Pineapple Express Page #5

Look, it's like my thumb is my cock.

That's not gonna get us a ride, man.

Here's good.

Thanks for the smooth sailing,

Sharid.

You're welcome.

- You're sure we can trust this guy?

- Yo, Red.

Who is it?

- It's Bruce.

- Bruce? Who the f*** is this?

- Saul. What's up?

- Who do you think it is?

Who's this?

I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.

Dale who?

It's best if you don't know

my full name.

Dale Denton. He's with me.

Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro.

- Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay?

- You better.

- Get in here.

- Coming in.

- Y'all wanna buy some drugs?

- Frisk me.

- What's up? What's up?

- Get it.

Look at that, huh?

- What's up, players?

- What's up?

I've been up in here trying to get

a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling.

What's up with the clothes?

We were camping.

- Camping?

- Yeah.

Is your lip okay, man?

- You been crying?

- Oh, my lip.

It's a cold sore.

Never had one before,

so I started to cry.

I think it's a lot worse

than it looks, though.

Cold sore?

Does that mean f***ing herpes?

Yeah. Yes, it does.

F***ing sick, man. You know

how many joints we've shared?

I know. I'm a disgusting person.

Herpes is for life, bro.

I'm gonna try to definitely put

some sort of medical ointment on it.

Been taking Vicodin.

Doesn't really take swelling down.

It's from that time. I told you, man.

You ate that lollipop out of that

stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.

Out of her vagina. Remember

what you did? What did you do?

You ate a box of Nerds

out of her butthole.

You f***ing said you wouldn't tell.

You sowed your own poison, man.

Dudes, seriously, we're here

for a reason. Just ask him.

Chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here.

We got a lot of time to hang out.

- I'm making a f***ing cake.

- No sh*t.

Can I have a piece of that?

- Don't ask for a piece.

- I can't have a piece?

No, you can't. This is private.

Do you know what today is?

- Tuesday.

- This is my cat's birthday today.

I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry.

You let it out by accident?

No, because he died

three months ago, okay?

So now who's the funny guy?

Sorry.

Today is his birthday...

...and it is a tradition

that on his birthday...

...I get up extra early and make him

his favorite kind of dessert.

Don't worry, bro.

Your cat's going to heaven.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe he went to heaven.

He was a little f***er.

Could've gone to hell.

What are we talk..? Guys...

Ask him. Just ask him, okay?

Ask what? Just come straight.

What's up?

- Yeah, right.

- Lay it on him.

We need to know...

We need to know

about your source.

- Ted.

- Ted Jones.

See, Dale, here,

is a protest servant.

I'm not. That's not what I am.

He's not that,

but he was outside Ted's house...

Don't... Look, we don't want

to bring you in to what we're in, okay?

You don't want any trouble.

We don't wanna give you trouble.

It's probably best

you don't know the whole story.

- Don't think I can handle danger?

- What are you talking about?

- You can.

- I totally can.

And for you

to come into my house...

...and not tell secrets

because you think you're saving me...

...well, in reality, it just makes

you look like a dumb-ass.

Look at this. See this?

You see that?

There's no hair under here, okay?

What's the significance of that?

It makes me aerodynamic

when I fight. I can take danger.

Okay, has anyone called asking

about Saul or the Pineapple Express?

That's all we need to know.

Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?

- It's "uh-uh."

- There it is, man.

Cleared. Over.

Everything's fine. I told you, bro.

We had a wacky night

in the woods...

...but we both can put that

behind us like adults.

Now it's time

to get super-duper high.

Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv?

"Bong Mitzvah." Hit it up.

Yes.

Yes.

There you go.

Why don't you follow his lead

and chill out?

I'm chill.

I'm chill as a cucumber, man.

- You don't seem chill.

- More chill than you.

You're more chill than me?

Look at what I'm wearing. Kimono.

What are you wearing?

- Suit.

- Yeah. Exactly.

I don't know what's up with you,

but I don't know if I like you.

Well, I don't know

if I like you either, man.

Well, that's your loss,

because I'm a great friend.

I'm gonna use the telefono

to call my wife, okay?

- Give her a call.

- I will.

- Go ahead.

- Don't pay attention to what I'm saying.

Oh, I won't.

Bullshit.

No, no, no.

- Liar.

- What are you doing, man?

He's a liar. He's lying to us, man.

He's lying to us.

No, he's not.

He knows my name.

He's acting weird.

We can't let him

phone anyone, man.

Freaking out. You're paranoid.

Give him the phone.

I do not trust you, sir.

- You're paranoid.

- He's acting weird.

Red, I'm sorry, bro.

- Jesus!

- Holy cock.

F*** you!

What are you doing, man?

He's sorry.

Oh, Jesus.

Herpes!

I don't wanna have to do this.

Red, you're crazy, man.

You brought the devil

into my house.

- We're friends.

- I know we are.

- That's why it sucks.

- Are you on meth again?

Dale, he's hurting me!

Toilet.

Flush.

What we do in this life

echoes in eternity.

True!

He's going for the phone

to call Ted!

Stay out of here!

Red, don't do it!

- Red!

- You a**holes.

You ruined my portable phone.

- Teamwork.

- Yes.

You're gonna break the door.

Gonna pay for it?

F***.

Phone.

- Let go! Let go! Let go!

- What the hell..?

I let go, now just get this

goddamn door off of me!

Tell us everything, now!

Said they were gonna kill me.

What did you tell Ted?

He's crushing my balls.

Crushing my balls.

Smash them.

F***!

Time out. Time out.

Time out. Time out.

- Truce.

- Time in. F*** you.

- Stop!

- Cheater!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Red!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Get...

F***.

God...

F***!

- Take it, motherf***er!

- Time out!

F***!

No! No, no, no!

Where you going, huh?

Where do you think you're going,

Mr. Wiggles?

- Come on. Get back here.

- Saul, help me! Help me!

He's punching my bum!

I'm done with this.

Let's talk. Let's try words.

Use words! No! No! No!

You okay, man?

- I'll get you another bong.

- It's my cat's birthday.

Happy birthday.

- All right?

- Thank you.

I think there's a package

in the mailbox.

This ends now!

Oh, sh*t.

Was that too much?

Can't get the edge.

Wait. Got it. Got it.

Hey, Dale.

Think we're gonna have to kill him?

I don't think I'm capable of murder.

I don't think I am either.

Maybe we could just convince him

to kill himself.

Or, just not say anything.

We need to find out

everything he knows, okay?

Wake up.

Hey, what's up, dudes?

What's up? Tell us everything now.

Talk, Red.

I'm gonna flex and bust out of here.

Trapped.

Not happening, Red.

Okay. All right. Okay, I'll talk.

Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed

the murder. He found your roach.

He sent two guys over here,

Budlofsky and Matheson.

Two real big son of a b*tches.

They're basically

out to kill you guys.

They're gonna kill me too,

unless I turn y'all over.

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