Phffft Page #9

It's part of the famous

Charlie Nelson technique.

I don't know why

I should be using it on you, though.

I don't know why you shouldn't.

Tell me more

about the famous Charlie Nelson technique.

Is it really famous?

Well, yes, it's pretty well known.

You see, basically, the world is divided

into the cryers and the laughers.

There are sub-divisions, of course,

like the whiners and the gigglers...

...but basically

there are the two major schools.

Schools of what?

Well, to put it as delicately as possible,

of getting.

...a young lady into a receptive mood for,

you know, romance.

What it amounts to is this.

You can laugh them into it

or you can cry them into it.

One way or the other,

but there's no middle ground.

That's remarkable.

I was married for eight years.

...and I never heard about that.

Well, you understand,

I'm giving you in a nutshell.

what has taken me years and years

to isolate.

Take the cryer, for instance.

Everybody knows the cryer

has a distinct advantage.

...because you feel sorry for him.

He can't live without you. He can't eat.

He can't think. He can't sleep.

His business is going to pieces.

And if you don't take pity on him,

he'll kill himself.

It's terrible.

Successful cryers

are almost always married.

I don't know why that is, exactly.

- It's amazing.

- Yeah.

Then you take the whiners.

Now there, there is sheer, naked power.

A whiner can't miss, because he knows

he's not good enough for you.

He knows he's old and fat and ugly

while you're young and slim and beautiful.

He knows how hopeless the whole thing is.

And he doesn't blame you

for not having anything to do with him.

Doesn't even offer to kill himself.

He just sits there

and whines and whines and whines.

- It's very effective.

- It is?

Sure. After two hours

of well thought-out whining...

...a girl will do almost anything

to shut him up.

I've always been a laugher myself. I'm...

Just a little harder in a way,

takes a little more style, you know?

But in the end, if you can bring it off...

...it's vastly more rewarding.

Well, the lecture's over for now.

We'll have a quiz later on, maybe. I...

Right now,

I think I have to have another drink.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

I'm really, terribly sorry.

- I think there's enough for both of us.

- Good.

I'll kill him.

I could, and no court in the country

would convict me.

Under the unwritten law,

a man could kill, if necessary...

...to protect his own wife.

Of course, she's not my wife,

she's my ex-wife.

I wonder if the unwritten law

applies for ex-wives, too?

I don't care. I really don't.

You know, Nina, you and I

have known each other a long time.

Yes, we have.

Somehow or other,

I used to get the impression.

...that you didn't quite approve of me.

I didn't. I thought you were a bad influence

on Robert.

I was. I'm a bad influence on everybody.

I don't know why, though.

I'm really a pretty harmless fellow.

Charlie?

Make me laugh.

What?

I'm interested.

I want to see if it really works.

If what really works?

You know,

if you can really laugh a girl into a...

...you know, receptive mood.

Lady, how long have you been working

on these martinis?

This is only my second one.

- Wow.

- What's the matter?

Did I have the wrong number!

- Why?

- Well, I always thought I...

I mean, I always figured you

as sort of a royal pain and...

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean...

- No, no. That's all right, I understand.

- And in a way I think it's rather sweet.

- You do?

- Yes.

- You know something? I'm awed.

- Awed?

- Yeah. Awed.

- Why?

- Well, I:
You...

You should see some of the dames

I run around with.

I always figured you were sort of,

you know, different.

In a lot of ways,

I'm really pretty much of a heel.

A person like you should never have

anything to do with a person like me.

Bobby would never approve of this.

Look, baby, what I'm trying to tell you

is that.

I'm not good enough for you.

You're a smart, beautiful girl

with a lot of class, and...

- Charlie.

- What?

You're whining.

How do you like that? Me, of all people.

Well, anyway...

Would you like another drink?

No, I don't think so.

Would you?

No, I don't think so.

I've thought about that.

I've wondered what it would be like

to kiss you.

You have? My goodness.

For years. Ever since I've known you.

I thought you said, you know,

I was pretty much of a royal pain.

I was crazy out of my mind.

Actually, you know the funny part of it is.

I really am,

I mean, when you get to know me.

- I'm a pretty much of a royal pain.

- Just crazy.

Charlie, wait a minute.

Couldn't we just talk this over?

I think maybe there's been

some sort of a mistake.

- On my part, of course, I admit that freely.

- Darling.

Charlie, I panicked.

I swore I wouldn't, but I have.

Charlie, please, I can't.

I realize this is very unfair to you,

but it's just no use. I can't.

- Darling.

- I tried, I mean, I certainly tried, but I can't.

- Darling.

- Charlie, it's not you, it's me.

The whole thing is my fault.

I'm the first one to admit it.

Charlie! Can't we talk this over calmly?

A mistake has been made.

A ghastly mistake. An error in judgment.

Darling.

Charlie, you're absolutely right.

I am too good for you.

No, you're not. It'll work. We'll make it work.

Charlie, I'll call Robert.

- But it'll work.

- I mean it. I'm serious.

- I'll make it work.

- This has got to stop.

I'm serious. I'll scream!

Some of them are weepers,

some of them are talkers.

Some of them are screamers.

I always liked the screamers.

They're more of a challenge.

My best friend. If he's done anything to her,

I'll kill him, that's all.

I'll kill him in cold blood. I'll kill him.

Am I interrupting anything?

If I am, I'll all bak.

No. No, you're not interrupting a thing.

Well, how did it go?

It was terrible. Just terrible.

I pratially had to all the polie

to get rid of him.

But I don't understand.

- I paniked.

- Paniked?

Yes, and I'll tell you something else.

I'll always panic and I'm glad of it.

I found out something. I love Robert.

I've always loved him

and I always will love him.

I never should have divored him

in the first plae.

It's nobody's fault but my own.

Listening to you and Dr. Van Kessel.

Hysteria. Simple hysteria.

I want Robert back.

I may not be able to get him back,

but if I do get him back...

I'm going to handle my own problems

and not be influened by anyone.

- Hello.

- Hello.

I hope you didn't bruise the gin.

Got her working pretty good.

Only thing is it still makes that funny noise.

Kind of goes "whoosh. "

- I'll get a little oil and fix that up.

- That won't be necessary.

No. No, we like it fine. Just the way it is.

Well, okay.

I beg your pardon.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yeah, sure.

- You two kids newlyweds?

- That's right. We just got married.

I could tell. I could tell right away.

- Yeah?

- Well, good luck to you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes