Powder Room Page #5

Well, go on then.

Excuse me, there are no men

allowed in the ladies' room.

Go on.

Sam. I'm f***ing sorry.

Oh, God, no.

I didn't... I know I should have

said something before now...

I just didn't think...

Excuse me. There are no men

allowed in the ladies' room.

Shh. Okay. It's okay.

I just thought...

Fresh.

That you'd be fine.

No, I am fine. It's fine.

Honestly, please just go.

Uh...

No, you're not letting him

get away that easy, are you?

He was parading his mistress around

like he doesn't give a sh*t.

- Stop. Just stop.

- When were you going to tell her?

No.

This was a long time ago, love.

We haven't been together for,

like, a year or something.

What?

Excuse me, there are no men

allowed in the ladies' room.

We're not together any more.

Ask them.

Look, I'm gonna get out of here.

I don't know what Sam's told you, but...

Sam, I'm sorry.

So, he's not your boyfriend.

No, he's not.

- What?

- Sorry. Who are you?

Chanel, Sam's best mate.

What? This is your best mate?

The girl who you've been

slagging off to us all night

is your best friend?

Oh, we're colleagues.

You're a lawyer?

- No. Do I look like a f***ing lawyer?

- Okay. Look. Stop.

No, but Sam is a lawyer.

No, she isn't.

Yes, she is.

Well, she's not.

What's going on?

Are you actually being serious?

Did you just make everything up?

I didn't mean to.

Everything that you've told us tonight,

like Sean and your job, it's all a lie?

Yeah.

- You've been slagging me off all night?

- No.

- To these two?

- I didn't, I...

- What is going on with you?

- Sam said you're a right horrible b*tch.

- You're a horrible b*tch.

- I didn't say that.

- You did. She did.

- Why have you gotta get involved?

I'm sorry, Sam.

Am I somehow ruining this

otherwise perfect moment for you?

A lawyer? Really?

All right, I lied.

And no f***ing wonder!

I'm just sick of all this sh*t.

Of all of this, of all of you!

Okay, just so that we're clear, now.

You're not coming to Paris.

Shut up, you don't own Paris.

I can go if I want.

- Yeah, but not with us.

- Well, you're not coming with us.

You know what, actually, Sam?

I think it's best

if you don't come to

the wedding. Sorry.

I don't want to go to your

stupid f***ing wedding anyway.

And why are you speaking French?

You're not even French, you're English!

It doesn't make any sense! Ow!

Look, just calm down.

No, I won't f***ing calm down!

Why should I?

Well, you've done all this.

You lied.

Why wouldn't I?

I've got a shitty little job.

I've got nothing that even

resembles a relationship.

While everyone else is either

successful, engaged, rich or happy.

Or at least has central f***ing heating.

Most people have all of those things.

Like these two. With your hair.

And your clothes.

And your weird ludicrously

oversized rings.

Haemorrhoids on your hands,

worth billions of pounds probably.

I can't take it any more, Chanel.

I'm not living. I exist!

With you, who keeps

shagging everything.

Saskia, who is just a f***ing mess.

And Paige.

What the f*** are you doing?

Just this.

Oh, God, I want to get out!

- So, what, you wanna be like this?

- Yes.

I wanna change, Chanel.

Instead of just wasting away.

I've seen these girls on Facebook.

Engaged to guys with

tans and T-shirts.

And every day I get status updates from

friends I once had, boys I once f***ed.

People who've travelled the

world and found themselves.

And I could've been that.

Had I not made the wrong decision

at every f***ing point in my life!

Instead I'm just left with

the depression of not having

a single clean pair of underwear and

no reason to do anything about it.

Ew...

Oh, f*** off! Just get out,

all of you. Go on, go.

Come on, let's go.

You have... You have no idea,

do you? Now f***ing listen to me.

Your life is the way it is 'cause

that's the way you chose it to be.

- I didn't choose it.

- Yes, you did.

And the only people that have ever been

there for you, you've just sent away!

Well, I'm done. You're on

your own. Well done, Sam.

Lord have mercy.

Hey. Hey, honey.

Oh. Yeah. How are you?

Yeah, I'm calling because

I'm ready to do that

thing that you want.

You ready?

Oh! Okay, okay.

Well...

I've been thinking about you,

and your big dick,

and what I want to do to you...

And that is...

I'm going to tie you

up, on a chair,

in the living room, you know

that wooden one that...

Yeah, yeah, and then I'm going to

just come into the living room

and I'm gonna get all

wet and... Am I wet?

What?

Oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm wet now, baby.

Yeah, I'm really, really all wet.

I'm just dripping.

It's, yeah...

Okay, then...

I'm gonna just take

off all my clothes,

and touch it. Yeah.

Oh, baby, I'm so horny

right now. I'm so horny.

I'm just...

Honey? Actually, you know what?

No, I'm gonna take

you off the chair.

I just think that that's gonna

be really uncomfortable.

I'm gonna just start

having sex at you.

With you.

With you. With you.

And I'm gonna feel my b*obs!

Oh, yeah, that's good, that's good.

And I'm gonna...

move up and down.

And up.

And down.

And to the side and I'm just...

Kim?

Kim, is that you?

No?

Until you cum. Okay, I'll speak to

you later. Okay, bye. Bye, bye, bye.

Oh, f***.

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Good evening.

Mmm.

I got one.

There.

Thank you.

I've ruined my life.

Are you reading my thoughts?

You're all so full of sh*t,

do you know that?

My life is just absolute sh*t,

and you lot are just...

The big sh*t cherry on top of this huge

piece of sh*t cake. And you, just...

You're just on a comedown.

No.

It's not just tonight.

It's like...

Jesus.

I know you all think that I'm boring Paige

who doesn't know how to have fun.

Well, this isn't even fun.

My night would never end

like this with Bobby.

We watch films.

We play Crash Bandicoot

and we go to bed.

And I know that may not

sound fun, but it's great.

You're not boring, Paige.

You're the one of us who's sorted.

Got a great job. Got Bobby.

You don't need to be running

around getting f***ed up.

And I've ruined all of that now.

- No, you haven't.

- I have.

Oh, come here.

You've done nothing wrong.

You got f***ed up.

Did something you regret.

F***ing hell, welcome to life.

You and Bobby are strong enough

to weather a tiny mistake.

Yeah, you're right.

My life, on the other hand...

You've properly f***ed that one up.

Chanel's never going

to speak to you again.

Thank you, Paige, I know.

Were you really gonna go

to Paris with them girls?

Well, yeah, I wanted to.

You just robbed my f***ing

drink, you scabby b*tch!

Er, no.

Don't f***ing lie to me. Get up!

Get up!

Hey, no. She didn't drink the

drink, okay? I drank the drink.

Get up! And is that my f***ing

lighter in your hand?

Listen, all right?

I'm sorry about your drink,

all right? I can explain.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go get help.

Can you hear me?

You've got period on your trousers.

You literally serve no purpose.

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