Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #2

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[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]

-Hi, Mrs. Yao.

-Oh, come on in, child.

Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks

trying to scare up some catfish.

He's still making you talk like that?

[lN NORMAL VOlCE]

Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week.

Says it reminds him of the good old days.

MARTY:
He can be an old coot.

-Yeah.

[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT]

Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake...

...fishing for some catfish to fry up.

Mm, Lordy, that sounds good.

Catfish.

-Marty, you stack of cock rings.

-Stop! Ha, ha!

TRlPP:
Mouthful of pubes.

-Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me!

-Full revenge, man.

-Stop! Stop tickling me!

l'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man.

You should see the look on your stupid face.

Ah. lt's good to see you, brother.

Daddy got a little surprise for you.

-Do you know what it is?

-Yeah. But l ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat.

-Bam! Ha, ha.

-Ow!

-lt's still funny.

-Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting.

MARTY:

Okay. Hey, Daddy.

Now, listen up.

Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning.

You know the Motch brothers?

And they feel there's an opening

to challenge Cam Brady for congressman.

And, well...

...believe it or not...

...they want you to run for office.

Dad, that is like the greatest....

This is like the greatest news l've ever heard.

l can't believe this.

All these years l've been begging you

to let me get into politics...

...and right now here it is.

l didn't even know they knew who l was.

Motch brothers.

Well, l'll tell you this.

l'll make you proud. l will.

l'll make you-- l'll make you real proud.

l'd say there's mathematically zero chance

of that happening.

Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye.

But you look like Richard Simmons

just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.

Dad, if you're still holding a grudge

because l wore Crocs to Mom's funeral...

...like l've told you a thousand times,

l'm sorry.

Mom would've wanted it that way.

She was casual.

l don't even know what to think.

l got so many thoughts

running through my mind...

...about what l can do for the district

and for the town, for the people of Hammond.

Give them a voice.

Put them in the right direction.

l mean, it's a mess out there.

Son, it's no secret

we've never enjoyed each other's company.

You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad.

Hmm.

Did you ever get that calendar l sent

of those animals dressed in human clothing?

l was looking at mine yesterday

because l bought one for myself...

...and it had a giraffe in high heels.

And l thought to myself,

"Who thinks of this stuff?"

l laughed so hard.

l thought it was super cute.

A giraffe is tall enough as is.

Then somebody thought,

"Let's put a giraffe in high heels.

Maybe add a belt.

There was a little bow on him."

Boy, you really are a sad little f***er,

aren't you?

[lN MANDARlN]

WADE:
This is the 14th district of

North Carolina and the city of Hammond.

We are acquiring massive parcels of real estate

under a shell corporation...

...so we can reopen three large factories.

Ostensibly, we own this district.

We think we can operate at the same regulatory

and wage levels as China...

...and eliminate shipping costs.

[lN ENGLlSH]

And your government will cooperate?

We also own

the most important resource of all:

a willing candidate.

Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable.

Mr. Zheng, there's something

you need to know about American politics.

When you've got the money,

nothing is unpredictable.

[CHUCKLES]

CARTER:
Sometimes democracy moves

with the stroke of a pen...

...and tonight Cam Brady

will win his fifth term in Congress...

...simply by registering for the ballot.

That's the perks of running unopposed.

-Check it out. lt's a picture of my dick.

-Oh, come on.

l shaved my pubic hair to look

like a 1 9th-century handlebar mustache.

-Man, put that away, will you?

-l'm gonna tweet it to Shana.

-Cam, don't do that, please.

-Too late.

l CC'd you. Heh.

-l don't wanna see it.

-You're welcome.

Next up, we have ballot confirmation

of Camden Brady, congressman.

CAM:

Thank you, Carl.

-Let's get this bad boy signed.

CARL:
Let's do it.

[DOOR HANDLE RATTLlNG]

l couldn't tell what was going on.

l thought the thing was locked.

What the hell is this?

-[WHlSPERS] Hey, Becky.

BECKY:
Hi.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hello.

My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins...

...and l'm here today to formally announce

my candidacy on the Republican ticket...

...for the 14th district for congressman.

l have, uh, my check and my application

and my birth certificate all right here if you....

Wait, what--? Hold on. Hold on.

What's going on here?

[GAVEL BANGS]

Hold on a second, Cam.

Let me take a look at this.

All his paperwork is here.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot...

-...running for congressional representative...

-What?

...of the 14th district of North Carolina.

-Are you kidding me?

-Hey, come on, Carl.

-ls this some kind ofjoke?

-Come on, Carl.

They're gonna wanna get to know you...

...now that you're challenging

our congressman.

How do you expect to do that?

-Uh, say that again.

-That's Marty Huggins.

You know, back in fourth grade,

they used to call him Tickle Shits...

...because all you had to do was tickle him

and he'd sh*t his pants.

-Oh, l remember that name.

-Mm-hm.

[CHUCKLlNG]

l'm Marty Huggins, and l approve this message.

-l've always wanted to say that.

-Heh.

What the hell?

MARTY:

l can't seem to--

-Push the door.

MlTCH:
Yeah, you gonna push.

Push it? Push it real good?

-Not good with doors. Heh.

-No.

-lt's called a door.

-Ha, ha.

Breaking news out of North Carolina.

Democratic incumbent Cam Brady...

...getting a run for his money

by newcomer Marty Huggins.

Early rumors have billionaire industrialists

the Motch brothers...

...financing a PAC supporting Huggins.

And with a thin majority in the House,

this race could be hugely important.

You know, baby, l've been thinking.

l don't like this.

Why does a Marty Huggins

come out of nowhere and decide to run?

Baby, l'm a thoroughbred.

l'm gonna smoke that clown.

Kids, put your headphones in.

About to use TV mature words.

You know l love it

when you get all bitchy and wild.

You listen to me,

you dick dragging around a body.

Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins.

He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager

for six terms.

-Mm-hm.

-He's got f***ing juice. What have you got?

A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son.

She's got a kid?

[THREE 6 MAFlA'S "AZZ & TlTTlEZ"

PLAYlNG ON HEADPHONES]

Ass and titties, ass and titties

And big booty b*tches

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

Ass and titties, ass and titties

Ass and titties

Last election,

Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP.

-l want that VP nod, Cam.

CAM:
Okay.

l wanna be second lady.

And what are you doing to make that happen?

You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against

any piece of ass that flashes you a smile.

None of that was my fault. l was powerless.

l was plied with copious amounts

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