Pigs Page #3

Miles:
It's the "P", man,

I can't get rid of the f***in' "P"

Probably should get

your prostate checked

Thanks, I'll look into that,

Doogie Jackass

God, I mean,

first the "N's" a bust,

then I've got this psycho

baking me a pie?

Miles:
And those strugglers

are bustin' my balls

Busting my balls

Take a pill man,

relax, all right?

Whatever, but I can't face that P-sycho

twice in one night

Okay, well,

you're going to have to go solo,

because I'm staying right here

and hitting on that girl with the great big b*obs

All right Well, come by the bomb shelter

after you strike out

That's not funny!

Jerk

How you doin'?

Huh? Huh?

Hey, Ben!

Ben!

Ben!

Why don't you take your f***ing balls

out of your purse and go talk to her?

So what do you

call the other one?

Huh?

This doesn't have

your phone number on it

Hi, remember me?

Gabrielle:

It's Ben, right? From Ethics?

Yeah!

Gabrielle:

Do you want to sit down?

Sure, if you don't mind

I'm going to walk around for a bit

Bye

It was nice meeting you

So, how about that test

we got on Friday?

I know, I'm going to be at the library

for a week for that one

Hey, Cleaver

Hey, Benji

Why are you looking like the cat

that just got his dick sucked?

Did you f***ing talk to that girl?

Yeah, I talked to her

- F*** outta here Really?

- Seriously

F*** Nice!

You talk, uh, to big guns yet?

Uhh Check it out

I take it you're in

I'm so f***in' in

Ben:

Sergeant Rock-Dick?

Cleaver, what's this?

Oh, that is thunder in a pill,

my flaccid friend

You see, Benji, you only get one chance

to make a first impression,

and I am going to make mine

a lasting one

Sh*t, Cleaver, is that safe?

Not for her

Cleaver:

So you live here alone, or?

Woman:

No

Cleaver:

So you got a roommate?

Woman:

Yeah, I got a roommate

Cleaver:

Guy or girl?

- It's a girl

- Yeah?

You know, you really

didn't have to walk me back

Hey, no, no that's okay,

'cause, you know, there's a lot of

d*cks around here So

Yeah, there is a lot

of d*cks around here

- Yeah

- Well anyway, this is it, so

- This is it, huh?

- Yeah, I'll see you around, okay?

Vikki, um

Can I can I come in

for a drink or something?

It's really late

I have to get up early tomorrow Yeah

Oh, uh, okay

No, I really don't want to be so blunt

- But uh

- Hmm?

You're about to waste a perfectly good

diamond cutter here, babe

That is disgusting

It's not disgusting,

It's physics

F***! F***!

Can I call you tomorrow?

Vik?

Hey!

- Cleaver:
Hey!

- Having a good time tonight?

Things are looking up

I like your shirt

Well, it likes you

Really?

Really

Looks like somebody's

had enough to drink, huh?

Never enough

I've got lots to drink at my place

Really?

You coming?

Oh, f*** yeah, I'm coming

Those are interesting pants

Can you show me

how they come off?

Cleaver:
You know, I gotta say,

I love what you did with the place

Girl:
Oh yeah? Oh!

- Oh sh*t

- Oh!

I spilled on you know what?

I think we're going to have to get this shirt off

Yeah? Oh!

Ohh, I spilled on you

I think that's

going to have to come off

- Really?

- Yeah

Yes!

Oh my God, Miles

Stacy Usher

Stacy:

Oh, Miles

Oh, "U"

Stacy:

Oh yes Oh!

Stacy Usher

Miles:

Who's Stacy Swanson?

Stacy:

I am Oh!

Miles:

I thought you said your name was Usher

Stacy:

It is

Okay, hang on, you're confusing me

I'm kind of drunk, I don't have a whole lot of blood

going to my brain right now

My mom got re-married

so I go by both

What's the name

on your birth certificate?

Stacy:

Don't stop

Stacy, what does the name

on your birth certificate say?

Swanson, why?

What's wrong?

Nothing Another "S"

Cleaver:
Oh yeah, who's your Daddy,

oh, oh, oh!

That's right That's right!

Who's your Daddy?

Oh, oh!

Git along, little doggie, whoo!

What's the matter, what's the matter?

You okay?

What's wrong?

You don't look so good

What's wrong?

Cleaver:

F***! Oh!

Oh f***!

All right, all right uh

Let's just finish this up doggie-style

No babe

Wait, I gotta get behind you

Cleaver:

Ben Benji

I had sex with a girl last night

And she puked, all over me

Good morning, sunshine

Ben:

What the f*** Cleaver?

And it went

a little something like this

Ben:

F*** off!

A**hole

Cleaver:
How about you, stallion?

Any letters last night?

Miles:

I was railin' a "U"

Nice!

She turned into an "S"

Damn those "S"s

Miles:

I know

Cleaver:

F***!

Hey, man, what the f***?

Dude, these are

sacred documents, all right?

Not to be desecrated

by the likes of you

Okay, relax

Don't be worrying about

your precious little diaries here

What you should be worrying about

are these last three letters

Okay, tell me Miles,

where are you going to find an "X", huh?

You know, my entire life,

I haven't even met an "X"

How about you, afro-sac?

You know any "X"s?

Uh, no

No, I don't know any "X"s

Then go back to sleep

You know, this whole buckshot approach

has gotten us pretty far

But we don't have a snowball's chance

of finding an "X" and a "U" this way

What do you suggest?

Leave the "X" and the "U" to me

All right, well you set up the pins,

and I'll knock 'em down

Another puker, huh?

Yeah

You weren't wearing my

Your shirt? Yeah

You don't want that back

No

Dr Henson never takes

his questions from that book

- Hey, Ben

- Hey

- How are you?

- Good

- I thought you might be here

- Oh yeah?

Yeah This test Friday,

it's going to be a bugger, isn't it?

- I know

- Yeah

I like to come to

this part of the library for absolute quiet

Me too

Oh, I meant what I said, though

Henson never takes his questions

from that book

- Really?

- Yeah

Thanks, Ben

Will you share your notes with me?

I'd love you, I'd love to

Cleaver:

Ah! The bible

Miles:
You five-fingered bastard

That's the directory

I know, but when there's $10,000

on the line, I can get pretty crafty

Gentlemen

Hey, Benny

Anyways, I already

looked through it, okay,

and there's only three "X"s

on the entire campus

Ouch

I know, there's two Xu's,

and one Xeropopple, whatever,

it's a Greek name, I think

Are you guys still doing

that stupid alphabet game?

No, Benny,

this is another one

How would you feel if someone

did this to one of your mothers?

I'd like to do it to his mother

F***er!

Anyways, those Xu's

they have like, f***ed up first names,

so I'm not even sure

if either of them is female

Actually, their names kind of sound similar

to those Chinese pandas

But I'm guessing they're not related

Probably not

Anyways the Greek,

I'm pretty sure that she's female

I mean, Gabrielle,

that's a chick's name, right?

Miles:

What faculty is the Greek in?

Uh, she's in vets

Okay, I looked into her Okay?

Her class isn't till Monday,

she lives off Campus,

so I'm thinking in the meantime,

we look for the "U"s

and the "N"s on campus

Miles:
Why don't we just focus on the "U"s, man,

we can find "N" anywhere

What?

Hello, how are you doing today?

I'm fine

Is your name, Miss Unger?

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