Paperback Page #5

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- Yeah, thanks for checking.

So what are you

doing tomorrow night?

Are you seeing Samantha?

- That's what I usually do.

- Well why don't

we all hang out.

- Huh?

- If you two are

getting serious,

I should get to know

this girl, right?

Otherwise, what kind

of friend would I be?

- No way.

- Please.

You can get whatever

you want. I'll pay.

All you have to do is

pretend to like me.

- How much?

- I don't care. Get

whatever you want.

- No, I mean how much do I

have to pretend to like you.

- Come on!

Like you'll probably break

up with me in a few weeks.

- That sounds

pretty affectionate.

- Okay, look, I've thought

about it and you're right.

I can't keep doing this.

- Oh, you're gonna

stop seeing her?

- (scoffs) No.

I mean I'm gonna figure it

out how to make it work.

- So uh, just to

clarify, by make it work

do you mean try to find

some way to make Jason happy

while you're still openly

having sex with his wife?

- I'm close to cracking

it, I can tell.

- Mm, you look like it.

- I just need a

little more time.

You know, please?

- What are you doing

with your mouth?

- Forming it into a smile.

- Never do that again.

- Okay.

But still...

- I am the only one in this

scenario not getting laid.

- It's gonna-- It won't

be bad. It could be fun.

It won't be fun,

but it won't be bad.

- Billy, hit the wire, come on.

- Finally, I'm excited

to read it, man.

It's about time you

finished this thing.

- Well I guess I

just needed a muse.

- Mhmm.

Okay, well, this guy.

What a great guy, this one.

- Speaking of muse, Samantha,

just to prepare you, this

is gonna be super awkward,

but I gotta say, Rob

is not really known

for overflowing with

joy or anything,

but since I-- or

we have moved here

and he's been seeing you, it

seems like you make him happy,

like happier than I thought

was in his range of motions.

No, I mean, you could pretty

much go from kinda bummed

to suicidal, so the fact

that you're smiling is like,

it's kinda creeping

me out actually.

So I would like to propose

a toast to my best friend

and the girl who's made

him creepily happy.

(glasses clinking)

Doesn't this remind you of

that place in Crown Heights?

- Oh, yeah.

- We went to get

Caribbean food in Brooklyn

and the guy tried to get us to

rent the apartment upstairs.

What did he say, like,

"We will just need to use

your closet for storage,"

and we were like, "Oh

yeah, sign us up."

We had quite a journey

up there, huh? Didn't we?

- Yeah.

Well, on that note,

I have to pee.

- [Jason] I have

that effect on women.

- So you two seem like

you're doing great.

- Actually, without

going into it too much,

Rob already knows, we were

having some trouble adjusting

but things have

been better lately.

She seems happier, and I dunno,

maybe we're in a

good place again.

- That's really great.

- Yeah, that's really great.

(speaking French)

- (whispering)

You're on my hair.

Ow!

- I just want to say,

before I go into anything,

that I liked it.

- Dude, you don't

have to go easy on me.

You can just be

honest, I trust you.

- Okay.

Well if I'm being

perfectly objective

I have to say it's

only pretty good,

and unfortunately no one cares

about pretty good these days.

I mean, there are

already so many people

who are great at

this exact thing.

- Man, you really

didn't go easy on me.

- You told me not to!

- I meant, you know,

like don't gush too hard.

- I'm sorry!

I'm just telling you

what you'd hear from him.

- Well maybe I can

keep working on it.

- Yeah, you could--

- Do you have any,

like, notes or anything?

- Notes?

- Yeah.

- Um, okay.

Well your protagonist

is really unlikeable.

- It's an extension of me!

- Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

And, okay...

The beginning is just too long,

and you're really heavy-handed

with your themes too.

- Jesus.

- And that metacommentary

you make on the story,

it just sticks out

like a sore thumb.

Also your characters

speak in cliches.

- Wow.

Well I'm sorry it's not up to

your standards Mr. Hemingway.

- Look, it just seems like

you're trying too hard, okay?

Don't get me wrong,

it's very competent.

- That's not helping!

- Will you stop?

All I'm saying is you

can't try to be great.

That stuff has to be effortless,

like you're doing

nothing, you know?

- So what, you

won't pass it along,

is that what you're saying?

- It's complicated. He hasn't

been my agent for that long.

- Well thanks for

being honest, I guess.

- Rob, would you calm down?

- Oh, and by the way,

I know you've been

hanging out with Mark.

- What do you mean?

- Late nights at school? What

do you think, I'm an idiot?

- I don't know what

you're talking about.

- Oh, very convincing

Jason, bravo.

Hey, somebody give

this guy a Tony.

- Look, he's just

a nice guy, okay.

We watch hockey together.

- Hockey? You don't like hockey.

What do you, fake it with him?

- Fake it with him? What the

hell are you talking about?

You're acting like I'm

cheating on you or something.

- What?

- You're acting like

I'm cheating on you

because I hang out with Mark.

- You know, it's

cool. Nevermind.

I gotta go, so...

- Rob, just hang on a

second, man. The manuscript.

- No no no, you can keep it.

- Hey. Mwah!

Just a sec, I gotta

go take things

out of the dryer really quick.

So uh, that double date

thing wasn't awkward at all.

We should do that every night.

We should go on trips

together, and wife swap maybe.

(laughs)

Did you hear what I said?

- You didn't hear me laughing?

- Oh, shut up.

Mwah!

So, it's not weird

to be here, right?

- No, it's great.

- Well you'll be happy to know

that my pubes are

coming in very nicely.

- Oh, I-- You don't

have to do that anymore.

- You don't want that anymore?

- I don't know what

I was thinking.

- Okay. Well good, actually,

because it's itching

and it's really

driving me crazy.

Well we have just over an hour.

We're gonna stay

on the safe side.

- We should get like

a picture of us,

you know, something nice.

Don't you think?

- Why?

- Why? So we can look

at it. What do you mean?

- Rob, what is

going on with you?

- I think that we should start

talking about our future.

- What about our future?

- What do you mean? I love you,

and you and Jason aren't happy.

I mean, how much longer are

we gonna keep doing this?

- Babe come on, I don't really--

I don't wanna talk about Jason.

- Well I do. I'm

tired of feeling

like we have to hide

behind closed doors.

- But that's exactly

what we have to do.

- Man.

This affair is starting

to feel pretty cheap.

- Okay, well...

What would make you happy then?

- Well, I can at least

take you out on a date.

- In public?

- No, we'll build a fort.

Of course in public.

- Rob, I mean, that's kind of--

- Look, if we want

to be a real couple

we have to at least

try to resemble one.

I'm starting to just

feel like a huge skank.

Sorry, I know I'm late.

I totally forgot I was covering.

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