Pauly Shore Is Dead Page #3

- Hell!|- [ TVShuts Off]

This is my darkest hour|of television viewing.

This is worse than|when they replaced Bo and Luke.

I need to laugh!|I need the Weasel!

[ Crying ] I need the Weasel,|and I need him now.

We could watch Son in Law...|again.

I want my Weasel,|and I want him now!

- Hey!|- [ Tires screeching ]

- [ sighs ]

Jesus Christ, Pauly!|How many times do I have to tell you?

slow down around|that f***ing corner!

I'm sorry, man.|I forgot you're my neighbor.

Hey, Vern, let me|ask you a question.

Who takes a bigger sh*t, huh?|You or your dog?

Depends on who's seen|Bio-Dome last.

- [ Both Laughing ]|- I got ya! I got ya!

[ Mock Groan, Grunting ]

- so, hey, how you been?|- Good. Things couldn't be better.

Hey, you got the big opening comin'.|Austin Powers.

shagadelic, baby!|Oh, behave! Oh, behave!

Like I've never|heard that before.

- Hey, so is Mike pretty cool? Mike Myers.|- Yeah. He's an awesome guy.

- Yeah? He does a lot of movies?|- shitload.

You think there's|any parts in there for me?

Vern. Do you think there's|any parts in his movies for me?

I'll talk to him.|I'll see what I can do.

- [ Engine starts ]|- Come on. Hook up a boy. I'm your neighbor, bro.

- I'll see what I can do.|- Okay. sorry about the corner thing.

Don't worry about it.Just slow down|around those corners, speed Racer.

- Later.|- Come on, Butch.

so, how are you doing, Pauly?

I'm good.

Um, after reviewing|your money accounts...

and realizing that you're not making|as much as you used to...

I think it would be best|if you immediately sold your house.

[ Hyperventilating ] Oh, God!|I knew you were gonna say that.

I just knew it driving over here.|I knew you were gonna say that.

Jesus, Pauly, why didn't you|save your money?

- Why didn't you tell me to save my money?|- Listen.

My job at this firm|is to advise you in investments.

At the end of the day, it's your money|and you spend it how you want.

And you have spent it|like I have never seen before.

$5,000 a month|on ''young, shaved boys.''

- What? Huh?|- Oh, I'm sorry.

I've got Elton John's stuff|mixed in with yours.

But-- Yeah, here we go.

$3,000 a month|on swedish escorts.

At least I didn't spend|as much money as Elton.

You don't need|an accountant, Pauly.

What you need is help--|real help.

Now, I know of a sex rehab|in Arizona...

that you oughta|check yourself into.

I just got a six-month chip.

[ Woman Moaning In Sex ]|Oh.! Oh, sh*t.!

[ Moaning]

- [ Continues Moaning ]|- [ Phone Line Ringing ]

- [ Woman ] Hello?|- Hey.

- What are you doin'?|- What are you doin'?

- Watching you.|- [ Moaning ]

- Tell me what I like.|- [ sighs ] Not right now, Pauly.

- I'm doing my taxes.|- But I need you.

- All right.|- [ Video Continues ]

First, I'm gonna kiss|all over your stomach.

- Then we'll do reverse cowgirl.|Then I'm gonna suck your--|- [ Call Waiting Beeps ]

- W-Wait. Hello.|- [ Elderly Woman ] What are you doin', Pauly?

Hey, Mom.|I'm doin' my taxes.

You don't do your taxes.|Come on over.

Just hold on.

- [ Video Continues ]|- [ Gasps ] Quick. Quick, tell me what I like.

[ Mom ] Wimpy's hamburgers.|Matzo and eggs.

- Apple pie and raisins.|- Mom.

- Mom, please wait.|- Pineapple and bananas.

[ Gasping ]

[ sighing ]

[ Mom ]|Pauly. What's goin' on?

Aw, sh*t.

- Are you okay?|- Mom, I'm fine.

I'm fine, okay?

I need you to come over.|My head hurts.

- F***. I'll be over there in a sec.|- 'Cause I got a headache.

- I'm coming!|- Hurry up.

It's just kind of|a momentum thing.

Whatever the momentum is, it's not going|towards me. I don't have any momentum.

- Oranges! Oranges! Oranges!|- Chiclets! Chiclets!

- It'll swing the other way.|- Well, when's it gonna swing?

You just never know.

- You just gotta be ready for when it does swing.|- Right.

- Chiclets!|- Oranges.!

- Chiclets.!|- Rico suave oranges!

- Maybe we can hook up after dinner at the store.|- Oh, my God.

Orange-- Hey, b-b-baby.|Come here.

Oranges.

- Rico?|- Pauly! What's up, Weasel?

Hey, this is my son.|This is Junior, man.

Chiclets! Chiclets!|Chiclets!

- Chiclets!|-Just like his daddy, bro! What's up, man?

Nothin', man. How you been?|What have you been doin'?

- selling oranges. Buy some, man.|- Chiclets! Chiclets!

I was at the supermarket.|I just got a whole bunch of oranges.

- Hey, it was good seeing you.|- Hey, wait, wait, wait.! Where you goin; bro?

Pauly, come on, man. Not in front of my son.|Buy some oranges, bro.

- Chiclets! Chiclets!|- I don't have any f***in' money, bro.

- Chiclets! Chiclets!|- I gotta get outta here.

- I gotta take care of my mom.|- Where do you think you're goin; fool?

You know what, Pauly?|F*** you, Pauly!

Don't you f***in'leave.! kiss my ass, man.|You ain't goin'nowhere.

- I got sh*t to do.|- [ Rico Shouting, Indistinct ]

Ow!

- [ screams ]|-Jesus!

[ Pauly ]|A**hole!

Who is Rico suave, fool?|Who is Rico suave, homes? Me!

Motherf***er! F*** him!|say, ''F*** you, Pauly!''

I used to f***in' hook him up all the time.|He can suck my ass.

F*** him, man. Come on.|Let's sell some oranges.

- [ Beeps ]|- Hi, Pauly. It's your mom.

I really appreciate you|rubbing my head.

I really feel much better.

- I love you, honey. Bye.|- [ Beep ]

The only reason I ever|laughed at your jokes was to get p*ssy.

''But I need you.|But I need you.''

- Knock, knock.|- Who's there?

- Pauly.|- Pauly who?

- Exactly.|- [ Both Laughing ]

Your 1 5 minutes are up, Pauly.|It's over.

- Pauly, you're so pathetic.|- I want you dead.

- Freak.|- [ Zoey ] Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

[ Overlapping Voices Echoing ]|Not now, Pauly.

- I'm in a business meeting.|- [ kirk ] I might kill you myself.

- Pauly, I'm in a business meeting.|- [ Moaning ]

[ screaming, Gasping ]

[ Panting ]

[ Clears Throat ]|I think-- I think I got everything.

Want another squeeze|before I go?

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

- Want a crack too?|- Mm-hmm.

- Here. Breathe in.|- [ Inhales ]

- Breathe out.|- [ Exhales ]

- [ sighs ]|- [ spine Cracks ]

You're all loaded up, brother.

Thanks, man.|Thanks.

- What the f*** is he still doin' here? Move.|- [ stammering ]

-Jesus Christ!|- Look--

- What the f*** happened to this place.!|- We called.

- He was supposed to be out of here a week ago.|- Well, he's not.

- What are you still doing here?|- I was just gettin' ready to leave.

Well, not till you clean|this sh*t up.

Hey, sweetie.|How are you?

- Trevorina?|- Oh, hi, Pauly.

When do we add|the two new floors to the house?

- You're adding two new floors?|- Yeah. Two whole new floors.

I've got a lot of trunks.|Listen, sorry about the sitcom.

I just got myself one.|Twenty-two on the air.

- Congratulations.|- Yeah, 22.

Actually, Mitch is the one|to congratulate.

He's my new manager, and he's the one|that got me the part.

Why don't you run along|to mommy's club, okay?

All right, guys, let's go.|In fact, f*** Mitch!

He's the one that said this place was nice.|It still f***in' smells like Pauly.

Will you guys|please give me space.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes