Phffft Page #5

...the scripts are brilliant.

But if you could just write the dame

out of the show for a week or so...

...maybe she could have an accident and be

unconscious for a week or something.

You know, put her in her convertible

and let her drive it over the cliff.

...or put her up in a plane

and let it disintegrate in midair.

You can handle it. Anything.

Just so the audience

will get a chance to know me.

I promise you that rating-wise it would be

a tremendous lift for the show, and...

Hey! What did I do?

You goofed!

"Outside, the night was as blak

as a oal miner's T-shirt.

"I turned slowly away from the window

and faed her.

"Then, for the first time,

she ould see the automati in my hand. "

- Hey, Bobby.

- What, what is it, Charlie?

Come on, boy,

you can't just sit around this place.

You'll go stir-crazy.

A man gets divorced, what he needs

is to get out and meet some new people.

Now, I've got a great girl for you.

Let me call her, huh?

I'm perfectly happy

just sitting here reading, Charlie.

Okay.

"For a long moment,

she stared at me in silene.

"Her eyes had that funny,

mad look I'd ome to know and fear.

"Her moist red lips were half-parted.

"Then slowly, her eyes

never leaving my fae, she began... "

- Hey, Bobby.

- Charlie, I am trying to read.

Do you know I got divorced

for this very same reason?

Now will you please stop?

You were married too long,

that's the trouble. You lost your touch.

You got...

I'm going to call this girl, her name is Janis.

I don't care if her name is...

Charlie, it's just that I wouldn't even know

what to do.

There's nothing to it. You buy her dinner,

a few drinks, hand her some laughs.

- From then on, you're on your own.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- Are you actually:Hey, stop.

- Will you stop arguing?

- It's ringing. She may not even be home.

- Charlie.

Hello. Hello, Janis.

Janis, this is your dream man, Charlie.

You wouldn't.

Charlie Nelson,

the answer to a young girl's prayer.

Sure, you remember. That's right.

That's right, that's right.

I'll come up sometime

and we'll play Pony Express.

Pony Express?

Well, that's like post office,

only a little more horsing around.

Yeah, I know I'm terrible.

That's why you love me so much, huh?

Yeah, look, beautiful,

there's this friend of mine...

- A wonderful guy named Bob Tracey.

- For:
This is embarrassing, Charlie.

He's a great guy, a million laughs,

and he's dying to meet you.

Are you doing anything tonight?

Honestly, I don't feel very well, Charlie,

honest.

How about dinner?

A million laughs, I guarantee you.

Yeah, okay. He'll pick you up about 8:00.

Tracey, that's right, Bob Tracey. Bye.

Come on, boy, snap out of it.

You're in for a ball.

Good evening. My name is Robert Tracey...

- And Charlie Nelson said...

- Come on in.

Come on. I'll be ready in just a minute.

You know, it's the funniest thing.

When Charlie called me up tonight,

I was just about to open a can of spaghetti.

- Well, I'm certainly glad you didn't do that.

- Well, me, too.

- I hate to cook. Turn around.

- I beg your pardon?

Well, turn around. I have to finish dressing.

- Of course, certainly. I'm very sorry.

- Speaking about spaghetti...

...you'd be surprised at how many fellas

you go out on dates with.

who don't like to buy you any dinner.

They'll buy you anything you want to drink,

all right...

...but not to eat.

What I think is,

they just want to get you plastered.

I think maybe I ought to pull this curtain.

There seems to be somebody staring at you

from across the court.

No, don't do that.

My girlfriend and I,

we never pull the curtain.

We just have a ball with him.

You know,

that boy must be a nervous wreck.

We never let him get any sleep at all.

Some day he's going to flip his lid

or fall out of the window or something.

- Don't you think that's a scream?

- Well, I should think you'd call the police.

No, that would spoil everything.

After all, he's been so patient,

it only seems fair.

Okay, you can turn around now.

You look lovely.

Where would you care to have dinner?

I know a real dreamy place.

It's real cute. Come on, just stick with me.

I get the biggest kick out of this place.

All the boys here are from Yale.

- Hello.

- Janis.

Hi, George.

- Hello, Janis.

- Hello.

- Hi, Janis.

- How've you been?

I suddenly feel kind of old

among all these crewcuts.

You know something?

I was at the spring prom at Yale last year.

This Yale boy's roommate

made a bet with him.

...that he wouldn't dare ask me, but he did.

He's at Harvard now.

That figures.

Hey, Janis, get the pompoms.

Come on, Janis.

- Where are the pompoms?

- We want Janis.

It's your song, Janis.

Boola boola, boola boola.

Boola boola, boola boola.

When we're through with those poor fellows.

They will holler boola boo.

Rah, rah!

Yale, Eli Yale.

Yale, Eli Yale.

Yale, Eli Yale.

Good going, Janis!

Eli Yale.

- Nice work, girl.

- You're swell, Janis.

Sometimes I think

I should have gone to college.

You know, there's so much a person can get

out of college.

Yes, that's certainly true.

You may not believe this...

...but they were going to give me

a scholarship to this college...

...but I decided not to take it.

I wanted to keep on with my dancing.

Well, that's very interesting.

What college was that?

- What?

- Where they offered you a scholarship?

Some little jerkwater college back home.

Here, put your hot one

up against my cold one...

...and make my cold one hot.

That means give me a light.

That's what Charlie Nelson always says

when he wants to light a cigarette.

...from somebody else's cigarette.

I think it's real cute.

I mean, you could really bust something

laughing at Charlie.

In what subject

did you almost get this scholarship?

I don't know why this fascinates me so.

- Music.

- Music?

I won runner-up

in the all-state drum majorette contest.

- Hey, let's dance.

- No!

I mean, to tell you the truth, I can't...

What is:
Rumba.

I was going to take some lessons,

but I never quite got around to it.

That's all right.

Sometimes, it's a lot more fun

just to sit and have a serious conversation.

Maybe we could go up to your place

where it's more quiet.

- My place?

- I think it'd be dreamy. Don't you?

Well, yes, well, it would:Dreamy.

Well, this is home.

I share the apartment with Charlie,

you know.

You known Charlie a long time?

Yes. We were in the Navy together

and I have been his lawyer for years.

Would you like a drink?

Would whiskey be all right?

Well, sure. I think whiskey would be dreamy.

We don't seem to have any ice.

Charlie forgot to put water in the trays.

Well, don't worry about it.

I'd just as soon have a little straightie.

You know, it's the funniest thing,

did I tell you?

When Charlie called me up tonight...

I was just about to give up

and open a can of spaghetti.

Spaghetti, yes, canned spaghetti.

You told me about that.

Well, good luck. I'm sorry about the ice.

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