Paperback Page #6

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Have you needed me?

- Actually it's

been pretty dead.

Probably could have

just stayed home.

- I'm home!

- What?

- I hope you don't

have plans tonight

because I got us these.

- Babe.

- Mhmm.

- That is so sweet.

- Will you go on a date with me?

- Um, I guess.

- She said yes!

(phone chimes)

(phone chirps)

- Hey man, what's up?

- Hey, uh...

I just wanted to say

I'm sorry about that

thing the other day.

- No, dude, it's cool.

Honestly. I'm sorry too.

- Anyway.

What are you up to tonight?

Wanna play Nintendo?

- Actually, Emily

and I have a date.

- You do?

- Yeah.

- If you're seeing

him it's okay.

- I'm not seeing him.

We're gonna go have dinner

and go see this talk by

this astronomer she loves.

- An astronomer she loves?

- I know, it sounds

like an oxymoron.

- I'll hit you up

tomorrow or something.

- Okay, seeya.

- Was that Mark?

- No, it was Rob. Just seeing

what I was up to tonight.

(phone ringing)

- Whose poop is this?!

- It's just the dog's.

- Do you know you

live in this house,

that you're doing this stuff to?

- [Samantha] Hi, this is

Samantha. I'm not here right--

Don't put that in

your mouth! No!

(rock music)

(crickets chirping)

- Hrm.

(sighs)

- Robert.

- Oh, Dr. Babanikos. Hey.

- I saw that Jason is back.

- Oh, yeah.

- His novel is wonderful.

I assigned it to my

students; They love it.

It even helped one

of them quit heroine.

- Yeah, that's great.

- So do you still work

at the pizza place?

- Yeah, um, but I'm actually

working on a book too.

- Oh, well, keep at

it, you never know.

Oh, but don't forget

to check those commas.

- Right. I remember

you saying that.

(typing)

(rock music)

I think I'm gonna end

things with Emily.

- Really?

- You're right.

Jason's my best friend,

and it's not like it

could ever go anywhere,

so what's the point.

- I mean, that's good,

man. That's really good.

When do you think

you're gonna do it?

- I'm gonna run over after work.

- Okay.

Well I mean, you're gonna

have more time to write.

- Actually I think I'm gonna

take a break from that too.

- Oh. Okay.

(phone chirping)

- Hey man.

- [Jason] I think Emily

is cheating on me.

- What?

- [Jason] When can

you come by the house?

- Um...

Like an hour, I guess?

- [Jason] I'll be here.

- Who was that?

- Jason.

- Oh my god. Did he just...

What did he say?

- He wants me to come over.

- Be careful, man.

- What do you mean,

be careful. Why?

- Because this could get bad!

- What do you mean?!

- What-- What don't

you understand?

- Bad?

- I mean this is a tough--

Dude, this is like,

some intense stuff, man.

- What do you mean? What

do you mean intense stuff?

Like he'll be mad,

that sort of thing?

He'll just be upset

and that will be the end

of the intense stuff?

- No no no. This is like

some dangerous sh*t.

Just take care of

yourself, okay?

- Physically?

- Yeah.

- Like stay in good health?

- No, oh my god.

- Jog?

- No! Just be careful, dude.

(rhythmic percussive music)

(knocking)

- Finally!

What took you so long? I'm

losing my mind waiting for you.

I found a condom wrapper

and it isn't mine.

- What do you think it means?

- What else can it mean?

She's gotta be having an affair.

- No. Emily?

- I just want to

find this a**hole

and just punch his dick off!

- Hold on, maybe

there's an explanation.

- What explanation

could there be?

- I haven't used a

condom in two years,

and when I did, it sure

as sh*t wasn't sheepskin.

- Wait, sheepskin?

- Yeah. Gross, right?

I bet it was that bald guy.

- What bald guy?

- Some bald a**hole.

I saw them talking in

the back of the party

and she acted all

weird about it.

It's gotta be him.

- Oh my god.

- You're surprised too, right?

- Yeah.

- Well I guess that

explains the crabs.

- What?

- Yeah, I found out a few

days ago I have crabs.

Must have gotten them from

him and given them to me.

Bald son of a b*tch.

And here I was

thinking it was great

that she grew out her pubes.

- That is um-- That sucks,

man. That's terrible.

I'm sorry you have

to go through--

Could you excuse me

for just one second?

I have to just go

to the bathroom.

(discordant music)

- I want to be an

astronaut and visit Jupiter

because it's the biggest

planet in the solar system.

Thank you.

(applause)

- Very nice Tracy,

and you were right

about Jupiter. Good job.

- Rob.

- Can I talk to

you for a second?

- Absolutely. Excuse me.

- What do you do?

- Are you an astronaut?

- No, I make pizza. Cool, huh?

- For fun?

- No.

- Did you want to be a

pizza man when you grew up?

- No.

- Who would want to be a

pizza man when they grow up.

- Shake it off, Rob.

All right everybody, five

minutes of quiet time.

Please put your heads down.

Except for you, Kevin.

- What are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?

- Yeah, what are you doing here?

- You have something

you want to say to me?

- Yeah. Don't come

visit me at school.

- How about that you're

sleeping with someone else.

- What do you mean?

- Jason found a

sheepskin condom wrapper.

Sheepskin. I didn't know

they still made those.

- Jason found that?

- Yeah. So did I.

- Was he upset? What did he--

Okay, all right. People

find condoms in the yard.

I found it in the yard.

I'll tell him I found it

in the yard. It's fine.

- I don't care

what you tell him.

I'm not your confidant in

this. This affects me too.

Who is this bald a**hole?

- Bald? What?

No, no, no. It was--

It was the astronomer that

Jason took me to go see.

- Dear god.

Where's he staying?

I want to have a

word with this...

I don't know,

astronomer, I guess.

- He already left for France.

You're not gonna have

a fight with him.

- How could you do this?

- I don't know. I knew

it was a bad idea.

It just happened once.

I don't know why I did it.

I knew as soon as I was doing it

that I was making a mistake.

- What tipped you

off, pubic lice?

- Wait, is that what

that itching is?

- Yeah. Tell him

thanks for me too.

- Wait, Rob. No no no

no. That's not possible.

I was with him yesterday.

You gave me crabs.

- What?

- There's no other

explanation for it.

God, I must have given

them to Jason then.

Why would you ask me to

grow back in my pubic hair

when you have crabs?

- Well, let's not get distracted

from the real issue here.

- How can we not get distracted?

- That's not as big of

a thing! This is bigger!

Crabs happen.

I can't believe you

would cheat on me.

- What? I thought you

were the mistress.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I've gotta go.

I'm gonna go back in there

and pretend I'm not

a teacher with crabs.

All right guys, heads back up.

(door closes)

- Mistress? Is there not

a male equivalent to that?

- That's not really the point.

- Mister maybe?

- Well then that's the

first time since high school

I've been called mister.

- Well you are the...

- She was right.

Some people just can't

do anything special

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