Paperback Page #3

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is the one pissing himself.

- Give me your wallet.

Give me your wallet.

- Get off me.

- I'm gonna think of something.

- I'm sure you will.

F***ing idiot.

(rock music)

(phone chirping)

- Hello?

- Hey man, what's going on?

- Um, nothing. Just reading.

- Oh? What?

- Uh, the Bible.

- All right.

So what are you doing tonight?

I'm still trying to

sell Emily on this place

so I wanted to take her out.

- Uh, I don't know.

I'm pretty busy.

- Busy? Doing what?

- Uh, I'm uh...

Filing...

- So not busy at all.

Cool. Your place at 8:00?

- Sure.

- Okay, great. See you then.

(knocking)

(footsteps)

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, what up?

We were just pregaming a little.

- Pregaming?

- Yeah, we live in a college

town. Learn to use the lingo.

Want a drink?

- No, that's okay.

I've been pregaming for

the past seven years.

- Okay, well let's just go then.

(door closes)

- Okay.

- Oh, she loves

this shitty band.

Rob loves this band too.

You ready to dance, little man?

- I think I hurt

my leg, actually.

- Since we got to the bar?

- Yeah.

- Would you stop being

yourself for a little?

I'm trying to show her

this town doesn't suck.

- Okay, sorry.

- Whatever she

wants to do tonight

let's just go with, all right?

(pop music)

- Wanna dance?

- What do I look like I'm doing.

- Okay, great.

- Want another

round? It's on me.

- That'd be nice.

- Cool.

- I'm really sorry.

- Yep, I got you. It's cool.

- Man, I was killing it tonight!

Ahh!

So, who's a better

dancer, me or Rob?

- I think you both lose.

- This has been a

lot of fun, guys.

Well, good night.

- Good night.

(clicking)

- Ah, got it.

In you go my sweet.

Thanks again. I think

she really had fun.

Let's do it more often.

- Cool.

(door closing)

(rock music)

- You're kneading that dough

like somebody who just realized

they're gonna spend the rest

of their life making pizza.

What's up with you?

- Nothing. Life rocks.

- Oh no. You still

like her, don't you?

- Yes, okay! It's

worse now actually.

Like I was right about her.

We would be perfect together.

- Except for the fact

that she's married to

your best friend, right?

- This blows.

I'm depressed, can't sleep.

- All right, just

stick it out man.

Take it from somebody with

experience. Not worth it.

- [Receptionist]

Paragon publishing.

- Hi, my name is Rob Donling.

I was wondering if you'd

gotten a manuscript

I'd mailed to you.

- [Receptionist] Was it sent

through a literary agency?

- Um, I don't think so. I

mailed it from my house.

- [Receptionist] Sir, like

every other publishing house

we do not take

unsolicited material.

You'll need to find an agency

to submit on your behalf.

- Oh, um, okay.

Can you mail it back to me?

Kinko's is really expensive.

- [Receptionist] I'm sorry,

but the company has a policy

to dispose of all

unsolicited materials.

- What does that mean?

- [Receptionist] We probably

threw it in the trash.

Is there anything

else I can do for you?

Are you still there?

- Yeah, I'm still here.

- You're gonna love this, Em.

We used to go tubing all the

time in the summer. Right man?

- Yep.

- Hey how's everything

going with that girl?

You still seeing her?

- I don't know, things have

been kind of weird lately.

- Sorry. I heard women

with kids could be tough.

Don't worry.

Whatever's meant to happen will.

(rock music)

They don't have this

in Queens, do they?

- What?

- I said, they don't

have-- Nevermind.

Hey man, can I tell you

something really quick?

- Yeah, what's up.

- I just, I gotta

get it off my chest.

I don't know if it's

working out with her.

- What do you mean?

- I know we seem like we're good

but we got married too young.

Do you know the divorce rate

for couples our age is like 80%?

We don't feel like one of

those great couples anymore.

You know, like all of a sudden

we're eating dinner with

nothing to talk about.

- So you really want to end it?

- I don't know.

I've just been thinking

about it for a while.

- [Emily] What'd you say?

- I said, "They don't

have this in Queens, huh?"

- Oh no.

(birds singing)

- Hey guys, I gotta go to

the bathroom real quick.

So let me do that,

I'll grab the car,

and I'll come get

you guys. Cool?

- Yep.

- Thanks.

- He was right,

this is so pretty.

- Yeah.

- Hey so, um, I know

it's been really awkward

with the whole thing

with you and I,

and I'll be honest, I've

enjoyed hanging out with you

but I get if it's kind of

too hard on you we can--

I can put a stop to it.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Maybe that's for the best.

- Yeah, that's probably

the smart thing to do.

Oh sh*t.

(pop music)

- This is the worst

thing I have ever heard.

- Why do you gotta say that?

- I'm not trying to

make you feel bad.

No wait, I actually am

trying to make you feel bad.

- I know it doesn't sound

great, but I've thought it over.

I think I'm okay here.

- How? Are you so

bad at having sex

that you make women wanna be

faithful to their husbands?

- Well for one their

marriage is rocky.

Jason said he was seriously

thinking about divorce.

- So?

- So I'm just

getting a jump on it

like when you preorder

those Morrissey tickets.

- Okay, I know you

might not understand

what I'm about to say

'cause you're an idiot

but when you friend

is going through

something terrible like

considering divorce,

the normal thing to do

is to try and help them.

It's not some liquidation

sale of their life.

- Well, that's why I'm

checking out other girls too.

I mean maybe he's just looking

for that one little push.

You know, I could

give that gift to him.

- Oh wow, he is so lucky

to have you as a friend.

That's really generous of you.

- Oh, so Kareem can

give a guy an alley-oop,

he gets put in the hall of fame.

Me I try to help out my best

friend and I'm a homewrecker?

That's what you're saying?

- Oh good, I'm glad

that you actually know

there's a term for

what you're doing here.

- I should have known

you wouldn't get it.

- What does that mean?

- Because of your kid.

You're like happy. I

don't have anything.

I'm almost 30 and all I've done

is just make a

shitload of pizza.

I've never even really been

in love. Did you know that?

- Just give it time,

it will happen.

- When, is it waiting

for me to get balder?

- Maybe you're just

in some kind of

post-college malaise

or something.

- Okay, I've been out of

college for seven years.

I think by now we can safely

call the malaise my life.

Let's not kid ourselves.

But with her, I

don't know, I just...

I feel like with her I can

finally do something great.

- Rob, hardly nobody

ever gets to do

anything great with their lives.

You're just lucky that

all the diseases you have

up until now have

been curable ones.

(phone chimes)

- Who's that from?

Are you kidding me?

He's your best friend, dude.

- I can do this

without hurting him.

- Really? How?

- The way things are going,

they'll get a divorce,

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