Paperback Page #4

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Emily and I can fly under

the radar for a little while,

like a year or two, and then

when Jason gets remarried

all of a sudden it's like,

"What, Rob and Emily

are together? Whatevs."

- Oh, good. At least you're

being smart about this.

- Hey.

- Hi.

You look nice.

- Thanks.

Nice pigtails.

- Oh really, you like it?

- How do you know?

(chuckles)

Come in, come in.

You'll catch a cold.

(footsteps)

(door closing)

(kissing, moaning)

Where's Jason?

- He's at work. Do you have

any roommates or anything?

- No I really don't.

- Whatever you

gotta tell yourself.

Condom?

- Wow, we're just

diving in, huh?

- Do you wanna wait?

- No, no. Are you

allergic to latex?

- No. That was very

kind of you to ask.

- I'm being polite.

(sighs)

That was...

That was okay, what

we just did, right?

- This is probably the worst

time you can bring that up.

- I thought about

it 10 minutes ago

but I thought it

would kill the mood.

- That's romantic.

What time is it?

Oh, I probably should go.

- Already?

- Yeah.

Jason will be back soon.

He probably thinks

that I'm home alone

with a razor blade to

my wrists, as usual.

- Okay, all right.

(camera snapping)

- Now I can hang

out for a while.

- Oh, step aside

pictures of my nephew.

(laughter)

We have a new champion.

- Babies are weird anyway.

- Yeah, who needs 'em.

- What are these,

like self published?

- Yeah.

- Do a lot of people buy 'em?

- Not really.

(phone chirping)

- Hello?

- [Jason] Hey, what are

you up to right now?

Want to get lunch?

- Why?

- [Jason] Why? What the

hell's the matter with you?

- Sorry, uh, yeah.

- I'm near Flackos,

head on over.

- Okay.

- Thanks man. I just had

to get away for a second.

The school has been crazy.

A lot of late nights.

- Oh, that sucks.

- Anyway, I wanted to talk

to you too, about Emily.

- Oh yeah?

- I just, I've been

thinking about it a lot,

and I can't leave her.

- What?

- I mean I know things

are hard right now

but maybe we're still

just struggling to adjust

to this new life, you know?

- Uh, maybe.

- You like her, right?

- What's that?

- You like her, don't you?

- Uh-huh.

- I just can't

give up on her yet.

- Okay, um...

- Wait a minute.

I know that look.

- What?

- You thought you

could keep it from me.

- What?

- You just got laid, didn't you?

- What? No, no!

- Yes, now it's obvious

that yes you did get laid.

- I don't know what

you're talking about.

- You know what

I'm talking about.

I know when you got laid, okay.

Come on, give me some details.

- I'm a gentleman!

- You stop. You listen to me.

My marriage is struggling

and I just spent all day

teaching a bunch of

18-year-old idiots

how to format a

works cited page.

So you're gonna give

me some details.

Come on, help me remember what

it's supposed to feel like.

- Okay, okay, Jesus.

It was fine.

- Fine?

- Yeah, yeah.

- That's great. I can totally

jerk off to that later.

Can you give me some specifics?!

- Come on, we're in public.

What's wrong with you?

- Bet it was that

Samantha girl, right?

- Yeah, yeah, it was Samantha.

- What positions

did you do it in?

- Positions?

- Yeah, I wanna

know every position.

- Uh, regular.

- Regular?

- Missionary, I don't know.

- Yeah I know it.

- That's it.

- That's it? All you

did was missionary?

What are we 17 and virgins

and don't know what

the hell we're doing?

You did missionary?

What did you, sleep in

separate twin beds afterwards?

- You know what, you're

right, it's boring.

Let's just move on.

- No, we're not moving on.

You haven't told me anything.

Was it good? What does

she look like naked?

- She's a lady, god!

- Would you please tell me

what she looks like naked.

- Amazing, okay.

She looked amazing.

- Nice.

Pubes, no pubes?

- Why is that at

the top of the list?

- Would you just answer.

- Uh, no pubes I guess.

- Emily shaves too.

I'm into pubes though.

- Can we stop saying

pubes, please?

- Okay, sorry.

It seems like you really

like this girl, huh?

- Yeah.

- Well, good luck, man. I

hope it works out for you.

- Thanks.

- Two numbers twos.

- Huh, that's us.

- You know what,

let me get this one.

- What? No, put your money away.

- No no no, you've been

getting drinks and everything.

Seriously, like,

this one's on me.

- Okay, wow. Never

thought this would happen.

I'll get the food.

(exhales)

- So was I right?

Are you an idiot?

- Yes.

- Yes you are.

- Are you gonna do it now,

knowing what you know?

- Of course not. What

kind of person would I be?

- Um, I have to-- I have

to tell you something.

- What?

(stammering)

Oh, okay.

- This is...

This is hard to say.

- I know.

I love you too.

- No!

- I know it's not the

perfect situation,

but we're in love.

- You know what, don't

tell me anything anymore.

I'm too much of an

accomplice already.

- No, this is not a bad thing.

This is a good thing, okay?

I can finally have the

life I've always wanted.

- Oh yeah? And what

kind of terrible things

does that consist of?

- Well, I just

finished my novel,

I can find a publisher.

I found this amazing

girl who loves me.

It's finally happening.

- I think you're forgetting

one small thing here.

- I know.

- What are you gonna do,

try and ruin their marriage

since you're such a romantic?

Billy!

- No, I can't do that to Jason.

He's already on the losing side.

- That's really sweet.

Did you light this on fire?

- Yes.

- That's not good.

Go, go to your room!

Go faster! Not a toy!

What?

- Look, Jason's not happy.

There's gotta be some

way I can do this

that can help him too.

- [Samantha] You should get

him fired. That could help.

- I think I just found one.

- What?

- Serena!

(bike squeaking)

- Hey Rob.

- Did you hear? Jason is back.

- Really?

- Yeah.

(door opening)

- Oh, you caught me.

This is embarrassing.

- What's all this?

- Well, some total

babe told me once

that her favorite

memories of New York

were watching TV and eating

Chinese food with her husband

so I figured she can do

that anywhere, right?

- Yeah, I'm running late.

I'll be there soon. Okay.

- Oh my god, Serena!

(chatting)

Well it was nice

bumping into you.

I guess I'll see

you around town.

- Yeah, hopefully.

- All right.

- Bye.

- See ya.

Oh, there he is.

- Hey, sorry.

- Guess who I just ran into?

- Who?

- Serena!

- Oh, that must

have been something.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Did you guys, you know,

still have that spark?

- I think me moving to New

York and marrying another woman

ended things between us.

- Oh.

- She was pretty

aggressive though.

I mean she's clearly

hitting on me.

I'm holding flowers for my

wife. What are you doing?

- Yeah, that's

really weird of her.

Just to be clear though,

you don't still have like

feelings for her or anything?

Like, you know, maybe she

was the one that got away,

or your one true love,

or one of those things?

- What? No, I'm married.

- Just checking.

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