Party Bus to Hell Page #3

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Well, maybe they have

a blowtorch, smart guy.

[body splattering]

- Can you hear me now?

- We need to get to my luggage.

- Help me find the panel.

- What are you doing?

These buses have trap doors

like in airplanes.

We should be able to get to our

bags through the floorboards.

- Aha!

- Does it need a key?

Nah, we can jimmy it.

[splat]

[chanting]

[chanting continues]

- [loud thump]

- Leave us alone!

Yeah, I'm sure

that's gonna work.

F*** you, Warren.

- I mean, f*** you!

- Yeah?

[all]

Whoo!

[cackling]

You just wanted to join

the orgy in the sex dome.

- Yeah, what's wrong with that?

- Hey.

Will somebody bring me a bottle

opener from the minibar?

I'll check the bathroom, if there's

something useful in there.

[hooting]

Found it.

This isn't real. I'm just

having a bad trip, right?

We all are.

Oh, yeah!

It is an honor.

I am on fire!

Burning, burning.

Burn, burn, burn.

All hail the master!

We entered hell.

[squeaking]

- I got it!

- [Stuart screaming]

[yelling]

Hold him.

Oh, my God.

[woman]

I don't know how.

What happened?

What happened?

- They got Stuart.

- [woman] He's dead!

Heads up.

Ah.

[giggles]

You like that?

I bet you do.

Wonderful.

He's in a better place.

[Alan]

The hills have eyes.

And ears, nose,

and throats.

[sobs]

No, no, no.

No time to mourn.

Let's get this luggage.

Go through them.

See if there's anything useful.

But these aren't our bags.

I don't think their dead

owners are going to mind.

[sighs]

Yeah! Whoo!

This is gonna be useful.

Anybody need to take a sh*t?

[groans]

Hey, that's mine.

It's heavy.

What you got in here?

Just Burning Man gifts.

Nothing that can help us.

Just leave it.

- [luggage unzips]

- Hey, I said leave it alone.

[groans]

I came prepared for a week

at the festival, all right?

Not some blood and sex

freak horror show.

Do you have any whips

and chains in there?

We actually might

be able to use those.

Sorry. I'm not into S&M.

See? I'm not the only one.

We're not exactly prepared

for war, are we?

Uh... eh.

[sighs]

Hello, my little friend.

[monsters shouting]

[gunshots]

Who's shooting?

Hello there,

miss bus driver.

We were wondering where

you disappeared to.

Al? Alan?

You.

Look who I found

lurking about.

I'm ready to get out of here.

- Yeah, abso-f***ing-lutely.

- It's not gonna happen.

Oh, yes, it is. As soon as you

put the key in the ignition.

Bring me the one.

[bus rumbles]

[all]

Let us in! Let us in!

Let us in!

Let us in!

You need to go call off your group

of cult crazies while you're at it.

Oh, they're not my group.

Bullshit.

Are you trying to tell us

you're not one of them?

Well, of course, I'm one of

them, but I'm not the leader.

I'm just a servant to the chosen one.

We all are.

[all]

Let us in. Let us in.

The chosen one? Who?

That bald-headed baboon

out there

and his Selma Hayek

wannabe sidekick?

[silent laughter]

Oh, God, I'm sorry,

but that was so funny.

Get the unholy sand.

- Why did you bring us out here?

- [woman] Isn't it obvious?

They needed sacrifices.

You don't know anything

about us, sweetie.

And we're not sticking

around to find out.

Where are the bus keys?

I don't have them.

I saw you holding them.

Oh, those were the outside

luggage compartment keys.

Not the keys to the ignition.

I suppose

we should just believe you,

because you've been

so honest with us so far.

Yeah.

[chanting]

If you won't give them,

we'll be forced to take

them from you.

Be my guest.

Oh, with pleasure.

[gasps]

Oh.

- Strip her.

- Now you're talking.

Too bad we don't have a giant

snake to shove down your throat.

[chanting]

[gasping]

[moaning]

[Alan]

Wow.

You're just all types of

crazy, aren't you, lady?

[moans]

My desert pets.

My faithful protectors.

You see, we come

from a religion,

an ancient religion

before time began.

Tonight marks the time

of the beginning.

Spread it evenly.

[Joan]

And now is the time.

For the chosen one to spread

his darkness across the land.

Blah, blah, blah.

Heard it all before.

You sound like a bad,

Z-grade movie, so shut up!

[loud thump]

[moans]

God, I'm so f***ing wet

right now!

We clear a path for the rise

of the great one.

To deliver us from all that is and

all that will be brought forth.

Alan, I'm not finding

the keys on her.

How about in her?

I like the way

you think, sister.

Come to us.

Our bodies are yours.

For the taking.

What... what are they

doing out there?

Drink from me.

What's mine is yours.

My body I give freely.

Not exactly homegrown,

but whatever.

They're preparing for the

rising of the chosen one.

What does that have

to do with us?

Because...

it's my favorite part.

One of you is it.

Repeat after me.

Release the chosen one.

[all]

Release the chosen one.

- Chosen by who?

- The master.

- Could you be any vaguer?

- [Warren] Guys?

Guys, I don't like what

they're doing out there.

We need to hurry

and get this bus moving now.

- [gun clicks]

- The keys.

- I can't help you.

- Can't or won't?

No comment.

Maybe she dropped

them under the luggage.

Slipped them under a bag

or something on her way up?

I'll go look.

Yeah, me, too.

Bye.

[Warren] Looks like

some sort of powder.

Flammable? Are they going

to light the bus on fire?

That's not a bad idea. Wish

I would have thought of it.

I thought you said

you're not the one in charge?

- I'm not.

- Then who is?

Why, the chosen one,

of course.

Only... that person

doesn't know it yet.

Sh*t, we're never going

to find it in here.

We will, all right?

Just keep looking.

Maybe she slipped it

in a bag.

[bag unzips]

[chuckles] Oh.

Looks like somebody

was planning on keeping

the party up all night.

Those are mine,

put them down.

You try getting drilled for hours

on end and see how you like it.

I thought you were

only into girls.

And this is one

of the reasons why.

Now we're talking.

[whispering in distance]

[whispering continues]

[loud banging]

[chanting]

Oh, f***, if they get through

those panels, we're all dead.

Not without a fight.

- [screams]

- Sorry.

- Any luck?

- No, it's not down here.

[all] Release the

chosen one or perish.

Release the chosen one

or perish.

If you release the chosen one, we

might let the rest of you live.

What chosen one?

Who is the chosen one?

Okay, process

of elimination here.

Who's Jewish here? Jewish?

- Jewish?

- No.

- Jewish?

- Huh?

She said wants the chosen

one, not chosen people.

There's a difference?

Release the chosen one

or perish.

Look, we're through

f***ing around with you,

you tattoo lady

monster freak!

Shh. They can hear you.

All we want...

is the chosen one.

The virgin.

Virgin?

Do you honestly think

one of us is still a virgin?

Honey, that ship

sailed ten years ago.

Twelve for me.

Three here.

I was late bloomer.

I f***ed my way

out of the womb.

Just means none of you

are the chosen one!

Then who does that leave?

[chanting]

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