Phffft Page #8

...select a man who is attractive to you,

then go after him.

Think of it as medicinal,

something that has to be done.

You can't go on this way much longer,

you know.

No. I can't go on like this. I really can't.

Would you mind taking the car?

I love this game.

An excellent outlet for aggressions.

It's pretty good exercise, too.

Each time I hit the ball, I pretend in my mind

that I'm in fact hitting one of my patients.

- You're a doctor then?

- Psychoanalyst.

This for you, dear lady,

on the head, where it'll do the most good.

- My ex-wife.

- My last patient.

My ex-mother-in-law, right in the head.

My last patient again.

That's all. I'm getting too old for this game.

I've enjoyed it very much.

My aggressions are gone.

Me, too.

By the way, if you'd ever like a return match,

my name's Tracey.

Van Kessel.

- Robert Tracey?

- Dr. Van Kessel!

I'm embarrassed. I've said too much.

I had no idea.

No, no, no. I'm through with her

and her miserable mother.

Dr. Van Kessel! There is one thing, Doc.

I've gone out with other girls

and I'm not interested.

Now what should I do about that?

You must try again.

Try harder. It's absolutely essential.

Now take squash, for example.

This is no substitute for the community

interests and activities to be found in...

Well, good evening. Won't you come in?

You bet.

Well, it certainly has been a long time.

Do you know that I wasn't even sure

who it was when you first called me?

- Yeah?

- Then, when I was getting dressed...

...it suddenly hit me.

I told my girlfriend, "I'll bet I know who it is.

"I bet it's that sad-faced friend

of Charlie Nelson's. "

And my girlfriend says,

"You mean, Old No Ice?"

- And I said, "Yeah, I'll bet it's him. "

- Well, I've got plenty of ice tonight.

I said, "He was pretty cute in some ways.

"He's having some kind of party. "

So my girlfriend says, "Don't kid me.

"You've had big eyes for him

ever since that night with the no ice. "

You seem different somehow.

Well. Won't you?

You know, I just wish you'd have called me

five minutes earlier...

'cause I already opened a can of spaghetti...

...so I just stuck it in the ice box.

- Do you think it'll keep?

- Forever.

Maybe she was right, my girlfriend.

Maybe I did have big eyes for you

all the time, and I just didn't know it.

Since this is a party...

Gee. Gee, thanks.

How about that?

It's a white orchid!

Gee! Let's see. Where can we pin it?

Well, I have some scotch tape in the kitchen,

maybe we...

Let's just wear it some other time.

Take it with you when you leave.

If you leave.

Okay. I'll keep it in the ice box.

With the spaghetti?

It sounds like a popular song, doesn't it?

Orhids, spaghetti and you.

- You're getting cuter every minute.

- Yeah?

A tiger skin!

- Where'd you get it? In Africa?

- No. Philadelphia.

That's part of the stage set

for Charlie's play that closed there.

Gee, a tiger skin.

You know, when I was a little girl...

I used to think how romantic it would be

to have a date with a fella with a tiger skin.

Let's have some wine.

The champagne must be cold by now.

That's the biggest bottle of champagne

I ever saw in my life.

It was the large economy size.

In some ways, you're even more of a scream

than Charlie Nelson.

Well, that's the nicest thing

that anybody ever said to me.

Say, would you mind

if I sat on your tiger skin a minute?

I'm just dying to try it.

Well, that's what it's for.

You know, this is just wonderful.

I'm so glad you asked me.

The champagne and the flowers,

the tiger skin.

Who's all coming?

Just you and me.

Well, that's such a corny one!

You know,

Charlie Nelson pulled that one on me.

- The first night I ever met him.

- Yeah.

He says, "Come on over,

we're gonna have a big party.

"with drinking and necking

and carrying on. "

Well, I just bit for it like a big dope.

I says, "Sounds wonderful!

Who's all going to be there?"

- And he says, "Just you and me. "

- You and me. Yeah.

I tell you, I just laughed!

You know, Charlie really flips me.

But I like the way you said it better.

You sounded like you were,

you know, serious.

Yeah, well, I'm serious, all right.

Boing!

- Boing?

- Yeah, boing!

I'm so glad I was free tonight.

You know, I had a date with Charlie,

but he called me up and he broke it.

Good old Charlie.

He had a conference

with some girl he knows...

...a writer up in Westport.

Well, if he hadn't had this conference, I...

- What writer up in Westport?

- I don't know.

She just got a divorce or something.

She was married to one of his best friends...

...so he was going up there

to keep her company.

Why keep her company?

Yeah, he was going to play Pony Express.

That's a joke Charlie has.

You know what a riot he is.

Say, what's the matter with you anyway?

Look, I'm sorry,

I just remembered a previous engagement.

I've got to get up there right away.

If you wouldn't mind waiting. I'm sorry.

You can go to a movie. I'm sorry.

It's going to be fine.

He's really very attractive, in his own way.

I never realized how amusing he is.

I had lunch with him twice.

I never stopped laughing the whole time.

You look pretty good, kid,

for an unmarried American female.

If I only don't scare him off. Or panic.

I won't panic. I will not panic.

I will not panic.

I will not...

Panic.

- Charlie!

- Nina!

Hey, man, you smell good.

Well, I certainly should at $35 an ounce.

It was sweet of you

to drive all the way up here.

...to visit an unmarried, poor, old widow lady

like me.

Well, that's Charlie Nelson,

the friend of widows and orphans.

Come on in.

I'm just in the midst of making martinis.

Martinis?

I've got glasses in the ice box to chill.

Is that right?

Well, that's imperative.

That's absolutely crucial.

You know, when I get up in the morning,

the first thing I do is brush my teeth.

The second thing,

I put the glasses in to chill.

Well, you know the way.

Would you like to get them for me?

Sure. Your wish is my command.

Two parts gin...

One.

Two.

To one part vermouth.

One.

Does that look about the right color?

Magnificent. Ash-blonde, very beautiful.

- Two-to-one?

- Yes.

This is my maiden effort.

Certainly hope it turns out all right.

Well, luck.

Luck.

Is it all right?

It's wonderful.

There's something the matter with it,

I can tell.

I did something wrong.

Probably bruised the gin.

Would you tell me how

you can possibly bruise gin?

No, no, the gin's fine.

There's not a mark on it.

Then what?

Well, I was just thinking about you,

that's all.

About me.

Yeah. Some girls are sort of, well, dismal.

Everybody says,

"What she needs is a husband. "

With you, it worked out the other way.

What you needed was no husband.

You know, I can't get over a girl like you.

So you have to get up

and answer the phone yourself.

What?

Well, that's just a joke.

I use that sometimes. I don't know

how it happened to pop out right now.

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