Pocketful of Miracles Page #11

All right, all right, brain.

I'll make you the postmaster. All right?

That's more like it. I save stamps.

- Yeah. Judge, you got a new postmaster.

- Check.

Come here, Mex.

Give the speech to him now.

- You're the count.

- I thought I was the governor of Florida.

Will you just please pretend

you're the count for a minute?

Go ahead. Shoot.

Count, Your Honour...

it's a rare... privy...

- privy...

- What are you talking about?

"It's a rare privilege", jackass!

Does it say that? I didn't think I was

supposed to call the count no jackass.

- You're giving me a headache, you guys.

- Me too!

What a bunch of ignoramice. Ignoramice -

that's more than one ignoramouse.

Yeah? You too, huh? Here.

- I'm losing my voice.

- Start practisin'!

- I am charmed to meet you, Count.

- You stink.

Jerk.

No, you don't. All we need now

is a crying drunk.

Give me one good reason to stay sober.

You thought all this up.

You straighten out this menagerie.

- Hey, guys, listen to Miss Martin here!

- Quiet down, everybody.

- Quiet!

- Quiet.

- Quiet!

- Quiet!

Let's do one thing at a time.

Forget the speeches for now

and we'll concentrate on the bowing.

- Judge, show 'em how to bow again.

- It's quite simple.

The movement is at the waist,

with a graceful gesture of the hand - thus.

What's so difficult about that?

Head waiters do it. Foreigners do it -

can't even speak English.

All right, listen. Have a he and a she,

pair off and practise the bowing.

- All you broads over here!

- Come on, girls.

Pick out a guy and start bowing.

Don't forget the gesture with the hand.

Bow. Everybody bow. Bow!

If I'm sober, why do I see things like this?

Does the board of health

know about this epidemic?

- What's the matter?

- Him.

He tried to pick my pocket

where there ain't no pocket.

All right, hold it! You guys ain't taking this

thing serious. And you gals ain't either.

But this is serious, all right.

It's murder.

You're probably saying "What's in it

for us?" I'll tell you: Nothin'.

I mean, nothin' that

you can put in your pocket.

After all, did any of us ever plant a bridge?

Uh... build a bridge or plant a seed?

For once, could we just

do somethin' nice for somebody?

This is for old Apple Annie.

If something goes wrong tomorrow night,

there's no telling what'll happen to Annie.

Maybe she'll put her head in the oven -

the perfect solution.

So come on now. We're gonna practise.

We're gonna get in there... Tell you what.

Make believe it's for your own mother.

I oughta do somethin' for my mother.

They won't let me see her in solitary.

Now start practising, everybody.

I say it again and again and again.

This will never work, this will never work,

this will never work.

Happy days.

The music must be soft and mellow.

Nothing harsh, nothing raucous.

Just the gentle drip of rain

upon an autumn leaf.

- Yes, sir. I'll lay on the silk.

- Splendid. Keep it schmaltzy.

- The new men?

- Yes, sir.

- Trustworthy?

- Completely.

- I'm just loving this, sir. Aren't you?

- Hutch, in here it's Christmas.

Quite.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way...

Yes.

As Pascal said:
The heart hath reasons

that reason itself knows nothing about.

A handkerchief.

- A handkerchief.

- It's in your hand, ma'am.

Yes, of course.

Lola, do I look all right?

The head waiter at the Ritz

would give you the best table.

God bless you.

See for yourself,

Mrs E Worthington Manville.

You'd make Cinderella look barefoot.

I don't know who that is in there.

I hope the whole thing isn't a dream.

Give me my basket.

Apples? Apples?

Your beautiful dream's

coming true, Annie.

God love you. Everybody's so wonderful...

and I'm so scared.

Come in.

Shades of Aphrodite, goddess of beauty!

Oh, that man just fills a room.

Never in all my questionable career

have I feasted my eyes

upon such divine loveliness.

Cut it out, Judge.

When's the Dude coming?

8 o'clock, my fluttering dove, and bringing

the best-trained social lions you ever saw.

- But can they fool the count?

- Fret nyet, my pet.

You'll behold a miracle.

Orchids bloom where weeds once grew.

- What if they make mistakes?

- The Dude'll kill 'em.

- The poor dears.

- Pull yourself together, dearest.

You're the proud mother of a daughter

whose engagement is being announced.

And don't think of mistakes.

If any mug pulls a boner, I'll flood

the room with a torrent of oratory.

- You're wonderful, Judge.

- I know. Here's the receiving line plan.

You stand next to me,

then Louise, then the count...

- Yeah. And where am I?

- Right here.

Dude and his mob

are at Queenie Martin's.

- What are they doing there?

- I don't know.

It sure looks big. They got

a line of cars out here a block long.

- Stay on his tail. Don't let him get away.

- Right.

Let's close off the block.

Confidentially, at times I'm a bit ashamed

of my fellow Americans.

The way they fawn over celebrities,

particularly you titled nobility.

- I think that is charming.

- They're like children.

Tonight in your presence

they'll probably stammer

and appear to be

tongue-tied and awkward.

- I beg you to make allowances for them.

- But of course.

Different countries, different customs.

Which reminds me, Judge.

There is a custom in my country

which is not a custom in your country.

I have been hoping

that you would speak about it.

- Indeed, sir? What's on your mind?

- The dowry, my dear Judge.

As yet, nothing

has been said about the dowry.

- The dowry, huh?

- S.

I am aware, of course,

that in America it is not important.

But in my country

it is the first arrangement.

In your country, yes. In my country...

The dowry, huh?

I don't know what to say, Count.

- You crept up on me on that one.

- I beg your pardon?

I mean, this is so totally unexpected.

Don't you think it's...

a bit vulgar to speak of money?

Well, let us be vulgar, then,

for a moment.

I am willing to make a settlement

equal to 50,000 of your dollars.

- You are? Of my dollars?

- S.

I have been hoping that you would be

willing to make a similar settlement.

Willing? Yes, yes, of course. Willing.

Ah. Old Napoleon.

Join me in a nippy with Nappy?

Delighted, Judge.

I see you keep your billiard table

in excellent condition.

- Do you play?

- Do I play?

Seor, in Barcelona I am the champion.

Well, now, isn't that just...

- You don't say?

- S.

Perhaps... a little game

before the guests arrive?

I can think of nothing

that would give me greater pleasure.

- Oh, about that dowry, Count.

- Yes, Judge?

It just occurred to me, as the young folks

are going back to Spain to live with you,

- I should give the whole amount.

- Oh, no, no.

I could not let you bear the entire burden.

But it's no burden, my dear Alfonso.

So, the matter's settled.

Please, my dear host.

You are so gracious.

You make me feel ashamed.

- I shall take care of the full amount.

- It's silly. We could debate this for hours.

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