Pauly Shore Is Dead Page #7

Step on in.|Take the top bunk.

I don't want the devil|underneath me.

- Yeah, you bastard. F*** you.|- [ Metal Door Slams ]

You shouldn't have|betrayed me, Weasel.

Bang!

Listen, son, one of these days,|you'll understand.

When somebody|takes your manhood...

you go take it back.

Bucky, wait a minute now.|No, don't do this.

And you shut your mouth.

You know better|than to mess with a man's business.

All right then.|Well, you do what you have to.

You go out there and--|[ Coughs ]

- You shoot that Weasel right between the eyes!|- [ Laughs ]

[ Men Chattering ]

Oh, look, it's Pauly.|Can he sit with us?

- Can he? Can he? Can he sit with us, please?|- Of course he can.

Pauly. Pauly, come andjoin us.|[ Whimpers ]

- Hi.|- Hi. My name is Lawrence.

And this is my friend, Pepe.

And, of course, we know who you are,|you little Weasel.

[ Yammering, smacks Lips ]|Mmm!

- I loved Encino Man.|- It was so cute.

Any movie that buries an animal in a hole|and then digs it out...

makes me so happy.

Pepe's my ''Encino man.''

Relax.

What's Brendan Fraser like?

- I loved him in Tarzan.|- That was George of theJungle.

- He was swinging from a vine.|- [ Laughter ]

Oh, please.|He'll be back. Mm-hmm.

[ Prison-yard Chatter ]

[ sighs ] Pauly, tell them something|they've seen you in.

I was in a Kid 'N Play movie.

House Party 1 or 2?

- It was called Class Act.|- Class Act.

I seen that.|Which one were you?

I was the guy in the third act.|Remember, at the antidrug rally?

I was pop-lockin'|on the main stage.

I was tearin' it up.|I was doin' this sh*t. [ Yammering ]

- No, sh*t? That was you?|- Oh, yeah!

- That was you? That was you, my nigga?|- Yeah.

- Hell, man.|- All right. Am I down now?

Yeah, you down with us.|You can roll with us, my nigga.

All right, okay.|I'm your n*gger.

- What the f*** you call me, man?|- N*gger.

- What the f*** you say to me?|- I just said what you said to me.

You better take that ''er''|off the end of that sh*t!

That sound like that slave sh*t!|It's ''nigga,'' nigga!

- ''Nigga''?|- Nigga!

[ All shouting ]|Nigga! Nigga!

- All right.|- That sh*t's a-ight! That fo-sho! What's whackin'?

- Nigga!|- Yeah.! Yeah.!

- Yeah! Yeah!|- [ All shouting, Indistinct ]

- All right.|- Come on, nigga. Come up here and f*** with us.

All right. see, I'm down now.|My sh*t's tight. That's fo-sho!

so tell me about some of them fine-ass, white|Hollywood ho's you be doin' the movies with.

You were one of the best|movies of all time, loco.

Happy Gilmore was la bomba, bro!|[ Laughing ]

I wasn't in Happy Gilmore.|That was Adam sandler.

Oh. Which movies was you in?

I was in Jury Duty.

- That's the one with the little Chihuahua?|- Mm-hmm.

[ scoffing ]|That movie sucked, bro.

Adam sandler,|he's the bomb. Ha!

?? [ Comedic ]

- ?? [ Humming ]|- All right, all right.

- sh*t. shut up already.|- You remember that song?

I remember the f***in' song.|You don't have to f***in' sing it.

- I thought you were Adam sandler, man.|- I'm not f***in' Adam sandler.

?? [ Comedic ]

[ Audience Cheering ]

Welcome back to T.R.L. It's Carson.|We're gonna move to the countdown in a second.

But first, on the phone,|the newly incarcerated Pauly shore. Pauly?

Yo,yo,yo, Carson.!|What's up? What's up,yo?

- You're lame. Everybody here's booing you.|- Are you serious?

- I went to your funeral.|- Okay, well, I'm alive, bro.|Aren't you happy about that?

Hold on, Pauly. Everybody was bawling.|It was serious.

- That's not cool at all, dude.|- I didn't think it was gonna be such a big deal.

What do you mean it's not a big deal?|You faked your death.

- so?|- I don't have time for this.

We have a new band|I'm gonna play you right now.

- They're called Limp Bizkit. We just got--|- Wow. Limp Bizkit.

That's my boy Fred|from Limp Bizkit.

- You know Fred from Limp Bizkit?|- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, right. We have Fred Durst,|the lead singer of Limp Bizkit, on the phone.

- No. Don't put him on.|- [ Fred On Phone ] I'm here.

- What's up, dude?|- Hey, what's happenin'?

- Welcome to the show, Fred.|- Pauly, shut up. We're talkin' to Pauly shore.

You're talkin'to Pauly Shore?|Pauly, can you hear me?

- Yo, what's up?|- Dude, you're a f***in' punk!

You are a piece of crap, man.!

I gave you a C.D. to give to Carson.|You f***in' smashed it!

When I see you, I'm gonna smash|your f***in' head!

- [ Pauly, Fred Shouting, Indistinct ]|- I don't have time for this.

- You're a punk, b*tch!|- F*** you, man!

- Your band sucks, dude, and you suck.|- F*** you, man! F*** you!

- Fred, he's not--|- I'm gonna smack you right in your f***in' head!

- 'Cause you're a loser.|- He's not worth our time.

I wanna talk about your band.|Congratulations on all the new-found success.

- Thanks, man.|- [ Raspberry ]

shut up, Pauly. Here's brand-new Limp Bizkit.|Check it out, by request.

- F***in' punk.|- [ Audience Cheering ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Aerosol Can Spraying ]

- Okay, Pauly. Geez, man.|- I don't want it to f***ing smell up.

- Yeah, why don't you kill me with that too?|- All right.

- stinky bastard.|- What are you reading there?

- I'm reading the koran, man.|- [ scoffs ]

You gotta make that change, man.

Pauly, nobody wants to|see that old Weasel stuff. [ Chittering ]

It's all old, man,|and played out.

Robin Williams used to be on Mork and Mindy|going na-na-na, and he got an Oscar.

Tom Hanks used to be on|Bosom Buddies...

wearing a dress with lipstick,|and he got two back-to-back Oscars.

I can't believe I'm sitting in jail|taking career advice from Todd Bridges.

- Oh, and your career's better?|- Yeah.

- Really?|- Uh-huh.

When I get out of here,|I got two TV shows lined up.

- You do?|- Yep.

Is there any parts|in there for me?

Hey, Todd, is there any parts|in your TV shows for me?

No, Pauly. There are|no parts for you, man. sorry.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

You know,just because you're in here,|don't be taking it out on me.

I'm sorry, man. I just can't believe|I'm in jail, that's all.

- Well,you better start believing.|- What do you do in here?

You think about why you got in here|in the first place.

I mean, how did you|fake your death?

Oh. It was easy.

[ Pauly Narrating ]|Yeah. It was all pretty easy.

I told the L.A. coroner's office that I was|researching for a role in a movie...

on how to play a dead guy.

I then snuck into his office|and stole the keys to the building.

I searched in the obituary section|for my perfect match.

There it was.|David Levenson.

I bought a gun,|sex mags and booze.

Then I scored some pills|from Corey Feldman.

So that night|I stole the body...

- dragged him up the stairs to my loft...|- [ Grunts ]

and dressed him|to look exactly like me.

- And, kaboom--|- [ Gunshot ]

the party was over.

Oh,yeah. Then I changed my identity.|Meet my alias, Ben.

Hi. How are ya?|Hi. My name is Ben.

[ Maniacal Laughter]

- [ Chuckles ]|- Why would you shoot the guy in the face, man?

- The guy was already dead.|- You are sick.

And you're my nigga, nigga,|nigga, nigga!

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