Panto! Page #5

I could stay at the ice hotel.

Shoot some craps with Sue and Mel.

They're hosting.

I want Lewis to come with me.

Lewis?

He plays Jack the Lad.

Jerry, you know how important

this new relationship is to me.

I actually think he's the one.

If you can get him on it as well,

then I'll consider going.

Bloody hell. What are you doing

here? The holiday got cancelled.

You're joking. Why?

Well, the toilet freshener company

has gone bust,

so they cancelled

our flights and hotel.

So we've come to get Paul.

He's staying with me now. Where is

he? In the theatre. You don't know

where he is. He's watching the show.

You didn't want him. He's better

off with us. I did want him.

Huh! What are you huffing at?

I'm huffing at you.

Pretending you want him. You always

let him down. What's it to do

with you? They live in my house!

I didn't ask her to move in with you.

If you weren't such a prick,

maybe she wouldn't have done.

I am here, you know.

Gentlemen, if I may be so bold.

Why don't we allow the parents

to discuss young Paul,

while you and I, perhaps,

go and have a cup of tea?

I'm not having a cup of tea

with Dame Edna. Gina,

I'll be in the car.

Don't be too long.

Excuse me!

Nice.

Come on.

This always happens. Always happens!

I love him, Jerry.

He's the one. The guy who fitted

your splash-backs was the one.

The vet who put your

Shih Tzu to sleep was the one.

Who's it gonna be next week?

Don't belittle my feelings.

Don't you see?

You're asking the impossible.

Fine, I won't go.

Can you zip me up, please?

The clue is in the title.

Celebrity Sleigh Ride.

Lewis is not a celebrity.

Come on, Jerry. Work your magic.

I dare you.

Ooh!

Look, Gina, I know I've not always

been the best dad in the world.

Oh! Insight.

Is that Chesney Hawkes?

I was just leaving.

Cheers, mate. No, no.

Don't go on our account. Cheers.

I didn't know he was disabled.

Look, even when we were together,

I know I didn't put the time in.

I was too busy working on my career.

Messing around on the radio? You're

no Steve Wright In The Afternoon.

I'm on in the morning.

You know what I mean.

I want to put it right now.

Please, Gina,

let me have this time.

If I don't start

building bridges with him now,

when am I ever gonna do it?

Bloody hell, Lewis.

What's happened to you?

I dunno. Maybe I've

learned from my mistakes.

I don't know.

What about Christmas day?

You can see him on Christmas day.

Come to my house.

Just don't bring meathead.

One turkey on Christmas is enough

Stop it.

Come on, Gin.

I don't know.

Mum?

What are you doing here?

Puerto Banus got cancelled.

What a waste of a jingle, eh?

Your mum's come to take you home.

Er, all right.

I asked if you could stay. I know

you probably won't like the show,

but I thought afterwards we could

get take-away, watch crap telly.

Dad. Maybe tomorrow,

we could go to the park,

have a kickaround. I'd like that.

I don't hate it.

You what? The panto.

You're joking? You're good.

He's really funny, you know, Mum.

Yeah, I do vaguely remember.

Oh, aye.

He's dead funny.

You heard them all laughing.

Yeah, but... I was, like,

to everyone, "He's my dad."

Oh, lad.

Is this a wind-up? Piss off. Don't

speak to your father like that.

OK.

Come here.

I'm going to ring you tomorrow.

Answer your phone.

Thanks, G.

Thanks, Mum.

See ya.

See ya. Appreciate it.

Look, I know that won't want him.

Just book the geezer a ticket.

It'll get her on the plane.

By the time they land, I can say Mel

and Sue have put the kibosh on it.

Or some other bollocks.

All right, short-arse?

All that matters

is that I get her on the plane.

Knowing Tamsin, she'll be bored with

him before they check the bags in.

Just book the ticket now.

Great! Thanks! Nice one!

Thanks, Sue. Give my best to Mel.

Tell her I loved them cakes.

Sorted.

Ah!

Lewis! Have you got a minute?

It's act-two beginners.

My agent thinks you're great.

Jerry, this is Lewis.

Lewis, this is Jerry.

All right, mate? How are you?

Oh, that accent isn't put on.

Please, sit down.

I've got something to tell you.

You're pregnant? You're not, are you?

No. Why? Do I look fat? No.

What's the news? We've got to get

back on stage. I'm not going back on.

What?

I'm leaving.

You're leaving the panto?

I have got an ickle job offer.

And not so ickle.

I've been asked to go on

Celebrity Sleigh Ride.

Ah! How exciting is that?

Wow! Brilliant.

I know. I'm so lucky.

What is it?

It's been in all the papers.

Celebrities battling it out to be

first to get to the north pole.

God, that sounds sh*t.

They want you on it too.

But I like the concept.

It's going to be big, Lewis.

Yeah, well, I'm not really a celeb.

Not outside the northwest.

I'm massive in Morecambe but...

Is this a wind-up?

No. Come on, Jerry, tell him.

I knew they were looking

for a non-celeb to go on.

Fool the others they're famous,

that kind of thing.

I convinced them it should be you.

You're joking?

Jerry's brilliant.

Say you'll do it, Lewis.

Imagine me and you in the snow.

We'll be like the new

king and queen of... the pole.

Bloody hell.

I don't know what to say.

Well, say yes, babe.

Think of all the spin-offs.

You are going to be famous.

It's a great opportunity, Lewis.

Oh, brilliant! They need us

at the airport in an hour.

In an hour?

Come on, say you'll do it, Lewis.

Get on that plane with me tonight.

It's now or never.

Babe?

Smile!

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're in there.

They're like Girls Aloud

on Zimmer frames, yeah.

You all right, Dad?

Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?

Dunno. You just seem a bit...

I just wanted to check you were OK.

Yeah. Dad, do you know tonight?

Can we get a Chinese?

I just fancy a nice crispy duck.

Yeah, of course we can, mate.

No matter what happens,

I'll make sure you get your Chinese.

Lewis!

What are you doing out here?

You're spoiling the magic.

It's Dick Whittington, mate,

not bleeding Macbeth!

Don't say that.

Things are bad enough.

Di wants to speak

to full cast on stage now.

Now!

See you later, mate, OK?

All right. See you later.

There he is.

Oh, my god! He's so gorgeous.

Ready, handsome?

Er...

Tamsin, I...

Oh, god! Don't do this to me.

Oh, god!

I'm feeling really psychic.

You're not coming, are you?

I'm sorry.

Oh, my heart's breaking

into a million little pieces.

Every piece has got your name on it.

Don't say that.

But it's true.

We could have

been brilliant you and me.

We could've been a bit sh*t, though.

Well, I guess we'll

never know now, eh?

Bye, babe.

I'll go into the snow on my own.

I've got to hold on to this feeling.

In case I have to be really upset

in Casualty or something.

You won't get in trouble

if he don't come, will you?

I've got us out of tighter spots.

I'll sort it. Come on.

Alas, we have a mutiny on our hands.

As you know,

I'm always professional.

But I have to tell you

the sh*t has hit the fan!

And that sh*t

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