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Pootie Tang Page #5
And remember, when making
a public appearance...
Pootie Tang always
struts like this.
Next week we're opening a brand-new
nationwide chain of burger stands.
Pootie's Bad Time Burgers.
In fact, the only thing that
could mess up our little party...
is if the real Pootie
showed up.
But that ain't good enough.
- I want him dead.
- Yeah.
I'd like to put that b*tch in the
ground myself, but I ain't magical.
I been tryin' to get
that Pootie for years.
He done jailed or offed all my boys.
All I got left is Froggy.
Nobody know
where Pootie's at.
I know where he's at.
I got people
everywhere, baby.
Nobody can hide
from corporate America.
And as far
as how to beat him...
maybe this will help.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Uh-oh. Look at this.
Remember her? That's Stacy,
the sheriff's daughter.
He's been trying to get her ass
married since she was 12 years old.
Hello? Is anybody here?
Why--
I'm sorry, l--
Well, I made you a pie...
cake.
Do you want the pie?
I know I'm not pretty or...
or sexy.
You probably like a--
a sexy girl, right?
Baby...
I'm gonna sine your pity
on the runny Kine.
Now, see, that's what makes
Pootie Tang a real hero.
He can't stand by and see a woman
not lovin' herself.
He's gonna put the love in her.
Now, me, I say just give her
a compliment.
Hey, I like your shoes.
Have you been working out?
Girl, what you doin'
with your hair?
But I tell you what...
I'm only gonna buy this hero sh*t
but so many times.
Meanwhile...
back in the big city, all hell
was breaking loose, y'all.
I'm talking about
drug dealin', drug usin'...
booty shakin '...
too much damn TV...
drinkin', people eating too much,
gettin' all fat and sloppy...
fightin', kids out of school,
ain't nobody readin'...
people actin '
a straight damn fool.
And corporate America
was just lovin' it.
Look at 'em.
It's a party now.
Since he left, it just changed.
Everything just went bonkers, man.
Everybody lost their mind
and whatnot.
Pootie Tang,
you shouldn't do this.
You should come back to the city,
where you belong.
Back on the farm,
the worst happened.
Pootie Tang's cornstalk died.
And for the third time
in his life...
Pootie lost the only thing
that was important to him.
First his family, then his belt,
and now his corn died.
Farm life was driving Pootie crazy.
He must have lost his damn mind.
Look at him.
Down on his knees,
crying over a piece of corn.
Not even popcorn.
Regular damn corn.
Pootie Tang had lost all hope...
and it was gonna take a miracle
to bring him back.
Up here, Pootie.
Hey, watch the leaves.
- Daddy?
- You damn right I'm your daddy.
Pootie, what you doin'
runnin' away from your problems?
Did I teach you like that?
Hey, don't you mumble, boy!
Pootie, my boy.
Mama Di.
Pootie, you're a good man.
I'm proud of you.
You have so much love in you,
and you can give it like a gift.
Your father was wrong to tell you
to guard it like a secret.
- What was that?
- Shut your mouth!
- Woman!
- You corn-ass fool!
Teach the world
right from wrong...
but love the world
at the same time.
That's the key.
Where's your belt, boy?
You let some girl get your belt.
You let the ladies get your belt.
I knew that would happen.
Now you done lost
all your confidence.
I'll tell you something, ain't
nothing special about that belt.
for 95 cents.
You don't need that belt 'cause
you got goodness in your heart.
Now you need to go out there
and take that and kick some ass.
Hey, don't you mumble, boy!
Now, go out there,
take that goodness...
and teach the world
right from wrong.
Now git!
I, uh--
got something to talk about, huh?
I, uh--
I understand
you and Stacy there...
got to know each other, huh?
Had yourself
a little time there?
Yeah.
That's terrific!
Well, partner,
when's the wedding, huh?
Like I say...
to have you for a son-in-law.
What the hell?
What you doin' way out here?
You know these guys?
I come to call you out,
maggot-eatin' b*tch!
You ain't come one,
but many tine tanies.
Well, I gets by with a little help
from my friends.
Now, listen here, fellas,
we don't want no trouble here.
Why don't you just
move on through, huh?
- What up, Hop along?
-Just back off there, young man.
- I'm sheriff of this here county.
- Damn! Hold up! Hold up!
Rewind that. Go back. Go back.
Let me see that one more time!
I'm sheriff of this here county.
Oh! That had to hurt his ass!
I know he's embarrassed.
Slap him like a b*tch!
Ooh, he shouldn't
have done that.
He done messed around
and got Pootie Tang mad, baby.
Come on, Pootie!
Question:
Where do you think you--
Wait! Hold up!
Hold up, Pootie!
Capa-town, my ass!
Oh, you not so bad now,
are you?
Guess you, um,
slapped him like a b*tch, huh?
Yeah.
Now...
Like I was sayin'--
I was searching for Pootie
high and low...
then I finally remembered
he was at the farm.
All this time I had been
talking about the farm.
How the hell did I forget
he was at the damn farm?
Anyway, I got there
just in the nick of time.
Oh, Pootie, you got to
come back to the city right now.
- What's the dabble, di?
- There's a wedding going on here.
Man, they are using
your face, man.
They're making you sell products
even when you're not there.
I'm talking about cigarettes, man.
And look. Malt liquor?
Pootie Tang malt liquor?
They got all these Pootie-alikes.
You know what I'm saying?
Hawkin' all this sh*t.
And everybody thinks
it's you, man, really.
Come back to the city and let
everybody know the truth, man.
Come on!
All right, Pootie Tang!
I ain't the marrying type.
I don't make my bed.
all the time. I'm a single--
Oh, but she is
a lovely lady though.
Pootie Tang and I are thrilled
to be opening this...
Bad Time Burger restaurant.
Right, Pootie?
Sa da tay.
Sa da tay. Got that?
Man, that ain't Pootie Tang.
That's Doodie Tang.
You know,
that ain't Pootie Tang neither.
I know it ain't Pootie Tang!
I just said it ain't Pootie Tang!
It's Doodie Tang!
Shut up!
Sepatown, tipi tais.
There you go.
Sepatown, tipi tais.
- Oh, Christ.
- Hey, that's Pootie Tang.
Wa-da-tah.
Don't pay attention to him.
That's nobody.
This is Pootie Tang here.
Yes. I'm Pootie.
Now, clap it up, my hammies.
Rinatine, my America.
Coola may, my ca--
You think you've solved the problem?
Well, guess again.
See, I got more Pooties
than you, Pootie.
You're not only late,
but you're outnumbered.
And by this time tomorrow, there'll
be so many Pooties out there...
you won't matter.
He ain't alone, Mr. Rich Man.
I'm here too.
B*tch!
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
You looking at my ass?
You bastards
ain't going anyplace!
Bye-bye, Bad Time!
All right!
I got 'em, Pootie!
Pootie Tang is back!
I got to say the nay-no,
my brother.
What will you do now, Pootie?
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"Pootie Tang" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/pootie_tang_16082>.
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