Paper Man Page #3

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- You think l didn't see you?

- l was just there

for moral support.

- l suck at volleyball.

- You do not

- l suck at everything.

- [sighs]

No, you don't

You're fantastic

across the board.

- Would you just shut up?

- We never go out anymore.

- Look, you got to leave, okay?

l'm meeting Bryce later.

- He's beneath you, you know.

[both moaning]

- Why you got to wear

so much sh*t?

- 'Cause it's freezing in here.

Run the heater.

- You want to pay for the gas?

[grunting]

- Are you done?

- [sighing]

Yeah.

[moaning]

See you later.

[engine turns over]

[rock music blaring]

[buzzing]

- Okay.

- Well, just go for it

- ll

l'm going.

[buzzing]

Okay, well, he's dead now.

Why don't you go?

Damn it

lt's your turn.

l don't know how you do this

all day.

l mean, there's so much

pressure.

- Well, it's just a game.

- l know.

- No one's dying here.

- Go ahead.

- We can play something else.

- No, it's fine.

lt'syou know.

- All right

Let's see.

That one's on my side.

- Yeah.

Well, that was fun.

- Yes, it was.

- Fun-packed weekend.

- Okay, weII,

have a productive week.

And l'll see you on the 15th.

- Yeah.

[engine turns over]

- [humming quietly]

What?

You're standing.

Oh.

Really?

[groans]

[exhaling deeply]

That's enough of that

You remember when you stuck

that dime up your nose

and tried to snort it

out your mouth?

The cowboy outfit for your

seventh grade school picture?

You remember?

The horny toads,

the hunger strike?

l cautioned you against

those decisions,

but you didn't listen to me,

which is fine,

'cause you were just a kid.

But now it's grow-up time.

The babysitter?

Bad, Richard.

Very, very bad, Richard.

That chair's gonna be a problem.

- Sakes alive.

[sighs]

- "Making the monkey.

"A humorous monkey is popular

in zooIogicaI gardens.

"For exampIe, it is IoveIy

that you make a baby monkey

"with small paper and that you

put it on a mother monkey.

Fold A, top right corner."

- Why origami?

Why now?

- l needed something to do

with my hands.

- l'm having trouble telling

which is the monkey

and which is the swan.

[knocking at door]

- Oh, that can't be all of them.

- No, no, there's a bunch more

in the truck.

- Oh, great

Start bringing them in.

Horton r

[knocking at door]

- Richard, Richard,

for the Iove of God,

don't do this please.

Listen to me.

You're making a huge mistake.

You're going for it

- lt's Abby.

My name.

Oh, you got rid of the couch.

- Yeah, the couch was a problem.

- [chuckles]

Um...

This is for you.

- Oh.

lt's...

it's a fish.

A dead fish.

A whole dead fish.

- Yeah.

My dad fishes, like,

for a living.

lt's a fluke.

- ln what sense?

- lt's called a fluke.

lt'sthe water around here

is swimming with them.

- Ah, yeah.

So it's edible?

- Yeah.

- A fluke.

That's great

Thanks.

- So l read that book you wrote.

l hope that's okay.

- Reading my book?

Of course.

You may be one of the few.

- So are you going out tonight?

Out on the town?

- Uh, l don't know.

What do the people of Montauk

do on a Friday night?

- The Yardarm's totally dead.

So you'd probably like that

lt's down by the harbor.

You can't miss it

- What did you think

of the book?

- l don't know.

What did you think of it?

- Me?

Oh, l

you know,

it's got its strengths,

got its moments.

l hate it

- You should probably

put that fish in the fridge,

'cause it'll stink up

the whole house.

Trust me.

I know.

What?

- Soup ingredients.

You know, if you feel like it

- You bought me a rutabaga.

- [chuckles]

- You're making this

too easy on me.

- Well, like l said, you know,

if you feel like it

No pressure.

- Your book was cool, actually.

lt kind of blew me away.

[bass-heavy rock music]

- You planning on having

something to eat?

- Thanks, no.

l've got soup at home:

homemade.

- Can't beat that

Another beer?

- Sure.

- So what brings you down

to the South Shore, then?

- A book.

A bird.

A book about a bird.

Research work, you know.

- My wife makes

a good chowder.

Not so much a clam chowder

Iike you'd expect,

more of a corn chowder.

- My Lorraine, she can shuck

a dozen oysters

in a minute and a half.

- Local Malpeque oyster?

- That's the one.

- My wife invented and patented

a Iifesaving poIymer shunt

- Shunt, you say?

- Shunt

So there's our heath hen,

hunkered down at Camp Hero.

- Just down the road here?

- Yep.

As game warden

- The Alfred guy.

- Yeah, correct

Alfred is his actual name.

In the book, I am going

to call him Horton or Morton.

Anyway, so he's brought

his flock of heath hens

back from the brink

of extinction.

- Awesome.

- l mean, he was down to 1 1

of them.

1 1, you know, but now with care,

and dare I say, Iove,

and incubators,

he's got 200.

And it's like the hen is saved.

- Safe, thank God.

- But because our story

is a tragedy,

you know what happens?

- What?

- Fire.

- No!

- Come on!

- Oh, yeah,

it sweeps across the preserve.

Of course, the heath hen,

not nature's most intelligent

bird to begin with...

- l hear ya.

- She just sits in her nest

You know, and she doesn't have

the sense to run

or fly or waddle.

You know,

when the fire runs out,

there's just five birds

remaining.

- Roast chicken.

- What happens to the five?

- They dwindle.

They dwindle

till there's just one left,

you know?

Just one.

Just one poor stupid

little thing.

You know,

it's just a stupid bird.

Just one.

lt's a true story.

- Another round

for my friend here, Mike.

- Chicken sh*t

Oh, you did make soup.

Bless your heart.

Oh.

Mm, oh.

Such a small act of kindness,

but l can't tell you

what that means to me.

- Well, it's no big deal.

lt's just soup.

- You are such a beautiful girl.

You are such a beautiful child.

- You're loaded.

- No, no, no, l

well, yes.

- Okay, l should go.

Since tonight

was a little longer

- You know what l am?

Let me tell you what l am,

just in case you're interested.

This is what l am.

- What?

- l am the only child

of an only child

and an only child.

And you know what that means.

- No cousins?

- lt means l am the end

of a bloodline,

the last of my kind.

- Okay, well,

then have some kids.

- [laughs]

Said the babysitter.

lf you only knew.

[groaning]

- Okay.

Look, it's gonna be 60 bucks.

Okay, you should go to bed.

- l don't blame her, the doctor.

You know, she's just

she's a human mechanic.

You know, she's got her hands

inside human beings every day.

They're just machines to her,

you know.

They're machines that break,

like rot factories.

So how can you create life

when you know it's gonna

end up in death?

l mean, l get that

l get it!

l don't blame her, but

- Hey, l'm sorry.

- Eh.

See, she doesn't realize

that human beings are warm.

You know, they need contact

They need, you know

you are such a beautiful girl.

You are such a beautiful child.

thud!

No, no!

thud!

[groaning]

[dishes crashing]

- Sh*t

- [groaning]

- l'm gonna go.

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