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And I am focused

on the pink and the blue,

like those cute little booties.

And I am in no mood

for sassers!

Your family

just moved here, Aurelie?

Yes, we used to live in

Washington, D. C.

on an Air Force base.

Really?

Your father a pilot?

Sort of. He was called

a flight steward.

Now he's going to college

to be a doctor!

Probably a brain specialist.

You don't say?

That is fascinating!

Stop it!

I'm watching you!

I don't like your attitude!

Stop it with that gum chewing.

I can hear you

from out in the hallway.

My baby can hear you,

and it's driving my baby crazy.

Well, she's off to school.

Jeanne:
Sink or swim.

Hi.

Hi there.

What are you looking at?

Jeanne:
You. Only in a good way.

You know, Jim...

You might be over 40,

but you're still good-looking.

Oh, really?

Thanks a bucket.

It's true, a lot of men

go over the hill, but not you.

Don't you wanna kiss me?

Well...

Hon, I'm just getting ready

to start my day.

Let's not forget that

I'm taking college-level algebra

when my last class

was high school math.

Needless to say,

I've got some studying to do.

Jim, I think you have

a low sex drive.

No, I have excellent sex drive.

Then there's

something wrong with me

because you have

a low level of interest.

Maybe your level is too high,

ever think of that?

No!

I'm normal!

You're too uptight

to ever have any fun.

I have fun!

Lots and lots of fun events.

Endless amounts.

Maybe it's just that

you've got lousy timing...

When you have nothing to do,

and I have extra time

before work!

(laughs)

Sex is free!

Jeanne, I just put on

my hairpiece.

The glue irritates my scalp,

I don't wanna have

to take it off.

Just lay down with it on!

No, I'm not going to ruin it

because of your urges.

This is

a very expensive hairpiece.

Okay, and it's hot.

So, my head is probably

too sweaty for the adhesive

to work properly again.

But fine.

You want me to do it?

Okay, here we go.

Come and get me.

Jim:
Now is your chance.

You're not making this

appetizing.

Jim:
See? Even now,

all you do is complain.

I am sitting down

in the appropriate position.

The equipment is available.

My treasures are on display,

as you can see.

I'm not gonna just come up

and grab it and snatch it!

I'm not a dog.

You treat me

like a dirty old woman.

You're calling

yourself that, not me...

A pervert!

When anyone else would think

I have normal, sexual desires!

(sighs)

George Washington, John Adams,

Thomas Jefferson,

James Madison, James Monroe,

and John Quincy Adams...

I memorized them all one night

when it was raining.

Well, good!

That is real good.

Now, who can tell me

the three most important

systems of the human body?

Aurelie.

Um, skeletal, muscular

and circulatory.

Well, that is right.

That is absolutely right,

I can tell your daddy

is in medical school.

And who knows what

the word "onomatopoeia" is?

For example, the word "plop"?

It looks like Aurelie

is the only one...

Again.

Boy:
(whispering)

Shut up.

Maybe I should go

to a different school.

Everybody hates me.

Sure, if you wanna be a quitter.

In my opinion, you should be

proud of your intelligence!

You try and please

all the dipshits of the world,

you'll end up

on an escalator going down.

Who knows, you might be

the first woman president.

Those jackasses

would be glad to have you

in the Back-of-the-Class Club.

Dad, you're hilarious.

"Back-of-the-Class" Club?

There is

no Back-of-the-Class Club!

I'm trying to talk to you

like an adult.

Back-of-the-Class Club,

Smoking-Dope Club,

Running-Around-No-Good Gang...

It's all the same!

Hey, you don't think

I'd rather be 18 or 19,

and just starting college, huh?

I had the intelligence,

but I did not have good advice.

Is that why you became

a flight steward

instead of a pilot?

Who said I wanted

to be a pilot, huh?

Pilots don't have it so good.

They're stuck in the cockpit

the whole time.

Who gets to talk

to the diplomats?

Now, what do you think?

- Aurelie:
Think of what?

- Jim:
My swimming.

- Your head's above water.

- Lots of people swim like this.

Bad swimmers, for example.

Bad swimmers?

Dad, you have to be a good

swimmer, this is college.

You're gonna get an F.

I know what I'm doing.

It's called the breast stroke.

Your head's still above water.

(Jeanne sighs)

My feet are killing me.

Who wants to give me a massage?

How much will you pay?

Do I ask you to pay me every time

I do something nice for you?

How about nothing?

When do you do

nice things for me?

All the time.

Food.

Jim:
Ah, great!

You ever heard of this?

"How to Make Friends

and Influence People."

No.

Very popular book.

Very successful.

She's not gonna like

that book.

Jim:
Yes, she is!

- It looks 100 years old.

- It's from the 1950s,

and it's very popular

because it works.

You read this, and those bullies

will leave you alone.

It teaches you

how to flatter them.

Flatter them?

You think that's gonna work?

It's worked

for millions of other people.

It worked for people

who are starving,

people who have to sell

products on one leg.

Why not you?

(sound of doorbell)

- Is that our doorbell?

- Get that.

- Why do I have to get it?

- I smell like chicken.

And I'm tired.

- Jim:
I'm tired, too.

- I'll get it, I'll get it.

Neighbor:
Welcome!

Dad, I think

it's the Welcome Wagon.

Aurelie:
Should I open?

(ladies talking)

Nah.

Who needs their coupons?

What coupons?

They have a gift basket!

Aurelie:

I think I saw free jelly!

Jim:
(laughing)

You're so naive.

There's no such thing

as "free jelly."

I love coupons!

What's wrong with us

that no one answers the door?

I wanted to open the door.

But Dad's too weird.

Oh, I'm the weird one?

Maybe I'm the normal one,

and they're strung-out

drug-pushers!

- Jim:
Ever think of that?

- You're a clown, Dad.

Oh I'm the clown?

Look at you, clown.

You're the clown,

or are you trying

to mess with the best?

Ooh, you trying to start a war

you might lose?

- Ooohh...

- Ooohh...

Look strong, look alive!

(playful tussle)

Aurelie:
No!

All great warriors

use the element of surprise!

Dad, I'm gonna get Alzheimer's!

I like to wrestle, too...

Oooh, pile-driver, hah-hah!

Jim:
What do you mean?

Do I talk Swahili?

Jeanne:
You have fun

with Aurelie, but not with me!

You think it's easy for me

to work all day,

sweating in that stinky

chicken factory,

working at Captain Chicken,

while you go to college?

You don't even ask me

how was my day!

Jim:
Okay, okay. How is that

big boil on your rear?

On your hip? Did it ever

turn out to be infected?

Jeanne:
What? That's it!

Jeanne:
Get out!

Jim:
What? You said you thought

that thing might be a boil.

And as you recall, I said,

"Don't worry, it's probably

just a simple pimple."

I'm concerned about you, hon.

I had no idea if you'd popped

it or not...

Jeanne:
Jim! Do I make fun

of your physical defects?

Physical defects?

Jeanne:
Like your toupee,

for example?

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