Pootie Tang Page #5

And remember, when making

a public appearance...

Pootie Tang always

struts like this.

Next week we're opening a brand-new

nationwide chain of burger stands.

Pootie's Bad Time Burgers.

In fact, the only thing that

could mess up our little party...

is if the real Pootie

showed up.

But that ain't good enough.

- I want him dead.

- Yeah.

I'd like to put that b*tch in the

ground myself, but I ain't magical.

I been tryin' to get

that Pootie for years.

He done jailed or offed all my boys.

All I got left is Froggy.

Nobody know

where Pootie's at.

I know where he's at.

I got people

everywhere, baby.

Nobody can hide

from corporate America.

And as far

as how to beat him...

maybe this will help.

Hello.

- Hello.

- Uh-oh. Look at this.

Remember her? That's Stacy,

the sheriff's daughter.

He's been trying to get her ass

married since she was 12 years old.

Hello? Is anybody here?

Why--

I'm sorry, l--

Well, I made you a pie...

cake.

Do you want the pie?

I know I'm not pretty or...

or sexy.

You probably like a--

a sexy girl, right?

Baby...

I'm gonna sine your pity

on the runny Kine.

Now, see, that's what makes

Pootie Tang a real hero.

He can't stand by and see a woman

not lovin' herself.

He's gonna put the love in her.

Now, me, I say just give her

a compliment.

Hey, I like your shoes.

Have you been working out?

Girl, what you doin'

with your hair?

But I tell you what...

I'm only gonna buy this hero sh*t

but so many times.

Meanwhile...

back in the big city, all hell

was breaking loose, y'all.

I'm talking about

drug dealin', drug usin'...

booty shakin '...

too much damn TV...

drinkin', people eating too much,

gettin' all fat and sloppy...

fightin', kids out of school,

ain't nobody readin'...

people actin '

a straight damn fool.

And corporate America

was just lovin' it.

Look at 'em.

It's a party now.

Since he left, it just changed.

Everything just went bonkers, man.

Everybody lost their mind

and whatnot.

Pootie Tang,

you shouldn't do this.

You should come back to the city,

where you belong.

Back on the farm,

the worst happened.

Pootie Tang's cornstalk died.

And for the third time

in his life...

Pootie lost the only thing

that was important to him.

First his family, then his belt,

and now his corn died.

Farm life was driving Pootie crazy.

He must have lost his damn mind.

Look at him.

Down on his knees,

crying over a piece of corn.

Not even popcorn.

Regular damn corn.

Pootie Tang had lost all hope...

and it was gonna take a miracle

to bring him back.

Up here, Pootie.

Hey, watch the leaves.

- Daddy?

- You damn right I'm your daddy.

Pootie, what you doin'

runnin' away from your problems?

Did I teach you like that?

Hey, don't you mumble, boy!

Pootie, my boy.

Mama Di.

Pootie, you're a good man.

I'm proud of you.

You have so much love in you,

and you can give it like a gift.

Your father was wrong to tell you

to guard it like a secret.

- What was that?

- Shut your mouth!

- Woman!

- You corn-ass fool!

Teach the world

right from wrong...

but love the world

at the same time.

That's the key.

Where's your belt, boy?

You let some girl get your belt.

You let the ladies get your belt.

I knew that would happen.

Now you done lost

all your confidence.

I'll tell you something, ain't

nothing special about that belt.

I bought it at Piggly Wiggly

for 95 cents.

You don't need that belt 'cause

you got goodness in your heart.

Now you need to go out there

and take that and kick some ass.

Hey, don't you mumble, boy!

Now, go out there,

take that goodness...

and teach the world

right from wrong.

Now git!

I, uh--

I think maybe you and me

got something to talk about, huh?

I, uh--

I understand

you and Stacy there...

got to know each other, huh?

Had yourself

a little time there?

Yeah.

That's terrific!

Well, partner,

when's the wedding, huh?

Like I say...

I sure would be mighty proud

to have you for a son-in-law.

What the hell?

What you doin' way out here?

You know these guys?

I come to call you out,

maggot-eatin' b*tch!

You ain't come one,

but many tine tanies.

Well, I gets by with a little help

from my friends.

Now, listen here, fellas,

we don't want no trouble here.

Why don't you just

move on through, huh?

- What up, Hop along?

-Just back off there, young man.

- I'm sheriff of this here county.

- Damn! Hold up! Hold up!

Rewind that. Go back. Go back.

Let me see that one more time!

I'm sheriff of this here county.

Oh! That had to hurt his ass!

I know he's embarrassed.

Slap him like a b*tch!

Ooh, he shouldn't

have done that.

He done messed around

and got Pootie Tang mad, baby.

Come on, Pootie!

Question:

Where do you think you--

Wait! Hold up!

Hold up, Pootie!

Capa-town, my ass!

Oh, you not so bad now,

are you?

Guess you, um,

slapped him like a b*tch, huh?

Yeah.

Now...

Like I was sayin'--

I was searching for Pootie

high and low...

then I finally remembered

he was at the farm.

All this time I had been

talking about the farm.

How the hell did I forget

he was at the damn farm?

Anyway, I got there

just in the nick of time.

Oh, Pootie, you got to

come back to the city right now.

- What's the dabble, di?

- There's a wedding going on here.

Man, they are using

your face, man.

They're making you sell products

even when you're not there.

I'm talking about cigarettes, man.

And look. Malt liquor?

Pootie Tang malt liquor?

They got all these Pootie-alikes.

You know what I'm saying?

Hawkin' all this sh*t.

And everybody thinks

it's you, man, really.

Come back to the city and let

everybody know the truth, man.

Come on!

All right, Pootie Tang!

I ain't the marrying type.

I don't make my bed.

I leave the toilet seat up

all the time. I'm a single--

Oh, but she is

a lovely lady though.

Pootie Tang and I are thrilled

to be opening this...

the first Pootie Tang

Bad Time Burger restaurant.

Right, Pootie?

Sa da tay.

Sa da tay. Got that?

Man, that ain't Pootie Tang.

That's Doodie Tang.

You know,

that ain't Pootie Tang neither.

I know it ain't Pootie Tang!

I just said it ain't Pootie Tang!

It's Doodie Tang!

Shut up!

Sepatown, tipi tais.

There you go.

Sepatown, tipi tais.

- Oh, Christ.

- Hey, that's Pootie Tang.

Wa-da-tah.

Don't pay attention to him.

That's nobody.

This is Pootie Tang here.

Yes. I'm Pootie.

Now, clap it up, my hammies.

Rinatine, my America.

Coola may, my ca--

You think you've solved the problem?

Well, guess again.

See, I got more Pooties

than you, Pootie.

You're not only late,

but you're outnumbered.

And by this time tomorrow, there'll

be so many Pooties out there...

you won't matter.

He ain't alone, Mr. Rich Man.

I'm here too.

B*tch!

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

You looking at my ass?

You bastards

ain't going anyplace!

Bye-bye, Bad Time!

All right!

I got 'em, Pootie!

Pootie Tang is back!

I got to say the nay-no,

my brother.

What will you do now, Pootie?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes