Pauly Shore Is Dead Page #6

Hey, get the f*** off me, b*tch!

You think people hated you before?|They're really gonna hate you now.!

- [ Yammering ] sh*t!|- Pauly's still alive!

- Get back!|- That f***in'jerk is alive!

You son of a b*tch!|Pauly shore! He's here!

Yeah, this is--|Get me, uh--

- Give me the f***in'phone.!|- Pauly shore, he's--

- He's at the Charles Motel on|White Oak and Ventura Boulevard.|- Oh, sh*t!

Get the f*** back!

- Get off my counter!|- Damn it! [ Moans ]

[ Both Yelling, Grunting ]

Oh! You--|Come here! sh*t!

Come back here!|Come back, you little b*tch!

You're over with, man!|shitty actor!

Whoo-hoo!|I'm gettin' paid!

Look at you. Quick.|Get in. Get in.

Will you please tell me|what the f*** is goin' on!

I'll tell you after you take me|to my mom's house.

- Pack my sh*t up.|- No. You tell me now.

Kirk! Get me to my mom's house|and get me there now!

Okay? I'll explain everything later.|I promise, okay?

F***.! The cops are here.!|The f***in'cops are here.!

- What the f*** you laughin' at?|- What are you thinkin'?

I don't know what I'm thinkin'!|I'm all f***ed up! Things are all f***ed up now!

- That's Room 1 9. Go check it out.|- All right.

[ Both Whispering, Indistinct ]

- Hey, how ya doin'? Was that a little loud?|- Hi.

I know this is gonna sound|really weird and strange...

but, um, is Pauly shore here?

- Pauly who?|- shore.

The guy from Bio-Dome?|The funny-- The Weasel guy? He's dead.

No. I'm--|I'm all by myself here.

- I'm just, uh--|- Okay.

Actually, I'm here for a-a funeral.

- Oh.|- My mom, she-- she died the other day.

kinda got in a bus accident.

-sorry to hear that. If anything|comes up, give us a call.|-Oh, definitely. Yeah.

- [ Mouthing Words ]|- Yeah. Okay.

- sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Thanks.|- Nice meeting you.

- Have a good night.|- Good-bye. see ya.

- [ Packing ]|- Did you see that, Pauly? I was there for you.

- Yeah. It was a close call.|- Maybe you can put down the gun...

seein' that I'm for the team.

That was good.|You did a goodjob.

Just keep on packin'.|[ sighs ]

six-Adam-7 1 .|I need a backup here now!

Hey, Kirk, did you|get me that audition?

[ Exhales ] No. He-He cast it.|He thought you were dead.

Really? Who'd he get?

Hey, Kirk!|Who did he get?

Carrot Top.|He went with Carrot Top.

You know what? That's fine.

'Cause I never wanted to be|in a f***in' sean Penn movie anyways!

- ?? [ Program Theme ]|- We have late-breaking news.

Actor-comedian Pauly shore|is not dead.

I repeat. Actor-comedian Pauly shore|is not dead.

We now go live to a motel deep in the Valley|where Tricia Miata is standing by...

with the manager of the motel--|Kato Kaelin.

- I knew it was him.|- so you're saying Pauly shore is|in one of your rooms right now.

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.|- Who's Pauly shore?

- He's alive!|- Yes, he is! [ Grunting ]

- No, dipshit. Pauly.|- [ Whimpering ]

- Yeah, he's alive! The f***,|he faked the whole thing.

He's sicker than before!|More f***ed up than me!

What? Aw, f***, no! He'll be bigger|than Downey. Bigger than Downey!

- Who's Pauly shore?|- [ Reporter On TV, Indistinct ]

Oh, yeah. He was on MTV|before I was born. Right.

- [ Police shouting, Indistinct ]

[ All Continue shouting ]

- [ Continue shouting ]

[ screaming ]

I surrender!

[ Flashbulbs Popping ]

- [ Yammering ]|- All right. so, you're beating me 4-to-1 .

- I-I'm gonna make it this time.|- [ Laughs ] Oh, Bucky.

[ Deejay ]|Hold the phone, folks.

[ shouting, Indistinct ]

strange news out of Hollywood.|Now they're tellin' us that Pauly shore is alive.

- shh! shh!|- They're sayin'he faked his death.

Some kind of sick joke.|I don't know what the heck he was thinkin;

- Pauly's not dead.|- Our ''Wiezing theJuice'"memorial|service has been canceled.

- Is this a joke?|- Do me a favor. If you see him,|kick his ass for me.

- Weasel done messed with|the wrong inbreeders now, man.|- Now back to more music.

- You mean, in-breeder!|- shut up and go to your room!

- [ Laughing ]|- Daddy. I'm in my room.

[ Woman, Children Laughing ]

shut up! What's everybody,|a f***in' comedian?

- Get me a beer.|- Fine.

Hi. I'm Kurt Loder|with MTVNews.

MTV executives want|to apologize to viewers...

for airing|48 hours of Pauly shore.

To make it up to you, we're gonna have Metallica|go out and play in all of your backyards.

We go now to other entertainers to hear|their reactions to this unconscionable scam.

I did a movie with him.|I wish I hadn't done--

That was my last movie I did.|Okay? That almost killed me.

Why? 'Cause he|almost killed me on the set.

Every f***ing day.

Before a take-- Right before a take,|you know what he would do?

Right-- ''Action!''|He would reach over...

reach his hand down my pants|and pop two fingers up my a**hole.

What kind of sick sh*t|is that!

But I didn't really|''know him'' know him.

But he always had the nerve|to ask me for sh*t all over the place.

It just-- I felt like smackin' him around|a couple of times, but he's a little guy.

Pauly stole everybody's act.

He-He would steal the girls.|He'd steal the guys.

You should've seen what|he did to my goat, man.

For me, Pauly was, like,|a funny guy and whatever.

And he had his fans|and-and, you know--

And then it wasn't enough.|It wasn't enough for him.

He wanted more fans.|He wanted bigger and-- And that's sad.

And now the whole country's|supposed to f***in' take it back?

No, Pauly. F*** you!|stay dead!

That's the news for now. stay tuned|for more at 1 0 to the hour here on MTV.

[ Man ]|Cut.!

You know, that was actually|a genius move.

- I think that was kind of rude.|- Whatever.

I'm lookin' at his numbers|right now.

Pauly's appearance on Court TV|rated 20 times higher than his sitcom.

He was right. People do|wanna see him as a victim.

That's what he always told me.|I should've listened to him.

Oh, well. Oops.|Next.

[ Gunshots ]

[ Metal Door Slams ]

Pauly! No way!|No way, dude!

- Tommy?|- How are you, man?

- Hey, what's up?|- It's good to see you. Welcome.|You're one of us now.

I knew you'd be here eventually, man.

Don't worry. Everything's|gonna be cool, bro.

It's gonna be the best thing|that ever happened to you.

- Dude, I found Jesus in here.|- You did?

- Yeah.|- Well, where is he?

- [ Lilting ] I'm right here, Pauly.|- Aw!

Dude, look, we made a tape.

Tommy and Jesus.|Check it out later.

Great. I'll look at it.|Well, it's good seein' ya.

- Bye, bro. Take it easy, man.|- Okay, later.

Heidi! Heidi, this is the guy!

- The guy-- The guy that looks like|Richard Simmons.|- No.

- The guy that paid me $83, you f***!|- Eighty-four.

- Hey, Heidi.|- Long time no see, Pauly.

That's why your career|got all f***ed up.

- You're always cutting corners, you cheap-ass Jew.|- I was gonna pay you back.

Pauly, $500! I'm already|low-balling you, you f***er!

- Get me to my cell.|- [ Demonic Growl ]

- Get me to my cell!|- [ shouting, Indistinct ]

Jesus.! Who's gonna be next,|Todd Bridges?

Oh, great.|I get the white comedian devil.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes