Pauly Shore Is Dead Page #8

[ Howls ]|sha-gu, sha-gu, sha-gu.

Sha-gu.|What's up, b*tch?

- What's wrong, Willis?|- You just don't get it, do you?

That's not it, Pauly.|You got two choices here.

Either you're going to learn|from your time in jail or not.

I mean,|it's your decision, man.

so what's it gonna be, Pauly?|You gonna change your past or not?

''Nigga, nigga, nigga.''

Jump him.Jump him.|Move it right there.

sam Rubin here with|the expose that has stunned...

- all of Tinseltown.|- You're on TV, man.

The fact that a performer who is as lowbrow|and sophomoric as Pauly shore...

tried to fake the public sympathies|by, well...

faking his own death,|is, frankly, disgusting.

This, friends, is a new low in the annals|of Hollywood Babylon...

and believe you me,|that is pretty low.

As I've stated time and time again,|Pauly Shore is a lowbrow buffoon.

- [ Inmate ] Look at that sh*t, man.|- This is Quinn Connor...

from Dickinson, North Dakota,|and I wanna send this out to Pauly.

I hope some dumb-ass convict|makes you his b*tch, Pauly! Whoo!

- [ Switching Channels ]|- So Pauly gave each one of you...

- a sexually transmitted disease?|- [ TVAudience Moans ]

- Yes.|- Not only did he give me a yeast infection...

but I also have allergies...

which I did not have|before I slept with Pauly.

Thanks a lot,jerk!

[ Springer ]|What a bastard.

Pauly, if you're watching me|right now...

enjoy jail, bud-dy.

[ Yelling ]

shut up!

- Jesus.|- I just don't want to see anybody get hurt.

Let me call you back, baby.

- Ah. Cold.|- Hey, man.

Hey.! Hey.!

- You gotta pay for that.|- I'm sorry.

- How's this?|- Oh! Come on, dude! Man!

-Jesus, man. Come on!|-Just call the cops.

- What do you mean call the cops, man?|- Calm down.

If I call the cops, they're|gonna come get you. Take the money.

- I don't care, man.|- Be cool. Be cool, all right?

- You-You've never been robbed before, have you?|-Just put that gun down.

Call ''el copes.''|''El telephone.''

Goddamn Californians.

The cops--|[ stammering ]

I'll be outside.

- [ Clerk ] Lock that hick up.!|- Anything you say...

can and will be used against you|in a court of law.

- I know, Barney. I know, Andy. Let's roll.|- Get in.

[ Flashbulbs Popping ]

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!|Deputy! suicide!

- Deputy, suicide!|- Number 4. Open 4.

You trippin', Pauly. What's wrong with you,|man? Get this dude out of here.

He's goin' crazy.|Tryin' to kill himself in my cell.

Why you put him in my cell?|Get him out ofhere, man.

[ Pauly Screaming ]|No.! No, please, no.!

Help.! No, I can't go.!|[ Screams ]

I don't wanna go!|[ Continues screaming ]

No! Ow! A**holes!

Pauly, it's Adam Sandler. You know,|the guy that keeps you up all night.

The guy that makes 20 mil a movie|when you can't get one made.

- Woo-hoo.!|- You know what? F*** you, sandler.

- F*** you! How 'bout that?|- [ Mocking ] ''F*** you, Sandler.

F*** you. '"|Aw, horseshit.!

You know, I don't get it. What's the difference|between me and you, bro?

Exactly. What is the difference?|There is no difference,you dumb ass.!

When I get out of here,|I'm gonna beat the sh*t out of you!

Well, I'll be waiting, Pauly.

Butjust remember, it's Billy Madison,|not Buddy Madison.

It'sThe Wedding singer,|not The Weasel singer.

You'll always be the Weasel.|You'll always be the Weasel.

- [ Fake Crying ]|- [ Crying ]

[ Chuckles ]|Jesus Christ.

What the f***|happened to you?

You tell me what happened to me, okay?|This is your fault.

You're the one|who told me to kill myself.

Yeah, you know what?|You're right. I said kill yourself.

Not fake your death,|you f***ing moron.

God, look at you. I was just kidding.|[ Laughs ]

- I didn't think you'd do it.|- so now what am I supposed to do?

You tell me. Do you wanna live,|or do you wanna die?

- I don't know.|- Come on. I don't have all f***ing day.

Let's go, you little bastard!|Oh-Ohh!

- [ Crying ] I wanna live.|- I can't hear you.

I said I wanna live, sam, okay?|I wanna f***in' live, all right?

- As Pauly or as the Weasel?|- As the Weasel.

No,you dumbshit.|As Pauly.

But everybody knows me|as the Weasel.

Who gives a f*** what everybody knows|you as? That's their problem.

You gotta start showing people the guy|that your friends and your family know.

The guy that used to cook me burgers at|the Comedy store in Westwood. That guy.

The Weasel's just a defense mechanism|to keep the whole world at arm's length.

- Like your scream?|- Yeah. Like my scream.

But enough about me.|Listen, this is what you gotta do.

starting tomorrow,|you're going to learn how to act.

[ Chuckles ]|You're joking?

You're gonna be one of the best actors|that Hollywood's ever seen.

[ sniffling ]|What?

Look, you've seen the dark side.|You've felt the pain.

Welcome to the real world.|I already talked to all your friends.

They're gonna help you.|Todd, Lawrence, Pepe-- all of'em.

-[ Beeping ]|- Oop. Wait a second.

Aw, sh*t, it's Marilyn.|she wants her dildo back.

[ Laughing ] I'll always be|watching out for you, Pauly.

I'll always be looking out for you.|Take care.

- [ Door Bangs Shut ]|- [ Crying ]

Okay.

[ Indistinct ]

shakespeare. shakespeare.|[ Indistinct ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

This way, Pauly.|?? [ Vocalizing ]

Come on. You can do it.|You can do it.

Come on, man!

[ Reading, Indistinct ]

No, no, no. ''O Hamlet,|our dear brother's death''!

[ Reading, Indistinct ]

- Make it stop!|- [ Continues ]

Like this.

step out.

- Oh, God. Not that. Up here.|- Okay. Okay. Okay.

?? [ Vocalizing ]

[ Reading, Indistinct ]

I mean, it's getting better, right?|Yeah, okay.

''We should know the way.''

Oh, I can't believe it!|Bravo!

There you go.|Now you're getting it, man.

There you go now.

[ Inmate ]|There you go.

[ In spanish ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Thank you.|Thank you, guys.

[ Cheering ]

[ Thinking ] I can't believe I did it.|I'm back on top once again.

Only this time,|it's within.

You know it's weird how|sometimes a bad thing in life...

can actually turn out|to be a good thing.

All the world's a stage|and men and women are merely players.

And one man in his time|plays many parts.

At first, the infant.|Then the whining schoolboy.

- Then the lover.|- I'm gonna kill you, Weasel!

[ screams ]|sh*t! F***!

I drove all the way|from Kentucky for this moment.

- What's your name?|- Bucky.

- Bucky?|- I'm your number one fan, man! Or I-- Or I was.

What do you want?|An autograph? A head shot? What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.|An autograph would be real nice.

- I'll have it written in your blood.|- [ Whimpering ]

I have watched Son in Law|27 0 times.

Watched all your MTV specials.

Hell, I even sat through|Phantom of the Mall.

- You did?|- And I liked it.

[ Whimpers ] Well, if you like me so much,|why are you trying to kill me?

'Cause you humiliated me, man.

- You f***ed with me.|- [ Quietly ] I'm sorry.

When I heard that you|was dead...

it's like my whole world|had been torn away from me.

But then I find out it's all|a joke. All a big, funny, f***in' ha-ha.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes