Panto! Page #4

The one and only? You mean

there aren't any more of him?

That's right, Dick, because...

I am the one and only

Nobody I'd rather be

I am the one and only

You can't take that away from me

Di, have you seen our Paul?

Look at that. Genius.

# Nobody I'd rather be...

Shoe-horned, my arse.

I am the one and only

You can't take that away from me

Ladies and...

Ladies and...

Er...

Say it with your eyes shut.

It might help.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the Dick Whittington company,

this is your half-hour call.

Half an hour,

ladies and gentlemen.

Francis! Yes?

Oh, Francis.

I got the list of confirmations.

Look who's coming. Actual celebs.

Oh, wow. I almost

recognise some of them.

You see, that is

Tamsin's pulling power for you.

Ignore Cheryl Baker.

She's pranged her Daewoo.

Shoulders, Chantelle.

It's these shoes.

I'm sure Darcey Bussell

doesn't blame her sling-backs.

And stop flirting

with stage management.

You're worth much more than that.

You'd better make sure

this is bloody good.

We've actually got a red carpet.

Actually, have we got a red carpet?

Finlay!

Get me a red carpet!

Now, boys and girls.

Oh!

Jerry, stop hassling me.

I'm about to go on.

Ooh!

Miaow!

Hmmm...

Where's your career?

It's behind you!

Entrer!

Don't tell me, Chesney's lost

a tonsil, the dwarf's jumped ship,

and the fairy's hung herself?

No, just wondering

if you'd seen our Paul.

Come in, Lewis.

You and I need to have a chat.

What about?

Mistakes.

What mistakes?

Life mistakes.

Somebody from Emmerdale Farm

and a Vorderman.

Carol?

Brian. He works for the local paper.

But he's still a Vorderman

and, apparently,

a very fine mathematician.

Yes, well, good luck, guys.

Be fabulous. Knock 'em dead!

And remember...

Don't touch the scenery.

Wonderful.

Good luck, babe.

I'm in my zone!

Oh.

What's this, puss? What's this?

Fetch it! Where is it?

Miaow!

Babe! Oh!

Wish me luck.

Break a leg.

That's not funny.

London Calling

London calling

to the faraway towns

Now war is declared

and battle come down

London calling to the underworld

Come out of the cupboard,

you boys and girls

London calling,

now don't look to us

Phony Beatlemania

has bitten the dust

London calling,

see we ain't got no swing

Except for the ring

of the truncheon thing

The ice age is coming,

the sun's zooming in

Meltdown expected,

the weak air's growing thin

Engines stop running

but I have no fear

Cos London is drowning and I...

Live by the river

Hellos, boys and girls!

Hello!

My name is Richard Whittington!

Or for short, you can call me

Richard Whittington.

I've come to Old London

Town with my trusty cat Tickles.

All right, don't milk it.

Because I've heard that

the streets are paved with gold.

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh, my! What a lovely p*ssy.

He looks like he eats his Go-Cat.

Compliments, fair damsel,

will get you everywhere.

Do I look like a damsel in distress?

No, but you look like

a damsel in dat dress.

The name's Dick.

Dick Whittington.

And I'm Alice.

Must be why

I feel like I'm in Wonderland.

Might I kiss you, fair Alice?

Cor! Ain't she lovely?

I'll see her later.

And you! Goodbye, boys and girls.

I'm sorry.

So you said.

I am sorry, Tony. When we got there,

I just couldn't get on the plane.

So you said.

I was really looking forward

to that holiday, Gina.

I know.

But I've never had

a Christmas without my baby.

He's not a baby, he's 12!

He's 13.

You've got to cut the apron strings

sometime, you know.

I'm sorry.

So you said.

I can't believe Dick kissed me.

I've never been kissed before.

I guess you could say I'm...

like a virgin.

I made it through the wilderness

Somehow I made it through

Didn't know how lost I was

until I found you

I was beat incomplete

I'd been had

I was sad and blue

But you made me feel

Yeah, you made me feel

Shiny and new

Like a virgin

Touched for the very first time

Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin

When your heart beats

My ex-husband is in the cast.

You can't get in without a ticket.

I want to get my son. You'll

have to wait until the interval

unless you purchase a ticket.

Gina. Tony, go to the box office

and get a couple of tickets.

To watch this crap?

You're joking, aren't you?

I left my bumbag in the car.

I don't usually have a bumbag.

I was going on holiday.

Where are you going now?

Stage door.

Make me strong

Yeah, you make me bold

Oh, your love thawed out

Yeah, your love thawed out

What was scared and cold

Like a virgin

Touched for the very first time

Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin

When you heart beats next to mine

Like a virgin

Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah!

Hey!

Hey!

Hello, boys and girls!

How are you diddling?

Yeh! Come on! Come on, let's have it.

Are you standing proud?

Oh, look, the Spice Girls

are in Lancaster.

A lobster went into the pub and said,

"Can I have a pint of lager?"

The barman said, "Get out!" He said,

"Why?" He said, "You're banned!"

"What am I banned for?"

"Last time you came in,

you were giving it all that."

Oh, look.

Here's Dick.

Jack the Lad, can you tell me

the quickest was to get to

the Alderman Fitzwarren?

That depends, doesn't it?

Are you going by foot or car?

By car.

Well, that's the quickest way then.

Come on, seriously, how far?

Roughly speaking?

Roughly speaking.

- Oh, I'd say...

- ..two miles.

What's he like? Come on,

can't you be more specific, Jack?

The Alderman Fitzwarren?

Oh, let me see.

You'll find that by the B&Q.

Is there a B&Q in Lancaster?

No, but there's

an A and an L and an N.

I used to have a job in B&Q.

Did you?

Yeah, but I got sacked.

Ah!

Ah!

A man came in and said,

"I need decking." I went, bang.

Come on, Jack. Let's go, puss.

Bye, boys and girls.

That's my dad.

Come in if you're good looking.

Tamsin, darling.

We need to talk.

Jerry! Look at me

in my altogether.

Come in.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

They're loving you, mate. Chezzer,

who could've thought could've

been this good? It's brilliant.

This is why we do it, Lewis.

"Mr Loud to stage door, please.

Mr Loud to stage door."

I'm loving it.

Hang on. No!

Argh! No! No!

See you later, fella. Ow!

Celebrity Sleigh Rides?

Brand-new reality show.

Twelve celebrities battle it out

to get to the north pole first.

It's gonna be huge.

Been in all the papers.

I thought you said

you couldn't get me on this.

Oh! They want me to go tonight?

Samantha Womack

pulled out last minute.

Pretty big skis to fill

but I said, "If anyone

can fill it, my Tamsin can."

Well, I don't know, Jerry.

You'd look great in a snow suit.

I imagine. Well, I have imagined.

How long is it on for?

Three weeks.

Three weeks? Unless, of course, you

get voted off after the first show.

But you won't be. You're Mad Mindy,

the nation's favourite murderess.

No. I don't want to go.

Tamsin!

Babycakes, don't do this to me.

I told them you'll go.

It'll be perfect for you.

I can't go away for three weeks,

Jerry. Not on my own.

I don't mind coming with you.

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