Pocketful of Miracles Page #12

In America we have methods

to settle such differences.

We toss coins or pull straws...

- What's so amusing, Alfonso?

- I could take advantage of you, Judge.

Indeed, sir? You wouldn't

suggest a billiards contest?

That's enough. You'll start sweatin'.

No sweatin'! Nobody sweats!

- Dude, it's gonna work, so help me.

- Get your coat, baby.

Dave! Come here. We're in, kid, we're in.

It's Darcey. Says you can write

your own ticket. Yes or no?

On my terms, Darcey?

All right. I'll tell you what you do.

You bring Little Switz

to pier 84 at midnight.

And bring the cash.

- What do you think of my apple now?

- I love it, I love it, I love it.

Ready, Dude.

Folks, Queenie and I are leaving now.

The rest of you follow in groups of four.

- And, Junior, you take over here.

- Good night.

Good luck, Dude.

Queenie, the Darcey deal's all set.

On my terms.

I'm gonna need you now more than ever.

So don't leave me.

OK, Dave.

Anything you say.

That's him.

Mr Dude, there's cops

all around the place.

Thank you, mister.

Like the boss said, you walk out...

- Boss, what's the matter?

- There's cops out there. Millions of 'em.

- Cops?

- What do we do now?

We can't go over to Annie's.

They'll follow us.

Queenie, get the judge on the phone.

We gotta stall 'em.

- What are they doing out there?

- I don't know. I don't figure it.

- I didn't do nothin'.

- Let me think.

- What amazing luck.

- I've been very fortunate, haven't I?

24-24. You realise,

you make this shot, you win?

Really? This shot seems

practically impossible.

I have seen it made.

It's a seven-cushion shot

with high, delicate right-hand English.

- That would take an expert.

- I beg pardon, sir.

Mrs Manville's brother-in-law

on the telephone. He says it's very urgent.

I shall be there directly.

- You made it!

- Most fortunate. Most fortunate.

- The judge... expert.

- Oh, sir, I beat him regularly.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, brother David. Congratulate me.

I just saved you $50,000.

Knock off the lousy jokes. We're in a jam.

The place is surrounded by bluecoats.

Cops?

I don't care for that at all, my dear Dude.

Would you suggest that I fold my tent

and silently scram into the night?

You better stay right where you are.

- Just stall 'em. I'll figure something out.

- Figure fast, Dude.

I'm notoriously poor at bag-holding.

- What is it, Henry?

- Nothing, my dear.

I heard you. You said

something about cops.

- They're not coming here, are they?

- Of course not.

- Don't lie to me. Tell me the truth.

- Don't get yourself all worked up.

If something's going to happen,

I have got to know.

I'd rather tell them the truth myself.

Mama! Look what the count

gave me to wear tonight.

It's an heirloom that used to

belong to Queen Isabella.

- It's beautiful, dear.

- It's going to be mine after the wedding.

Carlos hasn't seen it on me.

She's a lovely girl, isn't she, Judge?

- Don't you think she's lovely?

- Angelic, my dear.

What am I going to do?

Suppose the count calls off the wedding.

She'd hate me.

Don't be silly, Annie.

She'll want to know who her father is.

What am I going to tell you?

You see, I was never married.

You won't have to tell her anything.

Now get a grip on yourself.

Dude'll come up with something.

He always does.

Before this evening is over,

I expect a complete apology from you.

- That is why I asked you here.

- My dear Count.

Nothing would give me greater

satisfaction than to be proven an imbecile.

What time do the guests arrive?

Well, no one arrives first, sir.

They all come in last.

- Hey, Boss...

- Will you knock it off?

Those bulls out there ain't got nothin'

on me, or they'd break that door down.

But how am I gonna get all these people

to Annie's without them cops tailin' us?

- You've got one ace in the hole.

- What's that?

- Give 'em what they want: The truth.

- The truth, to the cops?

Are you out of your skull?

Wait a minute. I got what they want.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go down and see

the commissioner and make a deal.

- The commissioner?

- Right. Take over, Junior.

- Joy Boy, come on.

- I don't like it. I don't like the whole thing.

Everybody, up on your feet.

I didn't like the way you bowed.

We're gonna do the bow.

Let's go.

Look, all I ask you, Commissioner,

is you just lay off me for tonight.

That's all? Don't you want me

to give you the keys to the city too?

- What's your mob doing at Queenie's?

- Nothin' that would interest you.

You see, I just can't tell anybody about it.

But if you'll just give me a base on balls

for tonight, I'll save your badge.

- What do you mean, save my badge?

- You wanna find those reporters.

- You got those reporters?

- I got friends.

All I gotta do is just

spread the word around those friends

and those newsboys will show up

tomorrow just as good as new.

All I ask you is, please,

just lay off me for tonight.

I don't make deals with bums. You'll have

a police escort until they show up.

Wait a minute. OK, Mac,

I'm gonna tell you something.

I got those reporters, and they ain't

showing up until I'm good and ready.

- Now are we gonna do business?

- Sure, Dude. We can do business.

- Frisk these guys and book 'em.

- What?

You can always do

business with the police.

- This ain't gonna get you noplace.

- Get me the mayor.

He's throwing that big party

for the governor.

- When he finds out what this is about...

- Why drag the mayor in?

I bet he'll make a deal with you too.

He'll probably settle for about 50 years.

There's nothing crooked going on here.

When you hear the story, you'll laugh.

I'm laughing already, Dude.

I been waitin' ten years to laugh at you.

- Hello, Chief.

- Hold it. Just before you talk to him...

Joy Boy, I told Queenie I'd tell the truth.

I'm gonna give you the truth.

You'll think I'm nuts, but it's the truth.

It's like...

- Well, it's...

- Like a Mother Goose story.

That's right. It's like one of those stories

you tell the kids when you put 'em to bed.

Hold on, Chief. Dave the Dude -

bootlegger, racketeer and gambler -

wants to tell me a beddy-bye story.

OK, forget it. I'm gonna hang before I let

any fink of a cop give me the horselaugh.

As for you, Mr Mayor... You tell Mr Mayor

he'll never see those reporters again.

- Dave the Dude is in my office.

- I've gotta use the phone.

He admits he's got those reporters.

Good work, Commissioner! Dave the Dude

admits having the reporters.

- Dave the what?

- Fancy-pants ex- bootlegger.

- Excellent. Have they arrested him?

- Of course, Governor.

But what do you suppose will happen

now? A bail bond and he's out laughing.

- That's ridiculous.

- That's the way things go down here.

Of all the nerve. Who does he think he is?

He can't make any deals with the police.

There's an example, Governor.

You see? He makes deals.

The Dude says if we don't let him alone

tonight we won't see the reporters again.

- Why, this is outrageous.

- Don't get excited, Governor.

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