Planes, Trains and Automobiles Page #3

---

on the train?

I'm going to sleep.

You sure?

Yeah. Anyway,

it's been interesting.

That's the understatement

of the year.

And thanks

for the ticket.

Neal! I need your address.

I got to pay you back

for this ticket.

Ticket's a gift.

No, no. Come on now.

What's the address?

Del, it's a gift.

Happy holidays.

Same to you.

Hi.

Going home for Thanksgiving?

Yeah.

Me, too.

We're just going to make it.

What did you do here?

Do you smell smoke?

You walk a mile

to the highway.

The trucks will take you

into Jefferson City.

You're in a lousy mood, huh?

To say the least.

You ever travel

by bus before?

Hmm.

Your mood's probably

not going to improve much.

Neal, Neal.

Check that out.

Beats a movie on a plane, huh?

Take a picture.

It'll last longer.

You got busted.

Oh, that was good.

This is a good time

to tell you this.

Our tickets are

only good to St. Louis.

St. Louis to Chi-town

is booked tighter

than Tom Thumb's ass.

All right!

That was fun,

wasn't it?

All right.

Who wants to sing a tune?

Who's got a song?

I got one, uh...

Neal Page has got one.

No?

Wilma!

My name's Del Griffith.

I'm with the American

Light and Fixture Company,

jewelry division.

I've got a great deal.

This is your Diane Sawyer

autographed earring.

Do you ever watch Sixty Minutes?

Thanks.

This is Czechoslovakian ivory.

That's it. It's $5.00.

Great.

This is your

Walter Cronkite moon ring.

Thank you.

They are filled

with helium,

so they're very light.

Thank you.

This is an autographed

Darryl Strawberry earring.

All right!

These are very

special earrings.

These were originally

handcrafted

for the Grand Wizard of China

back in the fourth century.

These aren't

the originals,

but they are replicas.

Very good replicas, too.

They're selling

for $5.00 a pair.

I'm Marti Page,

and I'm thankful

that my dad's coming home

for Thanksgiving.

You know something?

It makes you look

a little older, too.

You could pass

for 18 or 19.

Did you call the wife?

No one was home.

Probably at my daughter's

Thanksgiving pageant.

Ohh.

You missed it.

I'm sorry. Those...

those are the precious moments, too.

They don't come back again.

I've been spending too much time

away from home.

I haven't been home

in years.

What, seriously?

It's a figure of speech.

I'm away so much,

it's like not being there.

I called a friend of mine

at Eastern Airlines.

It doesn't look good.

I know.

I called all the airlines.

Well, at least we're

sitting on over 100 beans

from my brilliant idea.

You're a terrific salesman.

You know, uh...

I've been thinking that when we put

our heads together,

we really...

we've really gotten nowhere.

And, uh...

you know,

I think I'm holding you up.

Don't say that

about yourself.

That's not true, Neal.

I think we'll get

where we're going a lot faster

if, uh...

we were alone.

OK?

OK.

I see.

I think I'll just

take care of this

and get going.

I appreciate that.

It's just harder for two people

to travel.

Yeah, sure.

If you've got

reservations...

I understand.

Thanks for the meal.

Yeah, that's all right.

And I owe you

some of this, too.

No, no, no, no.

This is your cut.

Take the money.

Buy your kids

a chocolate turkey.

I'm just going

to leave it there.

Then leave it. Fine.

I'm done, OK?

I've got to go,

so if you'll excuse me,

uh, I got things

to do, uh...

so, uh...

good luck,

and I hope

you get home soon.

I'll see you.

Yeah, sure you will.

It's a white

Lincoln town car,

space v-5.

V-5.

V-5.

V-5.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

The car's not there!

I need a ride back!

You...

God!

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

A- a-aah!

Whoo!

Oh, gee, Marie,

you're a stitch.

No, mom's doing

the turkey.

Yeah, dad wants ambrosia,

so I guess we'll get

those miniature marshmallows.

I'll do the crescent rolls,

you do the cranberries.

You know I can't cook.

Ohh...

Ahem.

I'll see you

tomorrow then.

Gobble gobble.

Ohh... bye-bye.

Welcome to Marathon.

May I help you?

Yes.

How may I help you?

You can start by wiping

that f***ing dumb-ass smile

off your rosy

f***ing cheeks.

Then give me

a f***ing automobile.

A f***ing Datsun,

a f***ing Toyota,

a f***ing Buick.

Four f***ing wheels

and a seat.

I don't care for the way

you're speaking.

I don't care for the way

your company left me

in f***ing nowhere

with keys to a f***ing car

that isn't f***ing there.

I didn't care to f***ing walk

down a f***ing highway

and across a f***ing runway

to get back here

to have you smile

at my f***ing face.

I want a f***ing car

right f***ing now.

May I see your

rental agreement?

I threw it away.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, what?

You're f***ed.

OK, 86, wake up.

You're going

to block the line.

Yeah, where you going?

Chicago.

Chicago?

Chicago.

You know you're

in St. Louis?

Yes, I do.

The airlines are faster,

and you get

a free meal.

If I wanted jokes,

I'd watch you

take a leak.

Don't just stand there

like a slab of meat

with mittens.

What are you doing?

I almost crushed your head

like a melon.

Del?

Move your car!

Just a minute, OK?

Get outta here!

What is your problem?

You insensitive a**hole.

There's an injured man

down on the street.

Now, I'll move my car,

but you help him up.

No!

My pleasure.

Ohh...

I had a feeling

that when we parted ways,

somehow, someday,

our paths

would cross again.

Are you all right?

I've never seen

anyone get lifted

by his testicles before.

Lucky thing for you

that cop came when he did.

Otherwise,

you'd be lifting your schnutz

to tie your shoes.

I'm sorry.

That's terrible.

You know,

I'm glad I didn't kill you.

I'd be glad if you had.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Remember what I said?

Go with the flow.

How can I when

the rental car agency

leaves me keys

to a car that isn't there,

then I find out they

don't have any more cars?

I got a car,

no sweat at all.

Well, Del,

you're a charmed man.

Nope.

Oh, I know.

You just go

with the flow.

Like a twig

on the shoulders

of a mighty stream.

Would you please stop doing that

with the seat?

Once you screw

with these,

you never get comfortable.

Quit screwing with it.

I'm getting comfortable.

Do you have a bad back?

Well, I do,

and there's only

a couple good positions.

You're going to break it.

Ahh.

Done.

Ah, lovely.

Lovely, lovely.

Oh, damn it.

What now?

I can't reach my feet

to get my shoes off.

That's fine.

Leave your shoes on.

I can't relax

that way.

I don't care to breathe

your foot odor.

It must be swell being so perfect

and odor-free.

Things about you

bother me,

but I'm decent enough

not to bring them up.

What about me

bothers you?

There's lots of things.

Name one.

You want me to name one?

Fine, um...

you play with

your balls a lot.

I do not play

with my balls.

Larry Bird doesn't

handle the ball

as much as you do.

You trying

to start a fight?

I'm simply

stating a fact.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote