? One tries at times,

but life gets in the way.

You see, children don't recognise

that parents want to impress them.

If you can't impress your children,

who can you impress?

Why do you think you can impress

them? Oh, for heaven's sake!

You might like it. Says a young man

throwing stones at his father.

He wouldn't care. He never

notices anything I ever do.

I'm sure that's not the case. Sorry,

mate. Sort your family out first.

Touche.

Oh, Dick, as I live and breathe.

I never thought I'd se you again.

Sweet Alice, what are you doing

here? This is my father's shop.

Daddy, this is Dick who I told

you about. Dick, this is my daddy.

The one and only

Alderman Fitzwarren.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes