Personal Services Page #5

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- Who, Ron?

- No, silly cow.

You know who I mean.

I'm fed up with silly buggers, Dolly.

Had enough of naughty schoolboys.

I'm getting out.

- How will you pay the bills?

- I'll be married.

Oh, dear.

Oh, bugger.

Can always do a bit on the side.

Pound says it's Sydney. I'll marry him.

Hello, doll. This is Pat, my fiance.

We're engaged to be married.

This is Christine, doll.

Hello.

Bend over.

That's for the Inland bloody Revenue.

- Cheeky sods.

- What's the matter with you today?

- Good morning, ladies.

- Look what I got in the post this morning.

- The floodgates are open.

- What is it?

Inland bloody Revenue from when I got nicked.

Box No. 192.

A plethora of kinky correspondence.

Cheeky sods. They've assessed my earnings

and sent me a bill for tax.

- Morning, Mac.

- You can't leave those there, you know.

Some of us are working in here.

Who's attending to Mr Webb's bot-bot?

This one wants golden rain, Miss Cane.

Does she now, Miss Stern?

- Will you oblige, Miss Cane?

- Let me at him, Miss Stern.

- Excuse me.

- Yes?

- Speak up!

- Excuse me, Superior Mistress,

but how did you know

I worked for the Inland Revenue?

You work for the Inland Revenue?

Yes.

- What's golden rain?

- Piddle.

- What?

- He wants you to piddle on him.

- I can't do that.

- You've agreed to it now.

Come on.

Detective Constables Timms and Gibson.

Flying Squad.

No more vice, just villains.

She's a cleaner, nothing more, nothing less.

OK, Mr Smartarse?

- I'm not interested.

- Christine, they've been shifted.

They're not vice any more.

Cheeky sods.

Put the kettle on, Dolly.

Have you got a toilet?

- I'm busting.

- Yeah, me too.

They've come to use the bloody toilet.

Have they?

This way.

- It's not too tight, is it?

- The one round his neck looks tight.

It's fine.

Hold these.

Now, I wish to be left in the chamber

for exactly one and one half hour.

If I need any assistance,

I'll press the alarm button here

and the light will come on.

Is it working?

Yes.

- Yes.

Can you hear us?

Yes.

One and one half hour.

Shirley, the gag, please.

Right, slave,

now we are closing the doors for ever.

The high priestess will attend without.

That's it. Home. Supper.

Feet up in front of the telly.

He's such a nice man.

I don't understand it, do you?

No, I don't.

I thought he was making a cupboard

for us to hang our coats in.

I did.

- It's a bit scary, isn't it?

- I'll stay, if you like.

- No, you go.

- Good luck.

- What time's your date?

- I've got ages yet.

It's just a date. He's only a fella.

I'm so nervous.

I've got the collywobbles.

- Go out. Enjoy yourself.

- Ta.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Thank you, Dolly.

Oh, my God!

- Please...

- Mr Popozogolou.

If I'd have known, if you'd told me,

you could borrow my clothes any time you want.

You could come round here and dress up.

I'll dress up with you, if you want.

You don't have to come creeping in here,

you know.

You can wear whatever you want in here.

I'm... not a transvestite.

- I'm not a homosexual.

- I don't mind if you are.

- I love my wife.

- That's nice.

I like to wear dress.

- Oh, my God.

- The red light.

- What is it?

- Oh, no.

Hello.

What do you want?

Friendly visit. Off duty.

Peace. Pax.

I've come to check your locks.

I'm busy.

Don't you ever get fed up?

What with?

All these kinky sods.

Don't you ever ache for something straight?

Not that I've noticed.

I think you do.

I know you do.

It's written all over your face.

Let me come in.

Now.

You've got to keep in with the police.

Sorry, too late.

Oh, my God! Bloody hell!

Mac! Are you alive or dead?

I'm alive!

This is very nice, madam.

There are three other bedrooms this size.

- A small bedroom and a box room.

- Oh, that would be my room, madam.

- I'll put you in a bloody kennel!

- Yes, please.

Nice.

- They are well-proportioned rooms.

- Very nice.

If you put up some of the cash,

it gives you no rights over my life, you know.

Call it an indulgence, madam,

of an ageing pillock in the autumn of his days.

The perfect locale for a brothel, madam.

A house of pleasure.

Privacy and discretion assured.

It's a home. My home.

Not just a knocking-shop.

But the place for sex is in the home.

A guaranteed loan, madam, through my bank.

The bargain of a lifetime.

Snap it up now,

before senile dementia runs me down.

This garden's a mess.

Slaves required.

Foot and shoe fetishists welcome.

Household and garden duties essential.

Won't cost a penny.

I'll leave that to you.

I'll take care of everything, madam.

Nice.

A mess.

A nice mess.

Turn on the light!

Danielle! Turn the light on!

You see? They want more, madam!

You shouldn't be watching this. Not yet.

They can't wait, madam!

We want to see the films.

- We want to see the films.

- We want to see the films.

There's going to be a lesbian display first.

The blue films are for later.

We've got Hot Pussies, Horse Lovers,

- Way To Valhalla...

- And Casanova And The Nuns!

And the nuns.

But there's going to be

a real live lesbian display first.

Bloody well cheer up, Danielle.

No sex in the bathroom, please!

Last time, somebody pulled the sink off the wall.

Come on.

- That's it.

- I'm all right.

- Come in!

- My dear Christine, hello.

This is my friend and colleague, Mr Patel.

Hello. Come in.

Is this the one that's getting me the fridge?

He's the one.

We offer the best discounts in town,

Miss Painter. Anything you like.

Except sex, eh? Ha-bloody-ha!

Now, brothel days are Mondays,

Wednesdays and Fridays.

But this is just a party, a sex party.

- So, enjoy yourselves.

- Who have we got here this evening?

- Helen's here, and Barbara.

- She's nice.

Oh, and there's Fay.

No charge.

She only does it in her spare time.

She's really a vet.

Now, when you go upstairs,

you hand that in to the girl.

Don't pay the girl.

I pay them later.

They hand me back the vouchers.

Nicole, get these two gentlemen a drink.

There's going to be a real live lesbian show

in a minute.

- Silly bugger! What do you think you're doing?

- I'm on a quest, madam.

Searching for the perfect expression

of my femininity.

Not easy for an ageing pillock.

Why can't you grow old gracefully, silly old sod?

Oh, certainly not, madam.

I intend to grow old disgracefully!

Disgusting.

Here. Straight from the chicken's gonger.

Thank you, Christine.

You're a dear.

A beacon among the rocks.

Among the c*cks, more like.

Dirty old sods, every one of you.

What's the point of being old

if you can't be dirty?

Nice party.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear David

Happy birthday to you

Hooray!

Come on, where's your puff, boy?

Right. Here.

- What about the cake, madam?

- Wait a bloody minute.

Happy birthday.

Hello, David.

This is Carol.

- Oh!

- I'm sorry, did I startle you?

- I thought you'd gone.

- I must be getting underway.

Yes, you must.

- Thank you so much. Same time next week?

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