Petulia Page #3

8 EXT. ROOM

Across from the ramp there is the elevator the man on T.V. mentioned. Archie is already there waiting for it to arrive. Petulia starts toward him angrily.

PETULIA:
Where do you have to rush? If we were making love, you would be exploring my navel about now. Time would be the last thing on your mind.

An old man in a bathrobe, sadly out of contrast with the electronic motel, looks up from the open trunk of his car. The elevator doors open. Petulia and Archie enter.

9 INT. ELEVATOR

The elevator doors shut and inside the elevator a loud speaker begins playing a medley of San Francisco songs..

PETULIA:
You look like a gargoyle. Poor, dumb Archie. I'm all mixed up sexually. Old Muriel's a prostitute. The oldest professional lady in all Bristol. Mavis, too, my sister. But I mean she's not a landmark yet.

During this Archie notices that the back of Petulia's dress remains unbuttoned. He moves behind her and begins rebuttoning her. At the touch of his hand, something happens to Petulia.

10 INT. FIRST AID ROOM

Archie's hands are holding a LITTLE BOY under the bright lights of a first aid table. The boy is a bloody mess but Archie's hands are soothing him even as they so gently prod, examining his injuries. Nurses are cutting the boy's bloody jeans off him, an expensive watch falls to the floor, they retrieve it.

11 INT. ELEVATOR

Petulia's head presses against Archie's hand. She kisses it, she rubs her cheek against it. The elevator has come to a stop and the doors have opened. Archie sees Petulia's tears on his hand.

ARCHIE:
Real honest-to-God tears, Petulia?

PETULIA:
Tears, Archie.

ARCHIE:
Petulia, you're a kook.

He exits the elevator and whistles at a cruising cab.

12 EXT. DREAM MOTEL

Archie crosses to the cab and opens the door. He hustles Petulia inside the cab.

ARCHIE:
If he gets you there in time, you can still pick the winning ticket and make somebody happy.

PETULIA:
(very quietly) Archie, I'm going to marry you.

The cab pulls away and Archie sees Petulia looking at him through the rear window. Archie allows himself the drollest of smiles.

ARCHIE:
It's the Pepsi generation ...

He walks into the night alone.

A jalopy full of dizzy dames with "LOVE" painted in huge awkward letters on its side almost runs him down. Archie continues in the night. Now, we can see the Golden Gate Bridge.

13 EXT. DANNER HOUSE–DAWN

The house is on the edge of the sea and a cliff rises behind it. Petulia is going up the open lift which climbs the cliff. It is a very different Petulia. She hurts.

14 INT. ARCHIE'S BEDROOM–MORNING

Archie is sleeping. There is the SOUND of a bell ringing. After awhile Archie's hand reaches out for the phone.

ARCHIE:
(into phone) I'm up, thanks.

Then his dizzy brain realizes the ringing is continuing and is constant. He sees the alarm clock, 6:15. He stumbles and staggers to the front door.

ARCHIE:
Yeah... yeah ... yeah ...

He opens the door to come face to face with the large and twirly front end of a tuba. The tuba is stark white for no particular reason.

14A EXT. ARCHIE'S APARTMENT

We see some of the hall, a yawning milkman, etc., but mostly Petulia and the tuba.

14B INT. ARCHIE'S APARTMENT

Dazedly, Archie steps back to make room for Petulia and the tuba.

ARCHIE:
I'll make some coffee.

Petulia blows with all her strength, emitting a sad little peep, then collapses to the floor, tuba and all.

PETULIA:
Aren't I a kook? If you think you're surprised...

ARCHIE:
(at the same time) No, I've been up for hours, waiting for the doorbell to ring.

PETULIA:
... think how surprised the man who owns the pawnshop is going to be when he sees all that broken glass.

14C EXT. PAWN SHOP

A brick smashes the glass, scattering cameras, mandolins, etc. in the midst of which is the white tuba.

PETULIA'S

VOICE:
Archie, how come the burglar alarm didn't go off?

14D INT. ARCHIE'S APT.

The scene continues.

PETULIA:
Where's it all going to end if the burglar alarms won't go off? Take me to bed, Archie,

ARCHIE:
Get the hell out of here ... please.

He reaches to help Petulia to her feet but as he touches her waist to lift her, she screams and faints.

15 INT. HALLWAY OF DANNER HOUSE–NIGHT

But we don't know it's the Danner house. All we see is Petulia crumpling as she is struck. She hits the floor and just lies there, not making a sound. (Also SHOOT in slow motion.)

16 INT. ARCHIE'S APARTMENT

Archie breaks an ammonia ampule under Petulia's nose. Her head wrenches away and she opens her eyes. Archie has begun to prod her side; she is in pain.

PETULIA:
I've got a broken rib, I think, I can feel it broken, Archie.

ARCHIE:
Don't you know you can puncture a lung?

PETULIA:
Hopping around with tubas and stuff—isn't it kooky, though?

Archie has begun to remove her dress.

PETULIA:
When are we going to stop trying to undress me?

ARCHIE:
Shut up.

PETULIA:
Leave me alone, Archie.

Archie sees she really means it.

ARCHIE:
It's just a rib to me.

PETULIA:
That's why. Call a proper doctor,

ARCHIE:
What do you think I am?

PETULIA:
A hairy legged old lecher running around in pajama bottoms.

ARCHIE:
Get your clothes off,

PETULIA:
As a woman, not as a rib.

Archie is harassed. The phone begins ringing. He grabs it angrily.

ARCHIE:
(into phone) I'm awake! I'm awake! How many times are you gonna call?!

He hangs up, then realizes this was the first wake up call. la

ARCHIE:
(to Petulia) You know what—you'll drive me cuckoo.

He sighs and begins dialing a number. Petulia is in real pain. Like a little child she crawls under the covers of his bed, pulling the quilt up around her as though Archie's left over warmth will make the pain go away.

ARCHIE:
(into phone) Barney? Archie. Fine ... fine ... fine ... I want you to look at a patient for me. Now. At my place. My apartment. Barney, it's very complicated and I haven't had my morning coffee yet. Her name is Petulia. I don't know her last name, Barney. Yes, Petulia. Barney, shut up. I have to get to the hospital.

16A BARNEY'S BEDROOM–MORNING

During the above we catch a glimpse of sleepy Barney sleepily asking stupid questions.

16B INT. ARCHIE'S APARTMENT

Archie hangs up, goes to a medicine case which he had hastily opened for the ammonia ampule and now he takes out a couple of pills, which he gives to Petulia., She takes them obediently.

PETULIA:
You've got a super build for a man your age.

Archie says nothing. He crosses to the bathroom and hastily begins dressing.

PETULIA:
Where are all the family pictures?

Archie is busy brushing his teeth.

PETULIA:
(loudly) The family pictures!

He looks out from the bathroom blankly.

PETULIA:
Polo and the boys.

Archie goes back to brushing his teeth electrically, with salt.

PETULIA:
I'll bet you named her Polo. Don't ever start mucking about with "Petulia".

Archie exits from the bathroom, all the time continuing to dress.

PETULIA:
What's her real name?

ARCHIE:
Prudence.

PETULIA:
And you named her Polo. That's kind of sickening, Archie.

Archie stops his dressing long enough to gaze at this girl in his bed, beyond which is an overturned tuba. Archie sighs somewhat philosophically, not nearly as amused as you'd think.

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