Pawn Shop Chronicles Page #6

---

- How you doing?

Have a seat.

These gentlemen ain't doing

anything but wasting time.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Okay.

Now then, I don't need a cut.

I just want you to even

up these here sideburns.

That's an awful lot of hair. You

sure you don't want a trim?

Oh, no. It's perfect

for the show.

The show?

Oh, what are you, in the circus?

No, no. I'm in the county fair.

Oh.

What are you, the magician?

No. I ain't no magician.

I do a tribute show.

A tribute.. what's that?

You show people how to

sew sequins on outfits?

Pshh.

I don't show people

how to put sequins..

Hey!

What the hell?!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm cutting your hair.

I told you to even

out my sideburns.

You nearly took this

flap right off.

Son, I don't know how they

cut hair in the big city,

- but here, that's it.

- I'm from South Carolina.

- Sweet Jesus, I'm outta here.

- Hey, you owe me $12.

You..

One for the money.

Two for the show.

10 for a lousy haircut.

You know what? I'll take

some of that to go.

- I can't believe he chose Doc's.

- Oh, he's gonna regret that.

- Hey.

- Hi. Hey there.

- Welcome to Irwin.

- Thank you.

So you are a Doc man, huh?

Hell, no!

Look what he done to me.

He butchered me.

I'm gonna try Cook's.

Looks like Doc can't

cut the mustard.

Howdy.

Good afternoon.

Have a seat.

These old-timers are

just wasting time.

Looks like some commotion's

going on out there, huh?

Yeah, looks to me

like the loony boon..

Loony tune bin just dropped off

a bunch of mental patients

on a field trip or

something there.

So what are you, some

kind of magician?

No, I'm not a magician.

Say, do you have a TV? Do

you know what time it is?

Could you put on..

The King by night.

- Hi.

- Meet Ricky Baldoski.

He's a volunteer emergency medical

service technician by day

and, as you can probably guess,

does Elvis tribute

performances by night.

So, Ricky, tell us

- a little bit about yourself.

- Uh-huh.

Well, now, looks like

we got ourselves

a celebrity in the house, huh?

Pssh, come on now. I'm

just glad to be here.

Just glad to be here.

You know, I actually was a little bit

nervous during that there interview.

They asked a lot of

questions and everything,

but I had my sign up.

I think that just..

What in the Hades is

going on out there?

Looks like a riot.

I don't mean no offense

or anything like that,

but there's something a little

bit whacko about this town.

The oyster brain next door,

I asked him just to

even up my sideburns

and, son of a gun,

- he just chopped this side..

- Excuse me.

- You went next door first?

- Yes.

Do I look like sloppy

seconds to you, boy?

You decide to be a Doc

man, you stay a Doc man.

I ain't no second choice.

Sir, I just asked him

to even up my burns

because one of them's a little

higher than the other one

and he cut half of it off.

Now if you could be so kind to

just please trim this one so it..

You.. what the heck?

That'll be $12.

You cut me?

Y'all are cuckoo in this town.

Whacky crazy.

Oh, we're whackos, huh?

You come in here in your fancy

suit and your boufed-up hairdo

and you can't even figure out what

barber you want to cut your hair.

We don't care for you

Hollywood types around here.

I am from South

nutter-butter-lovin' Carolina.

I don't care where you're from.

Get!

Get out of my way!

Out of my way!

Thank you.

Good evening, sir.

Hello.

You're not from

around here, are you?

Heck, no.

Bunch of psychos in this town.

You caused some kind of commotion

up at the barber shops.

What kind of whacko town only lets

you get your haircut in one place?

Well, that's just the way it is.

You're either a Cook

man or you a Doc man.

Everything needs its balance

and you done come along here

and unbalanced everything.

Huh.

Okay.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

You ever feel lost?

Sometimes.

You ever feel like

you're giving life

everything you got,

but you just can't get

to where you want to be?

Who are you,

some kind of mind reader

or something like that?

What if I could help you find

what you're looking for?

What if I could put

you in that place

that you've always

wanted to be in?

What if by just saying

one little bitty word,

that I could grant you everything

that you've ever really wanted?

You see, these things on

Earth, they can be grand..

But they can only truly

be achieved one way

and that's with your soul.

Well?

What do you say?

Excuse me a moment.

- Hello?

- Mama.

- Who's that? Ricky?

- Mama.

- Is that you?

- Mama, it's me.

- Where you calling from?

- Listen, Mama.

I think I just met the devil.

- Satan? I knew it.

- He wants to make a deal.

Playing that devil music,

Satan was bound to find you!

- Mom, calm down.

- Elvis Presley died young.

- Mama, I know that the King died young.

- On the toilet full of drugs.

Eating a grilled peanut

butter and banana sandwich.

- That man, he was a disgrace.

- Mama, he had a better life

here on Earth than

anyone ever did.

- I knew darn well the reason why.

- Singing the devil's music.

- It's because he sold his soul.

- Ricky, now you come home this minute.

- Mama, I haven't taken..

- Your soul is not for sale.

- And you tell him I said so.

- I'm gonna think about it

- and I'll call you back.

- Ricky, now you get your tail..

Um..

Well, uh..

Thank you very much

for your offer.

Um.. I will give it

some consideration.

I'm gonna need a

little bit of time.

I understand.

Listen, I got this

show to get to

and, uh,

I should be on my way.

Maybe you'd like to come?

Bye for now.

I'll be around.

You make up your mind,

I'll be easy to find.

Such bullshit. Doc

sucked 30 years ago

Yeah, whatever, man. Have

you looked in the mirror?

Your hair's so gappy, it looks

like you've got the mange.

I wouldn't let Doc trim the

hair on my dog's balls.

Thank you, ladies.

And thank you, ladies

and gentlemen,

for coming out to see our show

here at the Irwin County Fair.

I'm Jerry Cleveland.

This show has been brought to you

by Jerry Cleveland Enterprises.

Now, next up

is the closest thing

you'll ever get

to hearing the King

himself alive.

Please welcome Ricky Baldoski.

He had his

haircut at Cook's.

Ricky Baldoski.

I said, please welcome

Ricky Baldoski.

Hey, man,

it's the magician.

This guy stinks!

Get off the stage!

Oh, I'm sorry, Ricky.

- We'll have it looked at.

- Everything's fine, Ricky.

You suck, son!

I accept your offer.

Now what?

- Did your soundtrack go out, baby?

- That's right.

- Need some backup?

- I certainly do.

What the..

You can't walk around

here like that.. naked.

Give me the flags.

Wait. Please, stop.

Cover yourselves.

There.

Mm. That's it.

With a funky smell.

Oh, honey, you smell

a little ripe.

Thank you. Thank you very much!

How you doing, county?

Anybody order some fireworks?

Liberace. I love you, man!

Shucks, I'm just

glad to be here.

Hey, listen, man, it was

worth every minute.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes