Pauly Shore Is Dead Page #2

I was standin' outside the elephant|compound at the f***in' zoo.

- Yeah.!|- [ sighs ]

I can't believe the network didn't pull it|after the first commercial break.

[ Gags ] I swear-- I swear I'm gonna puke.|You got some Tums or something?

I only have a few minutes left.|I'll meet you guys at the club.

We'll tell the doorman|you're coming.

- Don't be late.|- I won't.

I thought Pauly's show|was funny.

Oh, yeah. It was, um--|It was hysterical.

- Yeah.|- so, what's your name?

- Ashley. What's yours?|- Tom.

You're that creepy guy|from all those movies, huh?

- No. That's Michael Madsen.|- Oh.

so, uh,|how you gettin' home?

- My mom's picking me up.|- Your mom.

- Hmm. How about I take you home?|- Mm.

I don't know.

Come on.|I'll huff...

and I'll puff...

- and I'll-- [ Kissing ]|- Okay.

- God, that's lame.|- Yeah, of course I want my usual table.

What the hell is wrong with you peop--|Just hold it a sec.

Pauly, I gotta tell ya, that is the funniest|sitcom I have ever produced.

No, it'll run a decade.|Ten years easy.

I'll call you in the morning|when I find out what the ratings are.

Mitch. Mitch, wait.

I just wanna say|thanks for everything.

Listen, Pauly, everything we've worked|so hard at in the last eight years...

- is comin' together just as planned, buddy.|- Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

stinky, bud-dy. I know.

stinky piece of sh*t, bud-dy.

Goin' down the toilet, bud-dy.|The f*** that guy does.

I'll tell you what he does.

He exists.|He lives.

He could be incinerated by the heat|from a thousand suns--

it would be too good.

The second somebody put a f***in'|microphone in his hand, and they said...

''Hey, it's okay to talk,'' that's|when the f***in' trouble began.

If my mommy owned a comedy club,|I'd be on f***in' top, too, motherf***er.

- [ Pauly ] Trevorina,you're the|architect to the stars, right?|- [ Woman ] Absolutely.

How long do these sitcoms|keep you workin' for?

What is it--|five, 1 0, 1 5 years?

- [ Phone Ringing ]|- How many episodes did the network order?

- six.|- [ Phone Continues Ringing ]

Wait. What are you doing?|Give me back my pen.

- six episodes?|-Just to start with. They're|gonna order more episodes.

- It's your manager.|- Hey. Hey, Mitch.

Pauly, you are not|gonna believe this.

- Are you sittin' down?|- Yeah.

- It was the lowest-rated show in Fox history.|- What?

Yeah. It didn't even|break the top 1 00.

What about people|in the middle of the country?

I don't know. They're pinheads.|I guess they're watchin' Springer reruns.

That's okay, that's okay.|'Cause it's the pilot episode.

It took seinfeld|a year to catch on.

Pauly, uh, brace yourself.|Are you braced?

- Yeah, I'm braced.|- They canceled your sitcom.

''Canceled''?

-Just like that?|- Hey, come on. Did you read the reviews?

- You told me not to.|- Entertainment Monthly gave it an ''F.''

They said, and I quote,|''sucks worse than gravity.''

So they're not even|gonna air episode two?

You've been preempted|by When Animals Attack.

- I could be attacked by animals.|- Hold it, Pauly.

I got another call.|I gotta take it.

- Maybe it's the network. I'll hold.|- As a matter of fact, it is.

- I got another show in the works with them.|- starring who?

I don't know.|It's my production deal.

How'd you get|your own production deal?

Well, you know, by, uh,|producing your show.

Look, Pauly,|I'll tell you what.

This afternoon,|I got some time, I'll call MTV.

I'll see if I can|get you back on.

Look, that's the last thing I'm gonna do|is go crawlin' back to MTV, okay?

- Gotta go.|- Don't you hang up on me!

-[ Dial Tone ]|-[ Pauly, Screaming ] Fuuuuck.!

[ David ] Listen, why don't we take|a drive to Santa Barbara...

grab some lunch,|clear the mind.

You might be a little shook up|by the news of the sitcom.

David, it has nothing|to do with the show, okay?

I just-- I just need to surround myself|with a new team. That's all.

David?

I'm just a little choked-up.

- Pauly, are you sure you don't wanna rethink this?|- I already have.

Okay, then.|Good luck.

- Bye.|- [ Phone Beeps ]

Hey, guys.

Pauly fired us.

He finally fired us!

Yeah! Yeah!

- [ All Cheering ]|- Pauly fired us!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Whoo!|[ Laughing ]

[ screaming ]

F***!|[ Groaning ]

Watch my head.

Oh, sh*t!

Yeah, well, f*** MTV!

You guys are the only reason why things|are f***ed up for me now anyways.

[ Groans ]|I gotta go to VH1 .

[ Moans ]

[ Pauly Narrating ] So, with|the failed sitcom and no representation...

I wound up where all the other|out-of-work actors wind up in L.A.--

the Coffee Bean.

Or I like to call it--|the Unemployment Bean.

Or in my case,|the ''Has-Bean. '"

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Zoey Chattering ]

[ Man ] Yes, sir.|That's good too.

- I like this one. It shows your--|- Zoey?

Zoey.

Booger.|What happened?

Forget what happened to me.|What the hell's goin' on here?

A couple of days ago,|I met sal Goldstein at the car wash...

and he's helping me pick out|the right head shot.

I'm also testing for Playboy.|Sal knows Hef.

I don't really know him.|I have a friend who knows someone...

who's been up to the mansion|a couple of times, and he met him once.

- Mm-hmm.|- What's your friend's name?

sal. Nice to meet you.|What's up, bud-dy?

[ Forced Chuckle ] Look, sweetie,|let's just get outta here.

Not now.|I'm in a business meeting.

- But I need you.|- We'll see each other later.

I'm sorry.

F***!

Hey. Pau--|Pauly Shore.

- Pauly.|- F***. What? What?

Um, I know-- This must|bother you people.

I don't mean to bother|you or anything, but--

I'm from Florida.|I'm in a band called Limp Bizkit.

Yeah? Yeah, what?

I was just thinkin',|I got a demo, and maybe--

What happened|to your face, man?

so, what do you want me to do|with your f***in' demo? What?

If you like it, maybe listen to it|and pass it on to the people at MTV.

Is that what you thought? What do I have,|a f***in' sign on my neck that says ''Loser.

I got nothin' goin' on.|My time is yours.'' Huh?

- Well, I--|- In fact-- What's your name?

- Fred.|- Fred, that's a really good name for a rock star.

What is it,|f***in' Fred Flintsone?

- Nah. Uh-- Limp Bizkit.|- Limp Bizkit. Yeah, you guys|are really gonna go far.

What does that mean--|shriveled-up dick?

Huh?

You know, man,|you're a dick.

We're gonna blow up|one of these days, bro...

and I ain't never|puttin' you in a video!

Weasel-ass! Punk-ass!

Who the f***--|F*** you!

F***in' f*ggot.

- [ Crickets Chirping ]|- [ Dog Howling ]

[ Man On TV]|I believe he's upset.

Pauly is supposed to follow|Married... with Children.

- It says so right here.|- I know that, Bucky.

Then what's|this submoronic crap?

[ Man On TV]|I don't think he's happy.

Them goddamn|Hollywood know-it-alls.

Them numb-nuts wouldn't know|comic genius if it bit 'em in the ass.

When Animals Attack.|Hell, who wants to watch that sh*t?

If I wanted to watch that,|I'd throw a pork chop in the yard...

and watch the dogs go at it.

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