Personal Services Page #6

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- Yes. I should take that off if I were you.

Oh! Thank you. Yes.

- Next week, then.

- Three o'clock prompt!

Winky-poos and bot-bots.

- Yes?

- Hello.

- Hello. You're late!

- Sorry, mistress Christine. I've been at work.

Work? There's work to be done round here,

my boy! In! In! Go on!

Come on! Come on, slave! Get a move on!

What do you think this is,

the Queen's garden party?

Get busy, you lot!

Now! Go on!

Madam, they want to know how much.

- What for?

- Digging the garden.

They're slaves. I thought it was free.

No, they want to know how much you want

for letting them dig the garden.

They've got to work much harder.

- Or I won't accept a penny.

- Sorry, mistress Christine.

What is it?

Dad.

So, this is it.

That's right, this is it. Have a good look.

- I'm not here for a row.

- Makes a change.

It doesn't matter which side I stand, I'm always

on the wrong side of you. It's not easy.

Then why bother?

I need a woman.

Pardon?

A woman.

Your father needs a woman.

Thanks, Mum.

Your grandfather's here, David.

- Hello, son.

- Hello.

Grandpa.

- Grandpa.

- Here. Happy birthday.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Dad!

Dad. David, excuse us, please.

Dad, come with me.

Up or down?

Dad, this is Carol.

Carol, this is my dad.

How do you do, Mr Painter?

- How do you do?

- Very well, thank you.

Long time ago in Bethlehem

So the Holy Bible say

Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ

Was born on Christmas Day

Hark now hear the angels sing

Listen what they say

That man will live for evermore

Because of Christmas Day

I saw you!

Thank you, Lorena!

Now, then, you lot.

Come on, Webby. I want a snap with the girls.

Lorena, you can come back out now!

You two, shift your gongers.

All the men, out!

Come on! Come on, girls! In!

Come on you lot, stop pissing about!

I want you to get into this picture.

Jenny! Look at her knickers.

Gloria? Oh, she's here.

Come on, Helen!

Come on. Come on, Shirley. In the middle.

And Dolly.

- I'm here.

- Oh, you're here. That's right.

Oh, Danielle, stop looking so bloody miserable.

Get in at the side.

Nicole!

- Me too, madam.

- Not bloody likely.

- Oh, yes, please, madam!

- Yes, come on.

- Hey! Hey, what about the men?

- No men!

Yes, what about us?

Right.

One, two, three...

Sex!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Christmas!

Jingle Bells

Let the f***ing commence!

Jingle Bells

- Who is it?

- I am a police officer.

I have a warrant to enter these premises!

- Open up!

- Look out, everybody, it's a raid!

Oh, sh*t.

Come on, lads. Keep on.

Oh, well, you might as well come in

now you're here!

Nice to see you again.

- What the hell's going on?

- Who's this?

Come on in, boys.

That's right.

And you, girls.

We're short on girls.

Sod off!

Sex!

We are police officers. Stop what you are doing.

I don't care who you are. I'm not stopping now.

Arrest this woman!

That is an offensive weapon!

Out!

- Come on! What are you waiting...?

- Oh!

Rule Britannia

Britannia rules the waves

Britons never never never shall be slaves

Sod 'em all, madam!

I'm a pervert!

Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

- Do you have to knock down the doors?

- This is the woman, and these are the premises

on which I've kept observation

over the last three months.

This house has been operating as a brothel

during that time.

You've heard the officer. What have you to say?

If I'd know he'd been out there all that time,

I'd have asked him in for a cup of tea.

- Can't you tell him not to...?

- In the van!

- Diplomats?

- I beg your pardon?

Are you diplomats?

Yes, we are diplomats.

No scandals, please.

- Scarper.

- Thank you, sir.

Yes, sir.

Pay no attention.

I'm not going in that!

Hello, Maureen! We're being raided!

- I hope you'll apologise to the neighbours.

- Don't make trouble, madam.

I'm not going in no Black Maria

like some common criminal.

Everyone else is.

I'll go in yours. Which is yours?

Is this yours? Come on.

- Come on.

- Very well, madam.

He's a gentleman!

Just my type.

A touch of royalty about him.

Silent night

Get off!

Come on.

Come on, you're not going anywhere like that.

Come on.

Oh, sh*t. Come here.

Come on.

Oh!

What a carry-on, eh?

Settle down!

Baa!

Baa!

Bleah! Blah!

Bleah! Bleah!

- Baa!

- Gentlemen!

Bleah!

Gentlemen, I would ask you to be patient.

Tea and baked beans will be served

and statements will be taken.

We won't keep you long.

You're all a lot of sheep!

You don't have to give statements!

Ask him what's the charge.

You're all a lot of sheep!

What's the charge?

Sheep! Baa! Baa! Baa!

I'm a retired officer of the RAF!

Twice decorated!

I flew 207 missions over occupied territory!

In bra and panties!

You're a disgrace.

This is no way to treat a lady!

It'sjust like a Tupperware party, really.

But I sell sex instead of plastic containers.

If the wives were willing,

I'd be out of a job, wouldn't I?

They go off sex.

Rather sell Tupperware.

Ha-bloody-ha.

Sex soon goes out of a marriage.

I'm a bit old-fashioned, really.

I believe in marriage.

Men are animals, sexually.

They don't talk a bit of sense

until you've got them despunked.

Women are more affectionate.

They like a bit of affection.

Though I've met a few horny buggers in my time.

The wife wants a three-piece suite.

If she gave the man sex,

he might be more inclined to come across

with the three-piece suite.

It may not be a fashionable thing to say,

but once you've got him despunked, and he's

sitting there thinking he's all wonderful,

done you a good turn, given you a pair

of soggy knickers, in the afterglow of his glory,

he's more likely to come across

with a Dralon three-piece, don't you think?

Well, you could well be right, love. I dunno.

Personally, I've been married for 20 years,

and we still go at it like rabbits.

I'm responsible, not the men.

You can't expect the men to be responsible.

When the balls are full, the brain is empty.

Ask him.

He should know. I'm fully responsible.

We're looking to make several charges.

Including possessing obscene articles for gain,

selling liquor without a licence,

running a disorderly house,

and keeping a brothel.

I just perform a service.

You will go down for this.

I only go down for a price, dear,

and I doubt if you could afford it.

Earth stood hard as iron

Water like a stone

Snow had fallen, snow on snow

Snow on snow

In the bleak midwinter

Long ago

Yaaah!

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, ladies.

Please, please! No need to storm the fort.

- Is Miss Painter here?

- No, madam is not here at present.

But if you would care to follow me, we will

proceed with a conducted tour of the premises.

This way, please. This way.

Is it true she gave sex

to people in wheelchairs?

Well, there was a minimal charge, sir.

But yes, it's true. Everything's true, sir.

All in good time.

My name is Morton. Ex Wing Commander.

Since my retirement,

I have devoted my life to transvestism

and the pursuit of sexual deviation.

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