Pineapple Express Page #4

mad f***ing tight, man.

One time, he got this girl...

...to give me a hand job, like,

within five minutes of meeting her.

It was like, "I don't

even know your name, whoa."

That is pretty rad, but, like,

let's say Ted calls him and is like:

"Did you sell the Pineapple Express

to anyone?"

He'll be, "Yeah, I sold it to Saul."

Why wouldn't he?

No. Oh, no. F*** that, man.

F***ing hand job, Dale.

Imagine if I gave you a hand job.

- Why would I wanna do that?

- No, I mean if I got you a hand job.

The same rules don't apply to Red.

He's a drug dealer.

I'm a drug dealer.

Are you saying you don't trust me?

No, that's not at all what I'm...

You know what?

You know? Just ignore what I said.

Call him. Give him a call.

See what the dealio is.

- Hello.

- Hey, Red, you okay?

Yeah, Saul. Yeah, I'm fine, man.

I just stubbed my toe.

Be careful, man. Be careful.

Wear shoes in the house.

Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.

Now, listen.

You know that Pineapple Express stuff

you gave me?

Don't tell anybody

that you sold it to me.

I'd never talk to anyone...

...about the stuff that I do with you

involving drugs.

All right, cool.

Listen, I'm gonna come by.

I gotta lay some sh*t on you.

There is a fly in the ointment.

Sh*t has hit the fan.

The lion will speak.

- I'm in the middle of a convo.

- No, seriously.

- We're gonna be there in half an hour.

- Perfect.

- No, please. No, no, no.

- Let's go over there and chill out.

No, can we go tomorrow?

Look, we're already here...

There's somebody else

on the phone with him.

- Who?

- I don't know.

He's whispering to another man.

We'll go in the morning.

It's better that way.

- Okay.

- Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes.

- Hey.

- So you're coming by tomorrow?

How'd you know that?

Heard you whispering to that other guy

that you were talking to. Who is that?

Right, Dale. Good job.

Listen, I can't go in the morning...

...because my bubbe... Gotta change

her clocks. Daylight-savings.

Is that the bubbe

that's on 41 st and River Street?

The one where we played

shuffleboard that one time?

You got it. So, listen,

we'll be chilling by noon.

- Noon it is, bromosexual.

- Nice.

We should hit up the casino again.

It's been a while.

Okay, yeah.

We'll definitely hit the casino up.

Definitely. All right, peace, brother.

I should call Angie soon.

Make up some bullshit.

I'm cold.

You're cold?

Oh, I'm not cold at all. Here.

I run hot.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- You got more body mass.

- Thick blood. Yeah, no, take it.

- Thank you.

- I don't appreciate that, but it's okay.

I'm gonna call Angie.

Space.

Dale, wait. Wait.

The phones. The phones.

- You said they were cops, right?

- They are, yeah.

I was thinking, maybe they can...

...triangulate these things, man,

or, like, trace them.

- Right?

- That's how they got Saddam.

- Right.

- F***. You're right, man.

Maybe they can even trace them...

...like, when we're not even

on them, you know?

Maybe if we bury them, the reception

will cut off and they won't be able to.

We can tie it to an animal,

be a diversion.

We'll never catch an animal.

The squirrel'd be up in a tree,

they'd think we were.

No, no, no.

- We'll build a hot-air balloon and...

- No.

- We'll smash them.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna smash it. On a rock.

- Right here. Good thinking.

- Good idea. Yes, destroy it.

- Get it.

- Die. Yes.

- What the f*** was that?

- I was trying to hit that tree. I missed.

- What tree?

- That one.

Why didn't you smash it

on a rock like a normal person?

I don't know. How often does

somebody smash things? I'm rusty.

Did you at least see

where it landed?

I don't know. Call it.

Call it? With what?

My phone has been smashed.

I bet they can't even triangulate

those things.

Well, you convinced me they can.

You were very convincing back there.

Hey. Fine. I'll go find it. F***.

- Do you see it?

- See what?

The phone, you idiot.

Why are we here?

This place is so f***ing scary.

At least I had an idea.

You didn't, so shut up.

That's not true. I had two ideas.

Nowhere and Quiznos.

- What?

- What was that?

- What?

- What is that?

- What?

- I hear something.

What?

I don't know. Do you hear that?

Dude, I literally hear nothing.

Oh, f***!

Where are you going? What are

you running from? Return to me now!

Help me!

Tell him to get away from me!

I'm scared of this darkness!

I surrender!

- Go away! Go away!

- I'm unarmed!

- This isn't funny anymore!

- Dale!

- Fall back!

- Save me!

Oh, sh*t.

Car.

Open it! Open it!

Open the door! Open it!

- Unlock it.

- I can't unlock it.

What are you doing?

Watch the upholstery.

- Go! I saw something!

- No! What did you see? Shut up!

Shut the f***... Shut up, man!

I heard something,

then I saw something.

You didn't hear anything, man.

Well, I saw something.

And you're telling me that guy

in the little short shorts...

- ... broke your nose?

- Right.

The BeDazzler guy

broke your nose, tough man?

Wake up. Get up. Wake up.

How did I get on you?

I wonder.

Watch finally broke.

Crazy. What time is it?

That can't be right.

It couldn't be 3 in the morning,

could it?

It's 3:
00 right now?

Holy sh*t, man!

We were supposed to be at Red's

at noon, man. What if he's gone?

No, it's daylight-savings, so...

- So it's only 2:00.

- Oh, no, it went forward an hour.

It's 4 o'-f***ing-clock?

F*** me. No, man. That's bad.

Sh*t. We slept for, like, 1 8 hours.

My bubbe...

Man, my bubbe's gonna be so pissed.

Sh*t.

We gotta call Red.

Okay. How?

We'll go to a pay phone.

No, I can't.

His number is in my phone.

Great. Well, do you remember

where he lives?

Yeah, I know where he lives.

What are you insinuating?

Like, I'm forgetful?

"Insinuating." Good word.

Do you know what that means?

- I do, believe it or not.

- It means, like, "to seem like."

Let's roll. I'm done with the woods.

Let's go.

Come on, let's get

the f*** out of here.

Okay. Let's go. No. It's not working.

The battery's dead.

Wait.

What do you mean, it's dead?

What do I mean? I mean

the battery's dead. The battery's dead.

What do you mean,

the battery's dead?

How can I explain this

to you differently?

The battery is dead.

It ceased to live.

It's deceased now. The car

needs a battery to start, Saul.

How did this happen?

Well, we clearly fell asleep

with the battery on, and...

Oh, man. To talk radio?

- Yes, talk radio.

- It's so boring, man.

- Okay, okay.

- The car just committed suicide.

Shut up, man. I have an idea now.

We're gonna go.

We'll walk back to the road.

We'll hitchhike.

Someone will pick us up,

take us to Red's.

Red will tell us everything's fine,

everything will go back to normal.

How does that sound? Good?

- That's a good idea.

- Keep our heads on.

If we just keep thinking like this,

we're f***ing gravy.

- All right. I'm in.

- Let's do it.

- Can I have my jacket back, please?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Thanks for taking care of it.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote