Pauly Shore Is Dead Page #9

Well, I didn't find it too funny. What's all|this shakespeare sh*t you was doing?

You ain't an actor.|You're the Weasel.

They weren't going to do|Encino Man 2.

No studio was going to|finance son in Law: The sequel.

What are you saying to me?

You-You tellin' me|the Weasel wasn't real?

It's all just a big money-makin' scheme|to some corporation.

It's just like Ronald McDonald.

You mean Ronald McDonald|ain't really a clown?

- No.|- Well, I'm gonna have to kill|that motherf***er too.

[ screams ]

The Wiez couldn't keep the ratings up|on the Fox show.

That's because you weren't|the Wiez!

You was some spoiled rich kid from Brentwood,|and that sh*t ain't funny!

- Hell, I even know that.|- Please, don't kill me! Please!

[ Crying ]|Please, don't kill me.

I'm just--|I'm just Pauly.!

[ Panting ]

It's okay. It's okay.

- I could never hurt you, man.|- [ Breathing Heavily ]

Ronald McDonald's|another f***ing story.

I'll just have to|watch Son in Law... again.

Hey, Bucky...

thanks for caring.

And thanks for being|my number one fan.

Make the noise.|Just one more time, please.

I wanna act. Okay?

Oh, one more thing.

No wiezin' the ju-uice.

- What movie's that from?|- Encino Man.

- say hi toJudge Ito.|- [ Chuckles ] Jury Duty.

- Ca-razy, boys.|- In the Army Now.

- stub and Doyle! stub and Doyle!|- Bio-Dome.! Bio-Dome.!

- Inbreeders.|- [ Whoops ] Son in Law.!

- Son in Law.|- [ Whoops ]

- [ Chittering ]|- [ Chittering ]

You did that just for me.

[ softly ]|Thank you.

I feel like the last person|that ever heard Elvis sing.

[ Distant Gunshots ]

- Well, I think I got everything.|- Yep.

Richard Gere can have Tibet.|Alanis can have India.

But guys like you, me,|Tommy and Downey...

we found ourselves|right here in L.A. County, man.

- Right. I think Downey should try|one of those foreign places.|- Yeah.

I just wanna tell you, Todd,|that I realized a lot of things here in jail.

Number one, the Weasel|will always be part of me...

just like Willis will always be|a part of you.

And number two, all the girls|that I had sex with...

they didn't want to have sex|with Paul Montgomery shore...

the littleJewish boy|from Beverly Hills.

They wanted to f***|the Weasel.

Anyways,|thanks for everything, man.

Yeah, but remember, that was your choice.|Hey, next time you see sam...

you tell him to tell Redd Fox|to come see me again, okay?

- Why?|- Well, that's my guardian angel.

- Well, here. Then take him.|- Hey. Thanks, Pauly.

- All right, bro.|- All right. Take care, man.

- Take care.|- Bye.

Always lockin' a brother up.

[ Pauly Narrating ] I also realized|that Hollywood isn't such a bad place.

In fact, it's probably one of the most|beautiful places in the whole world.

People come out here from all over the world|to try and get into show business.

Notjust because they love|to sing, dance, act or direct.

Everyone wants to be accepted.

In other words,|we all just wanna be loved.

Ashley, come on.|Goddamn it.

- What?|- Pauly's getting out of prison. We're his ride.

- We gotta go. Let's go.|- Oh, yeah.

Let's go.|she's f***in' retarded.

But she's pretty.

Pauly Shore is a free man.|Hi, everybody, I'm Nancy O'Dell.

Hi, Nancy. Hi, folks. I'm Pat O'Brien,|and let's get right to work...

with the story gripping Hollywood.

Actor-comedian Pauly shore|is out of jail.

Oh, sh*t. Is that my nigga?|Did he get out?

Yeah, that's him. That's him. Look at Pauly!|That's Pauly shore!

- They let that nigga out of jail.|- That's what I'm talking about.

Every network, every studio head|wants a piece of Pauly.

But guess what?|Access Hollywood's got him.

- That's my nigga right there.|Fresh out without a doubt.|- Look at him.

- Walking like a king.|- You can't keep a real nigga down.

- You know what I'm saying?|- F*** Downey and his motherfuckin'ass.

- You son of a b*tch.|- That's what I'm talking about.

But was this a case|of art imitating life...

or Pauly shore|imitating some pretty bad art?

You see, shore was|more popular dead than alive.

since his simulated suicide,|it seems everybody wanted a piece of Pauly.

The question remains: Is shore|a shrewd shyster or a genuine genius?

see, the thing about|Pauly shore is he's a genius.

The guy was always one step ahead of Hollywood.|I mean, look at Meet the Parents.

It's a blatant rip off of|Son in Law.

The guy just never got his due,|'cause, uh, he was too good.

You know what I mean?|Now everybody sees that.

Quit calling. What?

speech! speech!|Come on. Go.

see what I did for you?

[ Indistinct ]

It was because|you weren't the Wiez!

It's a--|I'd say it's a can't miss.

- Okay. You got it?|- Yeah, man. I just wanna say thanks.

- Don't touch me.|- No, that was great. I just wanna say thanks.

Don't touch me.|Give me the pictures.

- The negatives in here?|- They're in there.

Good. 'Cause if I see these things showing up|anywhere, your ass is f***in' grass.

- Okay. I just wanna say--|- Get off of me.

Oh, man. What's he get so mad about?|That's the way the business is.

Last one there, and now...

I can start working on the sequel.|[ Snickers ]

Hey. We're about to order,|uh, f***. Trevorina.

And, uh-- And--|Trevorina.

- And action, n*gger.|- [ Laughing ]

- I was trying to get you.|- I remember something|the late Robin Williams said.

- Pauly who?|- Pauly shore needed to die.

I know a lot of people|said that.

Thanksgiving, he didn't eat|any of the turkey.

He had about 1 5 ''E'' tablets|up his a**hole.

''Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!''

is what he said as he popped|the last one in.

It's like-- It's like|the snoop Dogg song.

It's like this and like that|and like this, and, uh, you know.

I mean, that's what|I think of when I think of Pauly.

I've been selling oranges, homes.|[ Laughing ]

Dude, f*** rehab, bro.|The only way to hit the-- I'm sorry.

- That's okay.|- Dude, f*** rehab!

- The only way to the top is-- Oh!|- [ screams ]

Cool man. Before we go, here's|a demo of our band, staind.

- I stuttered. We'll do it again.|- I thought this was a f***in' Eminem interview.

Laurie, what you|got me doing here?

[ Woman ] Drop the soap! We'll meet|in the showers. I'll slit your throat, f***er.

stop. There's a lot|of talking going on.

This is the ad-lib,|or not the ad-lib--

This is when he says,|uh, at the end of the killing-me scene...

says, uh, um--|What does he say?

- It's a wild track for the prison scene.|- Right.

Hey, Pauly.|Tom Sizemore.

Thanks for the-the|sweet message.

I had an incredibly good time|that day. You're a natural-born director.

You really are, and thanks|for involving me. Okay?

And when it comes time to do press,|if you need me to say some kind things...

don't hesitate to ask me to do anything|to help your movie, okay?

- I mean that.|- [ Beeps ]

[ Sam kinison ] We love you, Hollywood.|Thank you for coming out tonight.!

[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ]

[ Together] Whoo-hoo!|Yeah. Congratulations on the movie, Vern.

- Thanks.|- Whoo-hoo! Cheers.

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