Planes, Trains and Automobiles Page #2

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Want to take a shower?

No!

I meant, did you want to go first?

You-you thought...

I wouldn't...

What do you think I am?

Gee, that's funny.

Ah. Ah.

Oh, come...

come on.

Ah! Ouch, ouch, ouch!

To wear a pompadour...

Excuse me.

I'd switch pillows with you,

but I'm allergic to sponge.

I'd be sneezing all night

with that thing.

That's why I carry

my own pillow.

It's hypoallergenic.

I had no idea

those beer cans

would blow like that.

You left them

on a vibrating bed.

What did you think

would happen?

It just didn't

occur to me.

It didn't

occur to you,

so I have to sleep

in a puddle of beer.

You want to switch?

I just want to sleep.

Me, too.

I am bushed.

Good night.

Good night.

I'll have to burn the sheets!

What if the shoe

was on the other foot?

I'd go barefoot!

Traffic is resuming

at O'Hare field,

and flights will be

moving shortly.

Sorry.

Goddamn!

What, what?

That's it!

Without clearing my sinuses,

I'll snore all night.

If your kid spills his milk,

do you slap him?

What-what-what is that

supposed to mean?

You're not a very

tolerant person.

You've bugged me

since New York,

starting with

stealing my cab.

God, you're a tight-ass.

How would you like

a mouthful of teeth?

Oh, and hostile, too.

Nice personality combination...

hostile and intolerant.

That's borderline criminal.

Screw you.

You spilled beer

all over the bed,

you mess up

the bathroom...

Who let you stay?

I even let you pay,

so you wouldn't feel

like an intruder.

An intruder?

Right. You ruined a nice trip.

Who talked my ear off

on the plane?

Who was that?

I'm curious.

Who told you to book a room?

I did.

You're an ungrateful jackass.

Sleep in the lobby.

I hope you wake up so stiff

you can't even move.

You got a free cab,

a free room,

and someone

who will listen

to your boring stories.

Didn't you notice on the plane

when you started talking,

I started reading

the vomit bag?

Didn't that

give you some clue

that this guy's

not enjoying it?

Everything's not an anecdote.

You have to discriminate.

You choose things

that are funny

or mildly amusing

or interesting.

You're a miracle.

Your stories

have none of that.

They're not even

amusing accidentally.

Honey, meet Del Griffith.

He's got some

amusing anecdotes.

Here's a gun so you can

blow your brains out.

You'll thank me for it.

I could tolerate

any insurance seminar.

For days,

I could listen to them go on and on.

They'd say,

"How can you stand it?"

And I'd say,

"'Cause I've been with Del Griffith.

I can take anything. "

You know what they'd say?

"I know what you mean.

The shower curtain

ring guy. "

It's like going on a date

with a Chatty Cathy doll.

There should be

a string on your chest

that I pull out.

Except I wouldn't

pull it out, you would.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

By the way,

when you're telling

these little stories,

here's a good idea.

Have a point.

It makes it more interesting

for the listener.

You want to hurt me?

Go ahead if it

makes you feel better.

I'm an easy target.

Yeah, you're right.

I talk too much.

I also listen too much.

I could be a cold-hearted

cynic like you,

but I don't like to

hurt people's feelings.

Well, you think

what you want about me.

I'm not changing.

I like... I like me.

My wife likes me.

My customers like me.

'Cause I'm the real article.

What you see

is what you get.

Del.

Hmm? Yeah.

Why did you kiss my ear?

Why are you holding my hand?

Where's your other hand?

Between two pillows.

Those aren't pillows!

Aah!

Oh, no!

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

See that Bears' game

last week?

Hell of a game.

They're going all the way.

Ohh, yeow.

Neal, take my socks

out of the sink

if you're going

to brush your teeth.

Where are you?

I'm in Wichita.

I'm at a motel

with this guy

I met on the plane.

You shared a motel room

with a stranger?

Are you crazy?

I'm getting there.

Did you call the airline?

I have a good chance

of getting on standby.

If they told you

wolverines make

good house pets,

would you believe them?

I'm not spending

Thanksgiving in Wichita.

I'll get home.

Mmm.

Not by airplane.

They got 18 hours of air traffic

backed up.

We're going to be having

our turkey roll

right here.

If we wait

for the flight.

How else can we get home?

Burt Dingman.

He works for the railroad.

I sold them all their

shower curtain rings.

He owes me a favor.

I'll get that.

I paid for everything else.

Why break precedent?

You're making me feel

like a freeloader.

Get me on the train,

we're square.

You got it.

That's the easy part.

What?

You know goddamn well what.

I'm sorry. I don't.

I had over

$ 700 in here.

I'm a lot of things,

but I'm not a thief.

You went into my stuff

last night, right?

I didn't take your money.

I had over $ 700.

You went into

my wallet for pizza.

Just maybe

when you went into...

Count it!

Like you'd keep it

in there.

There's $263 in there.

If there's more,

you can call me a thief.

Count it!

Empty.

What?

We were robbed.

Do you think so?

I've been thinking.

What we're dealing with

is a smalltime crook.

He didn't take

the credit cards,

so we charge

our way home.

I've got a Visa

and a gasoline card.

Oh, and a Neiman-Marcus card

in case we want

to buy a gift.

What have you got?

Chalmer's Big and Tall

Men's Shoppe,

a seven-outlet chain in

the Pacific Northwest.

Unfortunately,

it does us no good here.

Get me to the train station,

and I'll take care

of everything else.

Gus' son is picking us up.

This is not him, is it?

Gee, I hope not.

Are you Gus' son?

I'm Owen.

You the shower

curtain fella?

Yeah. Yeah.

Del Griffith.

How are you?

This is Neal Page

from Chicago.

Hi.

Pleased to meet you both.

I'm to drive you to Wichita

to catch a train?

Yeah, we'd appreciate it.

Train don't run

out of Wichita.

'Lessen you're a hog

or cattle.

People train

runs out of Stubbville.

That'll be fine.

That'll be just fine.

Leave it be.

Get your lazy behind out here

and put that in back.

No. We've got it.

It's very heavy.

She don't mind.

She's short and skinny,

but she's strong.

Her first baby...

come out sideways.

She didn't scream

or nothing.

Isn't that something?

You're a real trooper.

We've got it already.

It's done.

You know, Stubbville's

a little further than Wichita.

How much further?

Maybe 40.

No more

than 45 though,

depending

on how he goes.

It could be anywhere

up to 70 miles.

Woof! Woof!

Give me the glove.

Ow! Just nipped.

Little part. Ooh!

Give him the goddamn glove!

Are we there yet?

No, a little way to go yet.

Beautiful country though,

isn't it?

What do you figure

the temperature is?

Thanks.

They didn't have

two together.

You got to

be kidding me.

Oh, I knew it.

The secretary was new,

and I explained it.

Oh, ge... I'm sorry.

They're just full.

It's the holidays,

I guess.

Hey, we're lucky

we got a ticket.

Yeah. So, if I don't see you again.

Want to meet for a drink

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