Party Bus to Hell Page #2

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Stretch my legs.

She told us not

to leave the bus.

Drivers do not tell the

paying customer what to do.

Other way around, buddy.

Learn it, live it, love it.

Keep the groove

so we can dance

Keep the groove

so we can dance

Keep the groove

so we can dance

Krystal, if you're giving dance

seminars at Burning Man, sign me up.

- What are you offering?

- Free massages.

And for you as well.

Come on, let's party.

Oh, I love communing

with nature.

[man] Looks like it's

going to be a nice night.

- Once we ever get there.

- Well, you know what they say.

It's not about the destination but

enjoying the journey that matters.

And who are "they," exactly?

Oh, they? They are those who

know and say things of wisdom.

Well, I don't know them,

and I don't know you, either.

Oh, sorry, Stuart Parker, veterinarian.

Pleasure to meet you.

Oh, Alan Armstrong,

rich-as-f*** entrepreneur

and wild game hunter

on the side, but,

I'll happily kill

any type of animal.

I'm not picky.

I see.

- That wasn't very nice.

- I didn't come here to be nice.

I came here to f***, do drugs,

get f***ed up,

and then f*** some more.

In that order. You?

I don't know,

maybe meet a girl?

Settle down, have some kids.

I'm kidding.

Everything you said times two.

That's my boy.

Make an a**hole out of you yet.

Does anyone else get any

cell phone service out here?

No, we must be in a dead zone.

Get used to it.

Hey, yo, man.

Anybody seen our bus driver?

She's not back here

or anywhere.

Typical. We should have

taken my dad's chopper.

Have to skydive in.

People have.

Peter, you did not tell me

that was an option.

Yo, don't MOOP.

- Excuse me?

- MOOP. Mess Out of Place.

At Burning Man we leave

nothing behind, it's a rule.

[Alan]

Rules are made to be broken.

Oh, my God!

What the hell are you

yelling about now?

- Peter. Peter?

- Yeah?

Look over there.

It looks like

we hit something.

No, we didn't.

We weren't driving.

- [rattling]

- What are you doing?

Warren, I really have to pee.

Ugh, you don't need my help, okay,

so just pick a spot and squat.

I think you need a key

to get in there.

If we had a gun,

we could shoot it out.

Yeah, only problem is my gun

is inside my luggage,

which is inside

this compartment!

Whoa, a gun?

You brought a gun

to Burning Man?

I don't think they allow

guns at the festival.

Well, better safe

than stupid.

Ugh, I'm so darn pissed. Ugh, if

Warren pisses me off one more time.

Ugh, God.

Hey, guys,

this one's unlocked.

It's stuck.

Oh, what the f***?

Yo, that is not

our bus driver.

[Alan]

Actually, I think it is.

Then who the hell's been

driving us this whole time?

- Good f***ing question.

- Ugh.

[sighs] Sure, just pee

whenever you want.

Oh, God, I don't want

to be here.

Sure,

this is so embarrassing.

Okay, I can do this.

- [growls]

- [screams]

- [screaming]

- [Peter] Everyone!

Back to the bus, now!

[all screaming]

Go!

Oh, hell nah.

You don't know who you fu...

[screaming in distance]

Run little piggies. Run!

Help me!

Do you know how

to drive this thing?

- Not without the keys.

- She must have

taken them with her.

[groaning]

- I wanna go home!

- Get us out of here!

Know how

to hot-wire a bus, doll?

Let's go,

let's go, let's go.

Chill out, man, we're out.

Yeah, bathroom's all yours,

quit rocking the boat.

This is a bus,

and we're not doing it.

[screams]

This can't be happening. I didn't

even want to come on this trip.

It was a pinky dare

by my friends.

They said

I wasn't outgoing enough.

"Oh, Stuart,

you need to live life.

You need to get out more,

be more social." Bullshit!

State-of-the-art transport,

motherfuckers!

Bulletproof glass,

reinforced steel frame,

we're practically

in a f***ing tank.

[mimicking bird call]

[screams]

- Who are they?

- [Peter] I don't know.

Desert dwelling nomads.

They came out of nowhere.

It's like they were

waiting for us.

[Alan]

Best guess, they were.

Seriously? You didn't hear anything

that was going on outside?

We were... preoccupied.

[beeping]

- My phone isn't working.

- [woman] Nobody's is.

Okay, bad news.

Our driver took off with the

keys, so we're stuck here.

Good news, I don't think

they can get in.

I researched this company

before I booked this trip.

This is a very sturdy bus, the windows

are shatterproof, steel frame.

This vehicle was meant

to withstand

the worst

impact scenarios.

Does that include

desert dweller rejects

who've watched the Mad Max

series one too many times?

- Yeah, who the hell are they?

- They?

Well, they are the ones who are

out there and trying to kill us.

Well, where is the bus driver?

I mean, if she's out there

dead somewhere,

maybe she still

has the keys on her?

And one of us could go...

Oh, the bus driver

is out there all right.

But I don't think

she's dead.

That's a good thing, no?

No.

Because I don't think

she's on our side, either.

We found the real bus driver

in the luggage compartment

in the back.

- She's dead.

- Dead?

Yeah, it's a side effect

of being murdered.

That's... that's just great.

Just fan-f***ing-tastic.

What are we going to do now?

Say "game over"

and I will f***ing hit you.

- This entire trip was a setup.

- But why? For what reason?

Just to get us out here in the

middle of nowhere and kill us all?

[explosion]

Behold, the god of destruction

and praise his glory.

Praise his glory!

[all]

Behold, my lord and savior!

Behold, my lord and savior!

Behold, my lord and savior!

If this is Burning Man,

it has changed drastically.

That's not

an effigy of a man.

I call upon the high priestess

of the night to commence.

- What the f***?

- What the f*** is right.

Get off me!

What are you doing? No!

Help me!

What are you, f***ing crazy?

No, ahh!

That's what's her name,

Ginger something.

Get it off me!

- What are they doing to her?

- [Ginger screams]

Nothing good.

Help me!

What are you doing? No!

Help!

The blood really brings out

her nipples.

No.

No!

Help me!

- [growling]

- [Priestess] Oh, great one,

give us the pleasure

of your presence.

As we call upon you tonight.

[screaming]

Look!

[explosion]

[screaming]

We've got to do something!

With no weapons and no idea how

many of them are out there,

our rescue options

are extremely limited.

[Priestess]

Accept our blood snake.

Purified and then holy bows

of the sinners.

[gagging]

It is glorious.

And it's also f***ing hot.

[gags]

[snake hisses]

This is some f***ed-up sh*t.

They're gonna kill us all.

No, they're not. We just

have to think of a plan.

- That's a good idea.

- No, that's a statement.

- What we need is a good idea.

- [screaming]

[panting]

[man]

Looks like she's ready to pop.

I think she needs a C-section.

Do the honors, my dear.

- [bangs]

- They're on the bus!

Thank you, Ms. Obvious.

[music playing]

[laughing]

- [bang]

- [Lara] They're gonna get in!

No, they're not.

Not without a blowtorch.

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