Phffft Page #6

Say, are you married?

Well, I was. I'm divorced now.

What made you get divorced?

Was it another woman?

Well, no, no. It was nothing like that.

No? What happened then?

Well, as a matter of fact, I was cruel to her.

- No kidding.

- Well, only mentally, of course...

I mean, by that I disparaged her work,

for one thing.

And I was also incompatible

and frequently moody.

...and unresponsive and insulted her

in front of her friends, and...

I thought maybe it was something,

well, you know, kind of interesting.

No, it was nothing interesting.

How long have you been divorced?

A couple of days.

Maybe we should have another drink.

All right.

It's not very good without ice, I'm afraid.

Don't worry about it.

Say, I've got a good idea.

Maybe we could go out someplace else

later on.

Have you seen the show at the Copa?

No. I don't get to the Copa very much.

Well, at least they have ice at the Copa.

You know, it seems awful funny

that you're a friend of Charlie's.

You know,

you're not even a little bit like him.

You're more the quiet, moody type.

In some ways, you're very cute, though.

Well, I'm afraid this is awfully dull for you.

I mean, I'm kind of depressed tonight.

But sometimes I'm pretty much

of a riot myself, but it...

- I bet you are.

- Yeah.

You know, you really ought to try

and cheer up, though.

Here, maybe this'll help you.

That didn't seem to do any good at all.

Say, what's the matter with you, anyway?

I don't know. I'm sorry,

but the whole thing is a mistake, that's all.

I told Charlie it was,

but you know Charlie. It's...

I'm still upset and everything. This...

I'm not very good company, you see.

I don't even have any ice.

Maybe the best thing I could do

would be just to take you home.

Don't worry about it.

I mean, it's quite all right.

- I can take a cab.

- Well, no. Really, I mean...

Don't worry about it.

Well, then,

I'll call you again sometime, maybe.

- You do that.

- I will, I...

- That'll be fine.

- All right. Well, good night.

Good night.

Say, how long were you married

to that dame anyway?

About eight years.

She was pretty special?

Well, she was different.

I've got a flash for you.

That much different she couldn't be.

Good night.

"Then slowly,

her eyes never leaving my fae...

"she began, one button at a time,

to undo the front of her sweater. "

Purse the lips and say "eu. "

- Madame.

- Yes.

The "eu" sound is the foundation...

...the very Rock of Gibraltar

on which the French language is based.

There is, I assume,

some personal and compelling reason.

...for Madame's desire to master French.

- A trip to Europe, perhaps?

- Well, something like that.

May one ask a question of personal nature?

Of course.

Madame has recently been divorced?

Yes.

How sad.

It isn't a bit sad.

It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Why did you ask that?

So many of our students

have recently been divorced.

It's most interesting.

During the first few months after a divorce,

one almost always decides to devote oneself.

...to something serious and worthwhile.

As for example, the United Nations.

It's very odd, the psychology.

One has been unable

to save one's marriage...

...so now one will compensate

by saving the world.

Forgive me, Madame. Forgive me.

I am perhaps too outspoken.

My sincerest apologies.

It's all right.

Let's try it once again, huh?

I have great optimism.

It's only a matter of time,

in the soft palate, huh?

Now, purse the lips.

Very nice. Very nice.

Well, that's what we call progress.

Give me those hips a bit more, will you?

Get this. "A close shot, Elaine's sweater.

"Slowly, her eyes never leaving his face...

"she begins, one button at a time,

to unbutton it. "

Pretty good, huh, Marcia?

That'll fracture them.

It's wonderful, Mr. Nelson. Just wonderful.

"By this time, Brannigan... "

As your lawyer, you can't do that,

it's plagiarism. You're stealing again.

Stealing? Who's stealing?

I'm changing the names.

Look, Marcia, let's take a break.

We've done enough for today, anyway.

Now you type that stuff up,

and we'll get a fresh start tomorrow.

Let's make it early, around 11:00.

All right, Mr. Nelson.

Look, Charlie, listen.

I saved you from one plagiarism suit.

I may not be able to do that again.

Now you've got to try to be more careful.

Bobby, I don't like to discuss my work.

You take care of the business,

I'll handle the art.

- Goodbye, Mr. Nelson.

- Goodbye, Marcia.

- Now, look...

- How about that? Is that great?

Are you busy tonight?

Maybe I can fix you up a date.

No! Please! I will not go through that again.

I just don't seem to have anything to say

to 20-year-old girls anymore.

The trouble with you, boy, you're in a rut.

Mentally you're still married

to the girl that divorced you.

You handle her television business,

her income tax...

Well, other members of the firm

insisted on that.

She's a very valuable client.

It's as though you're still married

with none of the advantages.

Look, why don't you take Marcia out,

be my guest.

- No, Charlie. Now, please.

- Bobby.

The big thing, a man gets divorced...

...he's got to learn how to expand,

how to grow.

You got to start from the bottom

and work your way up.

You got to change your personality,

your clothes, grow a mustache.

- Grow a mustache?

- Sure.

I'd probably look like Groucho Marx.

A mustache is a very important thing.

That's part of the famous

Charlie Nelson theory.

...on the efficacy of face hair

in dealing with the opposite sex.

What?

Always remember this.

Dames become unpredictable

when faced with a mustache.

It both arouses and angers them...

...because being as it is

a symbol of masculinity...

...they feel drawn toward it.

It's no use, Charlie.

I have no interest whatsoever

in growing a mustache!

And I have no interest in girls

like Janis or that Marcia.

- We have nothing to talk about.

- Look, Bobby, Janis is basic.

You got to make it with a Janis

or you're dead.

Besides, who says you got to talk to them?

You're back in the jungle, boy,

you're a hungry tiger...

...a lithe, young animal.

I'm a lithe, middle-aged animal.

Bobby, there's nothing to it, you gotta do it.

Look, Charlie, I don't know.

I just don't know.

Bobby, look.

You put yourself in my hands for one week...

I guarantee you that at the end of that time,

you won't be able to recognize yourself.

Yeah.

Loose, loose, loose, loose, loosen up.

Dance with me loose, loose,

loose, loose, loosen up.

Limp, limp, limp, limp.

I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

It looks easy enough.

Stand back and watch me for a minute.

Notice the hips swing...

...swing, swing, swing the hips...

...swing the bottom...

...swing, relax.

Swing, swing, swing, swing, ole!

- Let your knees go limp, limp, limp.

- Let your knees go limp, limp, limp.

- Limp, limp, limp.

- Limp, limp, limp.

- Let your knees go limp, limp, limp.

- Let your knees go limp, limp, limp.

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