Panto! Page #6

is called Tamsin Taylor.

She's left the show.

What?

Ah, Lewis.

Amazed you've shown your face.

Traitor. Murderer!

And Lewis has decided to join her

and appear on Celebrity Sleigh Ride.

Standing proud now, are we, Mr Loud?

Actually, Di, I've decided to stay.

Oh... I um... I take back what

I said about you being a murderer.

Well, it was a bit strong.

And not in context.

I can't do this, it's not working.

Just yank it open, you daft cow!

Not this! Us!

This isn't working. You and me.

I knew. You want to get back

with him. I'm sick of this!

No, I don't!

And I'll tell you what I'm sick of.

I'm sick of refereeing

between you and our Paul

and you and Lewis and you and the

world. I've just had enough of it!

I wanna be on my own.

I'm afraid

we are left with no option

but to cancel the show.

Oh, no. If I don't have a Dick,

we don't have a panto.

You've still got a cat.

A great cat. A cat who cares.

To be fair, Greg, what I said

earlier about the cat being

the lead, it's all bollocks.

But what we had was good.

What? OK, good is pushing it.

But it was improving.

We must be able to do something.

Can't we get a new Dick

and start again tomorrow?

Lewis, it's opening night.

All the press are out there.

If we bomb now, you can forget it.

Can't one of us be Dick?

People don't know their own lines,

let alone anybody else's.

I know Dick's lines. Really?

I had to learn them

so I knew when to miaow.

Honestly, Greg,

I know you mean well

but to play Dick

we really need someone

who's a... a...

Who is an actor.

And Gregory is an actor.

It's one way not to cancel the show.

Hmm?

Really? Chantelle and Greg?

They look like the Krankies

but in reverse. Oh, thanks.

Front of house are getting restless.

Are we going up?

How can you sing the timeless

Sinitta classic So Macho to Greg?

Drop the song or play it for laughs.

They'll laugh anyway.

Alice is not a comedy role.

I know but she's also

supposed to be played by someone

who can sing, dance and act.

Mum, I'm crap. I've always been crap

and I'll always be crap.

Doesn't mean it can't be funny.

I don't think you're crap.

# Why are waiting?

I think you're amazing.

Oh, why are waiting?

It's a panto, Di.

It should be played for laughs.

Why are waiting?

But...

Why not?

The show must go on.

We've all been through so much

together. You have, to be fair.

If Greg plays Dick,

who's going to play the cat?

The costume won't fit anyone else.

It'll fit me.

Yeah. He's done school plays.

Does he know Tickle's motivation?

Can you stroke your tail

and not bump into the scenery?

Yeah.

He can do it.

But you can't have a cat

the same size as your Dick.

A little Dick

is better than no Dick.

Di, are we going to do this?

That audience sounds mutinous.

You're so good to me.

It's not all about you, mother.

We're not doing it for you, we're

doing it for that lot out there.

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

I come to ask you a favour.

Be patient with us, one and all,

for, in the last few moments,

our appearance

might have changed somewhat.

Some of us have grown taller

and some of us have shrunk.

But the story we bring

for your delectation and delight

still rings just as bright.

So, please, settle down,

kick back, relax, er...

take off your hats

and continue to enjoy the tale

of Dick Whittington And His Cat.

Exit stage left.

Think I got away with it.

Hello, boys and girls.

It's me Dick Whittington.

I shrunk a bit in the wash.

And this is my cat Tickles! Miaow.

As you can see, he's a very big cat.

But he's not a lion

and I'm not a king.

Eh? Lion King!

A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh,

a wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh

So macho

He's gotta be so macho

He's gotta be big and strong

Enough to turn me on

He's gotta have big blue eyes

Be able to satisfy

He's gotta be big and strong

Enough to turn me on

So macho!

No! Argh! Aarrgghh!

"I've got an email here

from Gemma from Grange-over-Sands.

We have posh people here."

She says, 'Dear Lewis,

I thought you and the cast

were wonderful last night.'

'We really had a good laugh.

In fact, we enjoyed it so much

we've booked to come again.'

Well, you can't say fairer than that.

If you were at the gig last night,

you would have seen

my good friend, the fabulous

Chesney Hawkes sing his classic

The One And Only.

But, for you, I've got a brand-new

song from dear old Chezzer.

"# Daddy, please,

make me an aeroplane"

I'll tell you what,

you can come again, Paul,

if you get your dad here on time.

"# I watch you fly"

"# With the sun in my eyes"

"# I walk you home"

Finty, I must show you this.

There's your dad.

That's me. I know.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Hello?

Lewis, ho can I help you?

Just to let you know we're on our

way in but we'll be a bit late.

Sorry? Don't worry.

We'll be in time for the show.

There's just something

we need to do first.

Lewis!

So many snapshots in time

If anyone can make me stand still

You will, you will

Stop...

winking.

There's no time to kill

How do we stop the wheels turning?

For a moment

Let's get off the train

Let the aeroplane go

Just like magic for everyone here

Let it go!

Just like magic,

the world disappears

Let it go!

Just like magic,

now everything's clear

Let it go!

Just like magic

Just like magic

These moments make up a life

And you want to take it all in

Just falling,

these moments make up a life

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