Planes, Trains and Automobiles Page #4

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You fidget

with your nuts.

Know what make me happy?

Another couple of balls

and an extra set of fingers?

Oh, that's humor.

Oh, that's real humor.

I'd be happy if you rested

your mouth.

My pleasure.

I'd like a little silence.

No problem.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You broke the seat.

You broke the goddamn seat.

I don't believe it.

It wasn't broken

when I got out.

You broke it.

It's impossible

to break them.

Impossible?

You want to drive?

No. Why did you do this?

I won't be held responsible for

faulty engineering.

This is comfortable.

This is really comfortable.

I don't want to argue.

Let's not fight.

All right, all right.

Then I'm going to sleep.

All right.

I'm putting my wallet

in the glove compartment.

Don't let me

forget it.

All right.

That was Ray Charles

Doin' The Mess Around.

Weather's beginning

to clear up.

Hope you're

enjoying your evening.

It's almost

half past the hour...

Whew.

Oh, come on.

All right.

Oh!

Oh, sh*t!

Uhh...

Ohh...

Ahh...

There you go.

OK.

Think it out.

Just relax.

Let go! Let go.

Aah!

What's happening?

Oh, we almost hit a deer.

That's all.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

Yes, I'm fine.

It's hot in here.

Take your parka off.

Yes. Yes, I will.

Holy sh*t!

That guy's on the wrong side.

He's going to

kill somebody!

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, what's going on?

Some joker wants to race.

Turn around!

Don't race.

It's ridiculous.

All right, come on.

Let's go. Let's go.

Put your window down!

He wants something.

He's probably drunk.

You're going

the wrong way!

What?

You're going

the wrong way!

He says we're going

the wrong way.

Oh, he's drunk.

How would he know

where we're going?

Yeah, how would he know?

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Terrific.

Thank you.

What a moron.

You're going in

the wrong direction!

You're going to kill somebody!

You're going

the wrong way!

Truck. Truck.

What?

Aah!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Well, this isn't so bad.

I thought it would be

a lot worse than this.

They'll be able

to buff this out.

Oh, yeah.

Wow!

I mean,

that was close.

We can laugh about it now.

We're all right.

The whole, uh...

Maybe we should just get my stuff

off the road, huh?

What do you think? Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh, my back!

Ohh!

God.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Come on.

Here we go.

Thanks.

Oh. Set it down

for a second.

Whew. What a night.

What?

What?

You finally did it

to yourself.

Huh?

I mean, good luck

turning the car in.

They'll be happy as pigs in sh*t

to see you.

How could you

rent the thing anyway

without a credit card?

You couldn't.

How could you do it?

I gave this gal

behind the counter

a set of

shower curtain rings.

You can't rent a car

with shower curtain rings.

Well, uh...

somehow your, uh...

diner's club card

wound up in my wallet,

and I, uh, just...

You stole it!

Not exactly.

You stole my card!

I didn't.

You stole my card, rented a car,

then burned it up!

I found it

in my wallet!

I thought you

put it there.

Why would I do that?

Kindness?

Kindness?

Kindness?

You stole it!

He stole it!

No, I didn't.

I was going to send it back to you

with whatever the rental car

charge was, plus interest.

You didn't give me your address.

What could I do?

You just ditched me.

I had no money,

no cards, nothing.

Give it back!

I can't!

Why not?

Because!

Because why?

When we stopped

to gas up,

I put the card back

in your wallet.

Ohh.

Are you mad at me?

Ohh!

Ohh!

You know,

you could've killed me,

slugging me in the gut

when I wasn't ready.

That's how Houdini died.

Ow. Ah!

One good thing about it...

with all this fresh air,

we'll sleep like babies.

Neal? Hey, hey, Neal,

Wait up.

I need one room.

If you're pissed at me,

we can get separate rooms.

Get your own room.

I'll need

a major credit card.

All right.

All right.

I have, uh...

Diner's...

Visa...

and a gasoline card.

Uh...

these aren't, uh,

credit cards.

All right,

I'll pay cash. Cash.

$42.50.

How about... $ 17?

I can't do that.

Please.

Have mercy.

I've been wearing

the same underwear

since Tuesday.

I can vouch for that.

I don't... I don't...

I don't own the place.

$ 17 and a hell of a nice watch.

Ouch.

Um, would you

like a room?

I got a slight problem here.

I don't have the $42.50.

You have $ 17

and a good watch?

No, I don't.

I have, uh...

I have $2.00

and, uh...

and a Casio.

Mmm.

I'm going to have to say

good night, so...

Well, Marie,

once again, my dear,

you were as right as rain.

I am, without a doubt,

the biggest pain in the butt

that ever came down the pike.

I meet someone whose

company I really enjoy,

and what do I do?

I go overboard.

I smother the poor soul.

I cause him more trouble

than he has a right to.

God, I got a big mouth.

Ohh.

When am I ever

going to wake up?

I wish you were here

with me right now.

But I guess...

that's not

going to happen.

Not now, anyway.

What did I do

to get hooked up

with this guy?

You're going to

freeze to death out there.

How's your drink?

Good.

Go for another one?

Where you been?

You been to Italy?

You had amaretto?

I have amaretto,

and this is a gin.

Is there a tequila there?

Ahem. A little Mexican trip.

Tequila?

Here you go.

Coming up.

Is this a good combo or what?

No, probably not.

Me, I'm going

back to, uh, Jamaica.

Jamaica, man.

Go to Jamaica.

Have some rum, man.

Dig it.

Iree, iree, man.

Oh, sh*t.

You know,

when I'm dead and buried,

all I'll have

to prove I was here

was some shower curtain rings

that didn't fall down.

Great legacy, huh?

At the very least,

at the absolute minimum,

you've got a woman

you love

to grow old with, right?

You love her, don't you?

Love is not a big enough word.

It's not a big enough word

for how I feel

about my wife.

To the wives.

To the wives.

Wow.

Well, let me just

close this conversation

by saying you are

one unique individual.

What is unique?

Uh... latin for a**hole?

Grab those.

I'm going to kick them off.

As much trouble as I've had

on this little journey,

I'm sure one day

I'll look back and laugh.

You think so?

Oh, I'm laughing already.

Oh, God.

Oh, when that car blew up.

Was that seat hot or what?

I feel like a big whopper.

Turn me over.

I'm done on this side.

I'm afraid

to look at my ass.

I'm going to have

those griddle marks on my ass.

Ha ha ha.

Potato chips.

They're everywhere!

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

This feels

like summer camp.

Ha ha ha! Aah!

Now how the hell

does this turn off?

Ow!

Aah!

You all set?

Just a minute.

Give it a good push.

All right.

All right.

Oh, geez.

Push! Put some oomph into it!

I am! I am!

Push, for Christ sake!

We have to rock it.

All right. OK.

Up and down.

Here we go. Ready?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Reverse!

Aww!

Huh.

Get in!

Go!

Oh.

Oh, great.

Great. A cop.

Watch it!

How fast

are you going?

I can't tell.

The speedometer's melted.

Pull over.

Top of the morning,

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