Pork Pie Page #2

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A flame-grilled Angus Patty,

runny egg and barbecue sauce.

Seriously?

Well, you got a better plan?

No.

Let's get a burger.

That's six double-beef bacon, people.

What's the hold-up?

You growing those bloody cows?

We apologise, sir.

We've just had one out the back that

refused to be blended up in the mincer,

but we smacked her around and

you can stuff your face with her shortly.

- I have order 97 here.

- Oh, there you go. Nice and bloody.

Christ, lady, I've got

f***ing kids in the car.

Hello,

handsome. What can I do you for?

Yeah, um...

What...? Mm. Uh... I'm a...

Yeah, I'm a little bit torn.

Bro, she's talking to me.

- She asked me my order.

- I was talking to the driver, sir.

- Oh. That's fine. Sorry.

- Tends to be how it works.

Uh, well, can I grab

the flame-grilled Angus Patty

with runny egg

and extra bacon, please?

- Absolutely.

- Thanks.

And you, sir?

Um, yeah, and I'll get

the flame-grilled cheese, thanks.

- So that's the flame-grilled cheese...

- Oh, but no cheese.

Actually, no, should just make it

the Fla... Flame-grilled original.

- Without cheese?

- Without cheese, yep.

- And no... oh, does it have tomato?

- Yes.

Ok, cool. No, I don't want any of that.

Some dick stuffed up my order.

- Huh?

- Some dick stuffed up his order.

Sorry. Uh, can I offer you

a free coke?

Nah. How about some free chips?

- Nah, how about a free burger?

- Nah, how about a free blow job?

I'm sorry. We only offer free coke.

- What the f***?!

- Did you want to supersize those?

F***, no!

Uh, I might cancel my coke order.

You might have to tell someone else.

I don't think I work here anymore.

Do you want

a double coke with that?

Oh, do you need a lift somewhere?

You're not going to Wellington,

are you?

Uh, yeah, we are.

Choice.

- Wait, what's going on?

- It looks like she's in trouble.

Yeah, so are you, mate.

You don't want any more.

Alright.

Whoa!

- Whoa...

- Um...

- Whoa!

- Gosh!

Sorry! Jesus, I'm sorry.

Oh!

Keira1 oh! Oh! Sorry!

- Oh, god.

- Oh, sh*t.

My bad. Whoo!

- Well, that was insane.

- Yeah, it certainly was unusual.

Oh, uh, we've got the flame-grilled

Angus the cow right here.

Cool. Thank you.

And that is the regular Patty,

no cheese, no tomato

or anything interesting at all.

Perfect.

- Hey, what's this?

- Oh, read it.

"How much meat

is in your meat?" What?

"Once you account

for the water content,"

"crushed bone matter

and high-fructose corn syrup,"

"only 4% of your Patty

is actually meat."

That... "Statistically,

there'll be a mix-up in supply"

"which means 50% of that meat

content is actually horsemeat."

Horsemeat. Correct.

What kind of sadistic nutjob would

put that in their burger packaging?

I did. And it's factual.

So what? What are you, some kind

of undercover... Vegan activist?

Not really. I mean, I wore these

to my job interview last week.

"Not your mum, not your milk."

I never hide my beliefs.

- Gotta have principles, bro.

- That's rich coming from you.

Wait. Ok, ok, so...

what if someone's just, like,

innocently eating their burger

and then they come across

your pamphlet and then, boom,

they hurl all over their nan

or their friend or something?

Whoa!

Um... What are we doing?

Oh, we're just checking out

the local shops.

Sarah's souvenir stall?

Yeah, he really likes

kiwi fruit jam.

Really?

- Oh, yeah.

- Hmm.

- Oh, look, it's on special. 5 bucks.

- Oh, wow.

- You should get some.

- Oh...

Oh, you want to? $5. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, let's get some.

Cheapest I've ever seen it.

- Yeah, that's great.

- Let's do it.

E hinee

hoki maira

kamate au...

Hi. You Sarah?

Te aroha e.

So, what do you guys do?

Yeah, what? Mm. What do you...?

What is...?

What is it that you do again, man?

I just... l forgot.

Um, well, l... I work with vehicles.

Cars, trucks and...

So like, um, like a mechanic

or car salesman or, like...?

No, it's kind of more like

repossession, isn't it, sort of?

Repossession?

And what about you, Jon?

What do you do?

- What? Oh, I'm a writer.

- A writer?

- Yeah.

- Wow. Anything I might have read or...?

Oh, yep. Yeah. Well, I've been...

I've got some irons...

I've got some projects on the go

at the moment that I'm working on.

- Yeah, he's a food writer.

- Yum!

You're... you're writing about

sandwiches at the moment, eh?

Good and sh*t ones, eh, bro?

Yeah, there are some sh*t sandwiches

out there that people have to... Eat.

Oh, sweet. There's a party tonight.

You keen?

Me? Oh, no, thanks. I don't...

I got plans tonight.

Party tonight? Whereabouts?

Um, apparently

it's at a warehouse in Thorndon.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm keen.

I got the wandering eye

mmm-hmm, hmm

I got the wandering eye...

I got the wandering eye...

Sorry, mate. Can you just...?

Can you just hold that

just for a minute?

Maybe that's...

- Ok, so that's over the...

- No, you're doing it wrong.

The fox chases the rabbit

around the tree.

- No.

- You gotta...

No, it goes twice around the tree,

then it goes over the hump, doesn't it?

No, it goes once around the tree

and then up the burrow.

No, that's not... You...

That's not the burrow, though.

- Yeah, but you just had...

- That's the hump.

- I just...

- There's no hump.

No, that's where the rabbit goes.

Find another one for a second.

Oh, my god,

where did all the men go?

Thank you.

- Round the tree...

- Oh.

Up and through the burrow.

Oh, that... see, that was

the burrow that I meant.

- Oh, check you out.

- Through the hump.

Oh, wow. So what is that?

That's like a four-in-hand

or like half-Windsor, is it?

Pratt knot.

- Pratt knot.

- Now...

- Hey, thanks for the lift.

- Sweet, bro.

- And, um, we cool?

- Huh?

Yeah, we're cool.

Hey, um, and don't be too late

'cause, you know,

mum wants the car back, remember?

Oh, so this is your mum's car?

- What?

- It's your mum's car?

- Oh, the car?

- Yeah, no, that's cool, man.

No, no, no. I just let her borrow it

for a little while and just...

- Oh.

- Who cares?

Where's your plus-one, honey?

Mm? Oh, no, I'm...

I'm flying solo tonight.

Oh. My husband's away

getting his hip replaced.

Oh, yeah? Ouch.

If you need a co-pilot, let me know.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Just gonna take one more.

Mm.

Don't walk away from me

I'm not the kind

that likes to be put down

don't leave me standing there

- I'm not the kind that likes...

- thanks.

It finishes nicely.

Hi.

What are you doing here, Jon?

Um, well, the arse fell out of writing,

so I thought I'd just,

um, try hospitality.

How can you even think this is...

Remotely appropriate?

A man's gotta eat.

Oh, no, wait. Stop, sue.

Stop, stop, please.

Um, I wanted to see you, so...

Alright, so you just thought you'd...

show up like nothing's happened?

I'm doing my best

to get over you, Jon.

Yeah, you aced that one, eh?

What?

Well, you know,

I'm actually surprised.

For a specialist in the law

of intellectual property

that a body in search of a brain cell

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