Paperback Page #2

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- I knew it! Oh

my god, I knew it.

I knew there was

something wrong with her.

- Yes, you were right.

Congratulations.

Stop celebrating.

- I knew it!

- Okay, they're

watching right now

so we have to pretend

that we're flirting.

- Flirting? You want

me to flirt with you?

- Uh yeah. Yeah, please.

- Wait, what? Why?

- Because before she came

up I was talking about her

and he thinks that

she is you, so...

- Oh, great.

- So light and flirty.

Pretend I just said

something funny.

(laughs awkwardly)

Are you serious? What

the hell was that?

- That was laughter.

- Whose laughter?

- I was doing what you told

me to do, I was laughing.

- Did you hear a joke

while getting a pap smear?

Because that's what

that laugh sounded like.

- Do you want me to

fake like you or not?

- Okay, interesting.

So true, I'll have to

check out that article.

- You don't read

articles, come on.

Just, okay...

Is this what serial

killers look like

when they flirt with each other?

- No, this is great.

You're doing great.

This is very convincing.

- Is it? Is it? Don't touch me!

Which one is her husband?

- You know that guy,

Jason, I was talking about?

- Your best friend Jason?

- Yeah.

- What's-- Have you not seen

a picture of her, or like...

- I guess I forgot to ask.

- Jesus, you really need to

stop being so self-involved,

or at the very

least join Facebook.

- Okay, I'll get on

that. I'll get on that.

What do I do in the

meantime though?

Because this is terrible.

- You've gotta fix this as

soon as possible. That's it.

- Oh yeah. Just think.

That is really distracting.

Can you just take it

easy with the winking?

You look like you're

having a seizure.

- I am seducing you.

- People wink once. They don't

wink like 10 times, that's--

- Can you just do this

so I can quit pretending

I find you charming?

- Okay.

- Okay, good.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- Oh my god, why

are they coming?

Do they hear us?

- Rob. I'd like you to meet

a professor in my department.

This is Mark.

- Hey, how's it going.

- I recognize you.

You work at Satchels.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Some good pizza. My

compliments to the chef.

Which would be you I guess.

- It's just temporary.

- Are you gonna

introduce us to...

- Well yeah, this is Samantha.

- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

- Um, sorry, I have to go home.

My son won't stop trying to

cut my babysitter's hair, so...

- Oh, good luck with that.

- Thank you.

Call me.

- Will do.

So, who are you

here with? Nobody?

- You were happy

when you found out

your book was going to be

released in hardcover, right?

- Yeah, I was glad they

thought I was selling copies.

- No, but besides the money.

Hardcovers, they're

durable, they last.

They come with this feeling of:

this thing that I created

that I put my everything into

might still be around

and mean something

in 10 years, or 100.

Paperbacks don't have

that, they're disposable,

you know, forgettable.

Doesn't mean they can't be

a good read or anything.

- Well I'm sorry that I

have to play the role of

the old lady party pooper,

but I'm exhausted sweetie.

Do you think we can head home?

- Yeah, let's all head home.

- Oh come on, it's only 10:30.

- Rob, why don't

you walk Emily home?

- What?

- No. No no no.

- I mean, if you're

both ready to go

it will give you a chance

to get to know each other.

I mean, you barely

talked all night.

- It's probably in

opposite directions.

- No no, we're on

the way for him.

It's really no inconvenience

at all, right Rob?

You can do that.

- I don't uh-- I don't want to.

- What? What's the matter

with you? Be a gentleman.

- I don't want to

be a gentleman.

- Walk my wife home!

- All right, fine!

- Thank you! Jesus!

- Thank you honey.

Thank you very much.

- Are you trying to come up with

some of your clever small talk?

- No, okay, I only go

through the trouble

of being clever with girls

I'm trying to sleep with.

Please don't respond to that.

- Hey, I'm surprised too.

- Oh, good. I feel better.

- Look, I am aware

that this is terrible.

- Well one of us has known

that you were married

the whole time.

By the way, where's

your wedding ring?

- I don't like rings.

- Why, because they

remind you of sacred vows?

- Hey, I haven't been

very happy lately

and I engaged in some

harmless flirting,

or at least I told myself

that that's what it was.

- How could you not be happy

with Jason? He's the best.

I mean, he's Jason.

- You're not married

to him, okay.

Things are just complicated

with us right now.

- So what, you just

go cheat on him

with the first hot guy you meet?

- Oh, okay. I think cheating

is a pretty hefty

accusation there.

- Well what would have happened

if I didn't see you tonight?

- I don't know, okay.

Honestly I have no idea.

Really it's-- It's been

freaking me out. But...

I'm being truthful with you.

I felt something,

when we met, something that I

haven't felt in a long time,

something real.

I mean didn't you?

- Maybe.

- I don't know, I saw

you and I liked you.

I liked that you were sweating

and you didn't know

what you were doing,

and you have no direction.

- Okay, stop telling me

what you like about me.

- I just...

I know that you

and I are the same.

You and I aren't like

Jason and that professor.

You're not gonna sit around

and talk about how

amazing our book is.

I mean you and I aren't gonna

do anything with our lives.

- Do you really think that?

- Yeah, don't you?

- No, of course not.

- Oh, well I--

You said that whole

thing on the phone

and I thought that you

were being serious about--

- I thought that we

were being quippy.

- Oh.

- Whatever. Look,

you can't think that.

Everybody can do something great

with their lives if they try.

- Okay, then why aren't you?

- Man, when we were on the phone

I thought you were kidding.

- Look, I know things got weird.

You were right. I was wrong.

I don't know what

I was thinking.

- Good. Good.

- So...

You're not obsessed

with me then?

- That's funny.

That's very funny.

This is an awesome night.

- All right, well thank you

so much for walking me home.

I appreciate it, and I...

I owe you one.

(door closing)

(sighs)

- Okay, but you're done, right?

You're not gonna do it anymore?

- No, of course not.

He's my best friend.

- Okay, I'm making sure

because this is actually

the worst thing that you

have the capacity to do.

- I can do a lot of terrible

things if I wanted to.

- No you couldn't.

- Of course I could.

Are you serious?

- Like what?

- I could kill a guy, if

he pissed me off enough.

- You are such a p*ssy.

You could not kill a man.

You'd be like crying,

"I'm so sorry.

"I scraped you. I

didn't mean to."

- I will rob this

place right now.

- You will rob this place?

- Yeah.

- First of all, you

can't afford a gun.

Second of all, it would be

the only robbery in history

where the person with the gun

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